Thanks all. I really do think it was an eye-opening experience for BOTH of us that we could talk about that subject without anger or much emotion.
I want to back-track and reply to OT who said some things what warrant (go figure, lol) reply.
Quote: Notice that your W said she *thought* she loved him, not that she *did* love him.
Yea, I did notice that, and even made sure she clarified it. She said there was a time when she really thought she was in love with him, and she does have strong feelings, but she doesn't think of it as love anymore.
Quote: It sounds like she is starting to grapple with one of the most painful things for a WAS. Her R was a sham, an escape. She risked her M, risked breaking up her family, acted against her values for a cheap meaningless A with someone she neither likes nor respects. YUCK. She became a person who would do lie, cheat, deceive. YUCK. It is very painful for a WAS to start to get a grip on who they became and what they did for an R that now turns their stomachs.
Yea, I think she started with this idea a long time ago but is just now talking about it.
Quote: Anyway, I suspect W is torn between still idealizing the R w/OM to feel better about herself (leading her to be angry and critical with you), and starting to acknowledge to herself what the R w/OM really was (empty escape) and how damaging it was to her and everyone else (leading her to be angry and critical with you).
Yep. On the subject of her being critical with me, that was one part of our talk yesterday I didn't post about because it was kinda off the subject but... I did manage to introduce the idea that her "feelings" for OM, or about herself were probably a lot more responsible for her starting to pull away from me/intimacy than any supposed weight gain or sudden lack of concern over my appearance I developed. She didn't really reply but I took that as a silent admission that I was right. We are still probably going to have more of that talk sometime.
Quote:
BTW, the cell phone thing is BS. She knows she didn't do it, and she didn't do it because she doesn't want to cut off contact. Making that decisive move requires acknowledging that it was not the ideal R she thought it was. IMHO, it is high time to quit tolerating continued contact.
I agree with the first part, I guess am wishy-washy about the last part. It's hard to "quit tolerating" something that she claims doesn't exist. She SAYS the first time she's talked to him in the last 4-5 months was two days ago and before that, it's only been voice-mail. I don't know if this is true or not and I am not willing to go to any extent to find out. I don't believe in snooping, period. If she says she has not initiated contact, nor has she answered the phone when she knows it's him, fine.
Bottom line is that she can make up her own mind. If she continues to say that she's NOT pursuing anything with him, would prefer not to talk to him, etc, and SEEMES to be taking action to make that happen, that's good enough for me. Other than calling her out for lying, I don't really see what else I need to do...and I don't really think she's lying.
Thank you, as always, for your response. You DA MAN...er...WOman!
