I sometimes forget that we are utterly alone in this world, in our view of how things "are" and in our life. Each of us is alone, married or single, whether were a parent or not we each row our boat alone. If we are lucky, we have a faith that tells us that God is with us....
Yeah - I'm still melancholy. I'm still angry/melancholy with tidbits of "I don't care" thrown in. H came in from a late work meeting while I was reaming out DS14 and DD9 for their constant fighting and arguing and disrespect for one another. After that H put the little girls to bed and I talked more with DS about his issues with DD. Afterwards, I read a magazine on the couch. H absolutely stayed as far away from everything as he could - which was fine but he also didn't make an attempt to join in and be with us after the discussion was over or with me at any point. I left him a message to say that he seemed preoccupied or angry last night and I hoped he could find a moment to himself this week to reacharge. I got back an angry email letting me know that he was not mad, that it was I who had "made it clear" that I didn't want to be bothered etc... I explained (yet again) that it might seem that way but that I always want to talk and I always want to be touched even when angry or frustrated or tired. He also let me know that he was very busy today and that my "worry that he was angry" was basically an intrusion that would put him further behind and stress him further.
Well, two months with no sex, how about let's go for three......
I'm going to say this to you with a cringe on my face, cause well...ya probably don't want to hear it. You may "say" you are always willing to talk, but if your body language or facial expression says "BACKOFF"....he's likely to give you a wide berth.
I say this because my H sends REALLY mixed signals like this. His words will tell me, I'm fine...I'm not angry about anything, but his face tells a WHOLE different story. His body language and facial expression (in the past) would make me not want to approach him. I'd find myself (without even thinking about it) avoiding him, because he looked so unhappy.
Just about a month ago my H came into the bedroom (we were getting ready to go to bed), and we had previously had that "you look so unapproachable" discussion. He had this really unhappy look on his face, I mean he looked peeved! So I asked him "are you ok hon?" He replied, yep...I'm fine. So I said, "oh ok, then would you mind standing up and taking a look at yourself in the mirror right now....don't change anything about yourself, just stand up and look at your face right this moment." He was really surprised at what he saw. I asked him....does the man in the mirror look like he's not pissed off to you? He said, no...I do look kinda mad don't I? Yep, I said....and THAT is why I ask you so often if you are ok. When you get that look on your face it's hard to not assume (I know, I know) that you aren't upset about something.
Just something for you to think about. I know you have lots of stressors on your plate right now. BUT....if your body language is saying something your words aren't YOU could unintentionally be pushing your H away and not realize it.
Oh, I can guarantee that I looked unapproachable last night and I am feeling more and more unapproachable as this sex drought continues. At this point I am feeling that if H is interested in this R at all he will need to "slay some dragons". He will need to look past one evening of unapproachability, look past pregnancy exhaustion, look past eight weeks of little physical contact and no sex at all and TRY ANYWAY.
I feel that any more trying on my part pushes him further away. I am done trying, I am done playing the "mood lightener", I am done gussying up and trying to be open, approachable, smelling good and the like every moment of every day hoping that he will get out his dang sword, jump on his steed and sail over whatever wall is keeping him on his side of the bed and our life.
So, I see what you are saying about my H but in general I am the one always putting on the positive face, making light, saying "hey things are hard but let's be together anyway". My black moods are few and far between and the ones I express on this board are usually undetectable anywhere else. When I do show my darker feelings like last night I get this reaction so I try not to do it often.
Quote: He also let me know that he was very busy today and that my "worry that he was angry" was basically an intrusion that would put him further behind and stress him further.
This leaves me speechless. I can hardly think of a more cruel thing to say.
Oh but Karen, you are sabotaging yourself if you don't get this body language under control. NO ONE is going to want to approach someone sexually if you are putting out the body language and vibes that you are.....right now you are telling him you don't want him. Yet, you want him to initiate sex with you? Doesn't make sense hon.
I know, I know....you have been the one to put on the happy face in the past. You have to DEAL IN NOW though...not months or years ago (that is if you want him to do what you want). Right now you know that you are in a "sexual drought" and you are already getting pissed off about how much longer it's going to last.....yet you are sending out signals that will guarantee it will last.
