Well, I am getting in a better frame of mind. I am still abundantly p*ssed at H. He was an absolute butthead last evening and banged around the house in a truly unacceptable manner. I just didn't speak to him for a couple of hours. I did my own thing, made the base for a soup to serve for dinner tonight, put up more Christmas decoration, bathed my girls and put nice lotion on them (more TLC than they usually get) etc... I sat across the room from H while watching tv and then he began to eke out some "cocktail party conversation". When we went to bed we were on an even keel again. Of course, sex is still nowhere near the agenda as H continued hacking all night.
But....today I had a 4-D ultrasound of our little boy to be. He looks great, growth is great and I got to see his little face. I am awash in happy Mommy hormones. H babbled incessantly to DD2 about what was on the screen - he is so excited. He took her for the rest of the day to see Santa, do some Christmas shopping etc...
Karen1, glad to hear the PG is going well. 4-D,WOW. When BB had our kids it was all a mystery, in-door or out-door plumbing. You only knew after the package was delivered. Now there are few surprises.
After the delivery, the nurses first said in-door/out-door plumbing and the baby had all 10 fingers and toes. Then all of the well wishers started to breath again.
Mr Karn1 actions are different than I can imagine, not wanting to boink you. Tell him an old myth, that the more you do it, the more material he deposit, the stronger the baby will be. Just an ice breaker maybe?
That was the thinking at one time among some people (a topic form a Cultural Anthropology class) before people wised up a little.
Another group....... well that is too graphic but the short version is boys got their seed from older men.
I don't know what H's problem is. He is just ecstatic about baby but he's miserable with his cold and with some unidentifiable angst. Actually, he's acting like a friggin adolescent - banging the cabinet doors, stomping, tossing stuff around at the slightest provocation (real or perceived). I have decided that whatever it is it is HIS problem NOT mine. I am living my life. Should he pull his head out of his azz I might actually want to talk to him and/or have sex with him. Right now if I wanted to have sex with a teenager it would be one who really was a teenager and could boink me five times in a row instead of a 40 year old acting like a kid.
BTW - the 4-D ultrasound is beyond cool. Kid #1 was 14 1/2 years ago and you could hardly tell what you were looking at on the ultrsound. It was better five years later with DD9. Now it is simply incredible - you can actually get an idea of their features.
Our daughter had 2 ultrasounds for her now, 2 yr old. I saw a news report about the 4D pictures. Big improvement over what the daughter had.
I wanted to have sex with a teenager it would be one who really was a teenager and could boink me five times in a row Karen1, Don't do it, you would wind up walking funny or possibly just get sore. Stick to 2X a day. Just kidding but I see what you mean. Sorry it's that way.
whatever it is it is HIS problem NOT mine. I am living my life
I have decided that whatever it is it is HIS problem NOT mine.
I still don’t understand this way of thinking. If this statement were true, his actions would not bother you in the least. But the fact is that they bother you quite a lot, and understandably so. Maybe you can’t do anything to stop his actions, but you can certainly let him know you don’t like it, that it affects you, that you know he is trying to project anger and power, and that he needs to stop. Even though he is acting within his own rights and doing nothing to you or to prevent you from feeling as you choose to feel, he is still exerting considerable control over your emotions whether you like it or not. Why don’t you just ask him why he is upset, whether he wants to talk about it, and if he says no, then tell him to get over it on his own but drop the attitude ASAP because it is bothering YOU. It all sounds like bullying behavior to me.
Oh, and all that stuff about how sensitive he is to sounds, touch, smells, etc… If he isn’t Asperger’s, then tell him to grow up and get over that too.
Everyone has bad days, bad weeks, bad times of year etc... I recognize that his acting out probably has a lot to do with his usual Holiday funk and I will jack him up about it later but if I do it while he is busy putting on a show then it only escalates the sitch. It is HIS problem and it does bother me because he is showing off in a space that belongs to me too. Knowing that it is HIS problem doesn't make it any more fun to live with it. So, I extricate myself from that space for a while and find something productive to do. Later, maybe today, I will ask what the issue is and he will be able to speak about it more rationally. I learned a long time ago that prodding the lion while it is roaring is not smart. It isn't so much a power thing that he indulges himself in as it is a distancing/avoidance thing. He makes it where no one wants to be close because he is depressed and wants to isolate.
As for the smells, sounds, etc...esentially, I do tell him to grow up. The rest of us enjoyed the concert. He hates the smell of coffee. I bought a coffee pot that minimizes odor and I make my coffee anyway. I make dinners that he will eat and steam some vegetable (which he won't eat) and put them to the side because the kids and I enjoy them. To me, this is part and parcel of living with anyone. Household noise? - too bad, the kids and I live here too. We all have preferences and we all must learn to live with others and their preferences. Roomate 101.
Does any of this make it easier for us to have an intimate R? No. Is this a permanent condition? No. Is it episodic and to be expected periodically - you bet. Just like periodically I have moments of extreme self doubt, worries about my appearance, job concerns or whatever. This is the part that you address when you have mentioned that the "system" that is your marriage may not be wholly healthy and that within that system certain validation needs to happen, certain accomodations are made, even while working to increase the health of the system. It isn't fun but it is absolutely normal to have some issues like this in any R.
I brought home about 2 hours of work last night - fun. So, after I got the girls all straight I did my work. H was deep in private convo with DS14 in his office for most of that time. After their convo and after he had spent all day with DD2 (he took her for the afternoon after our u/s appointment) he was in a TON better spirits. So, he chatted about stuff and stroked my arm over and over. We'll see what progresses from here. I don't think I need to address his recent azzish activities, as he is adult and is more than aware that he has been a d*ck lately. If it starts up again I will point out that I have had enough for one holiday.
Well - I try to remember that there are times I get into a funk of my own and he does the same for me. The part that we are never on the same page about is that when he is in his funk he really does want the time and space but when I am in a funk I want to be talked to, cuddled etc... He gives me time and space despite my repeated requests for the opposite.
Well - the drought continues. I am halfway between seething internalized anger and laconic disregard for the whole subject. It is an odd spot. I continue to not address it - on purpose. I want to see how long it takes until he cares, notices or comments on us not having a sex life. Of course, his ability to not address will probably outstrip mine. We are at almost 2 months now.
Baby must be parked in a bad spot (sciatic nerve) because I limped for two days with pain going all the way down one leg. I'm sure, if asked, H would say that I clearly wasn't "up to" sex. It is better now - baby must have moved. He very often uses my tiredness, little cold, minor ache or pain to defend HIS lack of interest. He knows for a fact that I have said always ask and if I'm not up to it I will let you know. He doesn't ask.
You only knew after the package was delivered. Now there are few surprises.
Then all of the well wishers started to breath again. 
