Everyone has bad days, bad weeks, bad times of year etc... I recognize that his acting out probably has a lot to do with his usual Holiday funk and I will jack him up about it later but if I do it while he is busy putting on a show then it only escalates the sitch. It is HIS problem and it does bother me because he is showing off in a space that belongs to me too. Knowing that it is HIS problem doesn't make it any more fun to live with it. So, I extricate myself from that space for a while and find something productive to do. Later, maybe today, I will ask what the issue is and he will be able to speak about it more rationally. I learned a long time ago that prodding the lion while it is roaring is not smart. It isn't so much a power thing that he indulges himself in as it is a distancing/avoidance thing. He makes it where no one wants to be close because he is depressed and wants to isolate.
As for the smells, sounds, etc...esentially, I do tell him to grow up. The rest of us enjoyed the concert. He hates the smell of coffee. I bought a coffee pot that minimizes odor and I make my coffee anyway. I make dinners that he will eat and steam some vegetable (which he won't eat) and put them to the side because the kids and I enjoy them. To me, this is part and parcel of living with anyone. Household noise? - too bad, the kids and I live here too. We all have preferences and we all must learn to live with others and their preferences. Roomate 101.
Does any of this make it easier for us to have an intimate R? No. Is this a permanent condition? No. Is it episodic and to be expected periodically - you bet. Just like periodically I have moments of extreme self doubt, worries about my appearance, job concerns or whatever. This is the part that you address when you have mentioned that the "system" that is your marriage may not be wholly healthy and that within that system certain validation needs to happen, certain accomodations are made, even while working to increase the health of the system. It isn't fun but it is absolutely normal to have some issues like this in any R.