No one says you have to put out all the efforts you have in the past, just don't make the task an impossible one. I mean right now you want your night in shining armor to slay the dragon, do you really want to be a dragon and make it that hard on him? The harder you make it for him to approach you....the lower the likelihood that he will.
We are ALL entitled to down time and black moods. If that's what you are going through then just cut yourself some slack on it and get it out of your system....but recognize too that right now....you aren't likely to get from him what you are wanting, until your mood lightens back up some.
Karen, I tend to avoid stand-offs with my H and jump in, because I know if left to my H whether we'd sink or swim... well, been there done that with the drowning. I get my knightly needs met by him in other ways...the AOS which keep the house running smoothly, his physical strength, which impresses me, his interactions with family members, etc. But relationship rescue stuff...no way. Not that he isn't doing his part to keep us up and running; I just know if deep problems arise, he'd block it out and not deal.
The solution for the mood fusion thing you're going through is to have a schedule; there's no second guessing, no ambiguity, no excuses. We have a loose schedule sexually, and we keep a date schedule to bond and have some fun. I know no matter how strange the vibes are at any given time, we are only an interaction away from getting back on track.
I admire your strength to wait it out for H to come forward. Just make sure you aren't getting yourself sick over it all.
I appreciate the comments. Gel - I do know that if I do indulge my black mood that I won't be getting anywhere with H but then it seems that I don't no matter what. If I am happy, bubbly - no sex. If I am flirty and sexual - no sex. If I am angry and frustrated - no sex. If I bring no sex up - no sex. The only thing I get is rewarded with a happy, friendly H if I am happy and friendly. Well, I guess I'm just not feeling it right now. It is so exceedingly rare that I have any kind of "don't talk to me" body language that I am genuinely suprised that one bad day adds up to that for H. I honestly feel a little like it is an excuse.
Journey - yeah, I'm not one for standoffs either. I am feeling this way right now but in my heart, I know I will cave long before he will. I will either cave in word or in deed. This will happen regardless of the fact that he doesn't even know we are having a stand off.
It is true that a schedule would simplify a lot. H has outright rejected a schedule more times than I can count. In fact, he refuses to negotiate about sex. It "ruins the spontaneity" - I gave him all the logical arguments etc... In this area it is H who is the romantic - not me. H likes privacy, scenery, candles, no quickies, no schedules etc... I like all that but I can take it or leave it when it comes down to a choice - no frills sex or no sex. I'll pick no frills every time.
Most of the time the knightly behaviors of helping the house run, bringing home the bacon, being a good Dad is something I can appreciate and can keep in my mind in a positive way. After 2 months with no sex, a grumpy/moody H, and no end in sight to any of this I am having a harder time with it.
I will work my way out of this funk or H and I will wind up in a knock down drag out argument. Maybe we need one. Maybe he will tell me the truth about whatever the h*ll is going on in our M. Maybe he will finally say - no I don't love you or you are too fat or I'm having an affair or I obsessively view porn or whatever. I have no idea where things are heading but I'm too tired to have the excuse trotted out "Well, you have been too tired and in too bad of a mood to have sex with for two months." - baloney, I have had many good days and good moods, days when I'm not so tired etc...
I have to wonder if you might have a dynamic going on in your home that was sort of going on in mine too, but of course I wasn't able to recognize it at the time (only in hind-sight). I've kind of discussed this with Lil too...I think it may be at play in her R as well.
You are aware of my H's issues online right? You're also aware of how close he came to losing what he had....well that whole event was the catalyst to some BIG changes in our home. I for one stopped hiding a side of myself that I thought threatened my H. I stopped hiding my feelings. I stopped keeping things in that I felt needed to be said (all things in myself that I could take control of and effect right?) Well, I also came to the acceptance that my H has issues that had NOTHING to do with me, they were important issues, but they were HIS issues....and well right then, he simply was who he was and I could either learn to live WITH that, or fight against it trying to get my "ideal" husband. Fact is he'd NEVER be my ideal, that was a fantasy that lived in my head. I HAD to learn to accept that the way my H was at that time was simply who he was and if I wanted the marriage to work I had to figure out how to live with it.
