Quote: Wow, GH, is that what it looks like, loving detachment?
I think so. Really, what it is, if I am trying to be honest, is me having a very large amount of self-esteem/security right now and this stuff really doesn't shake me. But, to the extent that I am affected (you bet I was a bit angry at hearing she talked to him) and then managed to control my response, yes, it is loving detachment.
Quote: How does it feel?
Pretty darn good.
Quote: Does it boil down to unconditional love, where you feel bad about the other's pain, wish that it would stop, but don't take ownership for fixing it or let it give you pain?
I guess. To me it boils down to unconditional love and commitment to my marriage. It means not living through this part of things with one foot out the door, constantly looking for that "one last thing" that will signal the end. I COULD have reacted by thinking "Oh freaking great, that's it, she's talking to him again. She must be f--king him too. Now I know it's all a lie and we're back to square one, or even worse...it's OVER!"
As for the fixing part, I did still try to offer some kind of "fixing" advice but yes, I was able to sympathize with her pain, have compassion for her, but not internalize or take blame for it. That's a very new thing for me, even after all this time.
Also, the missing element here is relief. I felt a sense of relief that finally she talked. She finally trusted me to tell me her feelings and I don't think I let her...OR myself down. I think that sense of relief, a very positive feeling, was what helped me get over the initial shock of hearing that she talked to him. (geezus...LOTS of self-analyzing psycho-babble crap today)
Quote: And non-judgemental.
BIIIIIIIGGGGGG part of all this. The night before, when she was drunk and spewing her usual emotional stuff all over the place (probably not the best visual...), one thing she said that actually made it through my "detachment filter" was that I was still very judgmental. I thought about this and she was right. I was. Maybe I was right to judge certain things (affair for one) but I did it across the board. SO, when this convo started, one thing that I immediately thought of was to NOT judge her (liar, cheater, etc) but to listen and see if I could really hear her. I tell you, that REALLY made a difference because if I had judged her at the start, the finish would have been VERY different, that much I know for sure.
Quote: How to deal with your own pain? Do you, and all DBer's, learn to push the pain away, stop thinking about it? Does it have to be dealt with eventually to keep resentment from building up or to avoid an explosion?
I bolded that question because I think understanding this is one of the hardest, and most important aspects of making this stuff work. You deal with the pain, or at least I dealt with it by first, REALLY BELIEVING that it was NOT ABOUT ME all the time, or really, any of the time when it came to the affair. Then I had to learn to deal with the pain of realizing that the woman I loved spent a large part of her life now not caring about me.
To deal with THAT pain, I had to learn that I really could not control my W and if she chose not to care about me, well, there wasn't much I could do about it.
Then, with all that emotion swirling around all the time, despite my best intentions not to allow it to control me, I had to learn that I actually LIKED the pain and once I realized THAT sad little fact, I was able to make a different choice...to like being happy much better.
The fact is that anger, pain, resentment, etc, are all reactions to stimuli. That are NOT generated directly by someone else, as if we can't control it. There is NO access granted to ANYONE to our emotional "switches". We merely have reactions, and allow these reactions to get out of control.
I am not here to tell you that you can control your emotions 100%...or even 50%. Hell, I still cry at a sad movie. What I am saying is that yes, through a combination of learning what pain is "real" and what is self-inflicted, and then learning to vent the "real" pain and allow yourself to get past it, you can avoid the resentment and "explosion" that often plagues us in our sitches.
By no means have I been close to perfect in this respect, but I do strive to be better every day. You don't think I believe I DESERVE a certain amount of pity and pain? You betcha, but I know better now...and I fight it every day.
Quote: I was sad that the tears W cried for him seemed to be tears of love, while the tears she cries for me seem to be tears of guilt, but I moved on. I know it must be very hard for her. I wish I could make it better for her, but I can't.
Don't read her mind. You thinking her tears for him were "love" and her tears for you were "guilt" makes you as idealistic and nieve as she is. Love comes in many forms and her guilt over hurting you is as valid an expression of love as some pitter-patter of the heart is for him.
