Actually, things took a bad turn, which led to a good one. Lemme explain.
Last night, which turned into the wee hours of this morning (2 hours of sleep) W was upset. She had a lot to drink and didn't bother with her usual attempts to hide her feelings. I didn't bother with my usual attempts to, well, to do much of anything. She tried to bait me into a long talk and I didn't bite. I did listen to her but she didn't have much to say other than there was something she could tell me but I would be mad, etc...that I would be mad either way. I didn't even bite at that. I just said I understood and eventually, at around 4:00am, she fell asleep in my arms. That was after a LOT of tears and such.
I would have to say it was my best effort at loving detachment yet. I don't know if that's something to be proud of at this point, but I guess I am.
Anyway, I am sick so I had already planed on staying home from work. I actually offered to take the kids to school for her since I was going to sleep the rest of the day away.
She apologized profusely for keeping me up, etc.
Of course, it was no secret what all that was about. She even said it was about OM in some way but didn't elaborate.
When I got back to the house from dropping the kids off (I actually kinda surprised her because she didn't know I was going to stay home), she was very glad to see me and we snuggled up in our bed for a LONG morning nap. There really was no tension.
Later on, after watching a movie and eating lunch, we took showers. As she was taking hers, it came to me to say "Hey honey, I would really appreciate it if you would decide to talk about 'that thing' sometime other than 2am and after a bottle of wine. I want to hear what you have to say, but not then." She simply replied "Ok."
I didn't really think anything would come of it but suddenly, as we were going to pick the kids up from school she says... (lots o' paraphrasing)
W: It was about [OM] (called him by name...strange), it's ALWAYS about him when I get like that at night. M: Ok, I figured that. W: He called. I didn't expect it. I have not heard from him in a long time and when I heard his voice, it set me back. I have been SO happy for the past few months, it sucked to hear from him. M: So you talked to him. W: Yes. M: For how long? W: For about ten minutes. He kept telling me how wrong I was and how we're meant for each other. He said I was living a lie staying married and that I should get a divorce. (throughout the convo she told me a lot more about what he said, all of which boiled down to that sentiment repeated in different ways...he sounded desperate...poor OM) M: Do you agree? W: NO, I told him that I made my choice and I was sorry but that was that. M: Ok, if that's "that" then you don't need any more contact from him. Block his number. W: I wish it was that simple. He calls from different numbers. He does that on purpose. M: Ok, so when you hear it's him, hang up... W: I know, I should but he makes me feel like I've ruined his life. He tells me that. He said he tried to see other people and it doesn't work, because he only wants me. M: Ok, well, that's his problem. Look, I know how you probably feel. I can't say I like it at all, but I understand. You're human. When I don't get is how you can feel bad about hurting him when he literally hurt you in many different ways. W: That's only part of his personality... M: BS. That may be, but I don't get women who stay with men who abuse them. I just don't get it but that's not the issue. W: No, it's not. Whatever the case, I am happy now and I hate that I feel like I am back to square one. M: I understand that. It's like when you smell a certain smell and it all of a sudden brings you back to another time, another place... W: Exactly. M: Well, I'm glad you trusted me to talk to me about it. W: I didn't really, but I felt like I needed to be honest. I thought you would get angry. You always do. M: I didn't, but would you have blamed me? W: No, not at all. I understand how you feel, but I also just want to be honest with you. M: I appreciate that, I really do...
I summarized what she had said, to make sure I understood, and then asked her point blank if there was anything I needed to worry about beyond the obvious that some guy was bothering my wife. She said no, and reiterated for Nth time that she was happy, etc. I didn't get that she was trying to convince herself, but that she really was trying to convince me. I asked her if she was upset because what he said rang true and she said no. She didn't feel the way he did. I threw in some stuff about reading that in cases like this there needed to be absolutely no contact for the very reason she's describing, the renewed feelings, etc. She agreed...but I dunno if she will actively cut it off.
I DO believe that she won't get back involved with him. I don't KNOW that, but I feel it. We seem a lot more "right" that we ever have so I am going to run with that.
That was about it. I think she was TOTALLY taken aback that she could talk to me about her feelings and I didn't get defensive or angry.
For my part, I didn't really see the need. I didn't feel angry. The emotion I think I felt was sadness that this was still a part of our life, and compassion for the position my W feels she is in.
That said, though some little additional convos here and there for the rest of the day, we both agreed that he can't be a part of her life anymore. I think what she's looking for is for him to move on, find someone else so it will be easier for her. I told her that it's not her problem. She's a married woman who can't fill that role in his life. She CAN'T be a people pleaser where he's concerned. She agreed.
I can't put my finger on it, but it really feels like some hurdle has been leaped today. She's opened up to me before, but not like that, not totally sober, in the light of day. There's some symbolism in that.
I feel much more at ease. I don't know if I just got a tour of the tip of the iceberg, or a glimpse at the whole thing, but at least I've been invited to the Arctic. We'll see where things go from here.
As far as I'm concerned, communication is good. Today was good. Time to move forward.