I know, I know....everyone's saying "but that means I'm settling, not getting what I want." Well....yeah, you aren't getting what it is you want, but desperately fighting for what you want (figuratively or literally) isn't getting it either right? Well here's what I figured out (after I started being really true to myself and accepting that he simply was who he was).....there was a tension released between us. It disappeared, not quickly....but it disappeared. In fact it only dawned on me one day that this is what had happened....when that tension was gone and I could clearly see the change in our R. It was as if an anvil was dropped on my head and I woke up in another marriage.
My acceptance of him, just as he was at that time I think was KEY. Some may say I gave up on what I wanted....well, I don't think I did. Was it SEX I really wanted or a happy/loving marriage? What I really wanted was a happy/loving marriage, but I kept focusing too much on the sex part (even though I didn't think I was). As many of us have said on here before to others who focus on sex "I was putting the cart before the horse, completely unintentionally." I, for the longest time really thought I was focusing on me, and to some extent I was....but sex (or the lack thereof) was still an occuring theme in our R.
Once I took control of that (yes, that's when the GEL pornstar arose from the dead) and sucked it up enough to initiate when I REALLY wanted it I got the sex. There were still wierd feelings though.....but those completely faded into oblivion upon total and complete acceptance of who my H IS, the man that he is now....not the fantasy I wanted him to become.
I realized after oh....I'd have to say about six months of not holding in how I felt about things, speaking honestly & candidly about things I needed talk about (instead of not bringing them up because he'd get uncomfy), and also trying to do some of the things I know he likes (like cuddling as much as possible etc, you know his Love Language stuff)....that HE was coming to me. HE was talking to me about the stuff I'd always wanted him to open up about. HE was talking about sex, or wanting it...even initiating it.
It was as if that tension (that I hadn't even previously realized was there) was gone....and NOW he finally felt secure enough to do the things I had been wanting all along....and um, I hate to admit it but....I didn't even notice it at first.
But ya know what? I went through the same stuff you are going through right now, the black funks, the moodiness, the resentment etc. I've begun to wonder if some of that stuff isn't a right-of-passage in a marriage. It's our way of negotiating (even though it doesn't usually feel like a "negotiation") our way to a better place in our marriage if we can ride it out.
Quote: My acceptance of him, just as he was at that time I think was KEY. Some may say I gave up on what I wanted....well, I don't think I did. Was it SEX I really wanted or a happy/loving marriage? What I really wanted was a happy/loving marriage, but I kept focusing too much on the sex part (even though I didn't think I was).
This is kind of what happened to me, too. I figured out that sex for me has virtually always been about the other person making me feel good about myself. It wasn't so much the lack of sex as what the lack of sex MEANT. I took it very personally, and he didn't mean it personally. The blowup I had in the C's office seemed to kick-start things. Now I realize that he does love me and his reasons for being reticent about sex do not have anything to do with me. As I've backed off-- sincerely, not in the sense of "settling"-- he has become more affectionate, and I'm happy with where things are.
Karen, would your husband truly have the balls to say that someone who wears a size 2 is too fat??? Tell me that is not possible! (I know you're preggy now, but before you were preggy.)
I think his aversion to sex is NOT about you. But you may need to blow up before you can get things out in the open.
Look through the toolkit I sent you and see if anything in there helps. The core transformation stuff might be good in the current sitch.
I understand what you are saying and I go through periods where my level of acceptance is good. Life is generally happy then, H is affectionate etc... However, I do hold my tongue because expressing my innermost thoughts are read by H as discontent no matter how sweetly or carefully I state them. Then he dodges and I get discouraged.
Lil,
Oh - no way would H say I was fat. He NEVER makes negative remarks about anything related to my looks and rarely makes positive ones. I was just using an example. I would actually be relieved if H gave me something to work with - I hate your perfume, you're fat, I'm in love with someone else etc.... Anything that would explain any of this to me would actually be good for our R. I am so tired of the same litany of excuses as to why we don't ML. I think, in some ways, I would be relieved by ta big sexual secret - "I can only really get excited if your toenails are painted red" - whatever.
Like you, part of my need to have sex is for my own feelings of acceptance as a woman etc... but c'mon two months? I haven't made anything worse. I know I sounded like I might yesterday. H helped one of our college kids with finals, I took care of the girls, some Christmas wrapping and went to bed early and alone.
