Ok, this MAY come as a "ah ha" moment for you but I am like your H in terms of spending (according to my W) and my W misinterprets it ALL THE TIME, and it's one of her big issues with me.
For me, I like to spend money on my family, doing fun things, getting them what they like, even on myself on a rare occasion. I do this because I feel like we SHOULD be able to do it. Let me try to explain a bit better.
I feel like, as the main earner in the family, that if we have to spend less, or can't do certain things, I am a failure. I didn't provide well enough. So what happens is I often pay less attention to our financial sitch (which my W takes care of...all the bills, etc) and maybe I spend too much on occasion. I know that's MY problem and is not really the case (the failure part) but it's how I feel and my W doesn't get that.
My W thinks it's because I always need to be entertained, that I always need to be doing something grand FOR MY SAKE. I've tried to tell her it's NOT for me, it's for her and the kids but she gets upset and says that's BS, that they don't NEED to do all those things, etc.
I guess at the heart of it, it's one of the hidden (I say hidden because I don't really subscribe to the general wisdom about how men SHOULD act) ways I express my manly desire to fill the provider role.
When I don't get to do that, when my family doesn't get to enjoy certain things, it makes me feel like I'm not filling that role.
I know that may be WAY off from what your H does, but I think there may be some element of it that applies.
My H has a very big issue (in my opinion) with money and how it equates with him being a good provider for his family.
My brothers for example both have jobs where they receive an anual bonus (a very big one) and whenever my H hears about it he gets all pissy and in a bad mood. Needless to say, it is a sore subject.
My H has a very good job and makes a decent amount of money but...we have been living way beyond our means for the past 5 years. It is both of our fault and we are now facing reality and trying to dig ourselves out of this hole.
H spends $10-$20 a day on scratch off tickets (yes, you could say he is addicted). In the grand scheme of things it is not that bad considering what he was spending money on last year (going out with OW) but I still wish he wouldn't do it.
I probably will stop stressing about it because I do not want to emasculate him or make him feel less of the "man"/provider and again I cannot control or mother him by telling him what he can or cannot do.
I wanted to add my 2 cents here because I struggle with my wife with this topic every day it seems and my 11 year old daughter is following in her foot steps. God gave us the ten comandments to make our life easier, not harder. He knows we can not live up to them so Jesus Christ had to suffer so that we may have eternal life. If you think about the 10 comandments, if we could live by them as we should, our lives would be so much easier and a lot less troubles would come about.
Quote: My brothers for example both have jobs where they receive an anual bonus (a very big one) and whenever my H hears about it he gets all pissy and in a bad mood. Needless to say, it is a sore subject.
This is where the 10th Comandment comes in...Thou shalt not covet. The Westminster Larger Catechism interprets this commandment, close to its original meaning: "The sins forbidden in the tenth commandment are, discontentment with our own estate; envying and grieving at the good of our neighbor, together with all inordinate motions and affections to anything that is his."
Quote: My H has a very good job and makes a decent amount of money but...we have been living way beyond our means for the past 5 years.
99% of americans live above there means. And the really unfortunate thing is that if we make more money we will still live above our means. I think the 10th comandment is one of the easiest ones to do if we just put our mind to it and yet it seems so hard to balance the scale on goals which are good and wants for unnessary things. Maybe the way I worded all of this makes little since, but I think if we could follow this comandment it would keep us from going above our means.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
Quote: I feel like, as the main earner in the family, that if we have to spend less, or can't do certain things, I am a failure. I didn't provide well enough. So what happens is I often pay less attention to our financial sitch (which my W takes care of...all the bills, etc) and maybe I spend too much on occasion. I know that's MY problem and is not really the case (the failure part) but it's how I feel and my W doesn't get that.
A lot of what I went through and what caused our breakdown - and I hope other's read this too because I think we need to help them understand - at least. It's funny because we (W and I) did an "Ah-hah" and looked at each other during a recent viewing of the movie RV with Robin Williams - predicatable comedy but all about a guy that has lost touch with his family and comes to realise the importance of it all - and F the lifestyle. I can't TELL you how many times my W told me that (although I do wonder what she would have been like had I not risen into the corporate ranks).
Glad to hear things are chugging along. Complacency is the enemy.
You sum it up well in a prior post.
Quote: Hey, it's the stepping, and the direction that's important, not how big the steps are.
All the best.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
You are doing it for YOUR SAKE. Your W has said she doesn't want it and would prefer financial stability along with a responsible financial PARTNER. Your children will benefit more from growing up with parents who live well within their means. College savings accounts are always useful. And, given you have passes to Disney, I can assure you your children are not deprived.
You are doing it because it makes YOU feel good, even at the cost of burying your head in the sand about the fiscal soundness of your choices. You don't LIKE experiencing the feeling you get when you realize you don't have unlimited funds. You want to feel like the big man. Eh hem. Grow up and be a great financial P in this M. It is MUCH more attractive than a big surprise that is ill-afforded.
Mama, ditto, pretty much. Burying your head in the sand and ignoring H's insane spending is not going to get you anywhere. You need to work together in a responsible financial partnership. Certainly, H should have some funds to spend without you questioning where every dime goes. If he wants to squander it on lottery tickets or iTunes, so be it. You should also have some free spending money. But, it sounds like the two of you need to develop a budget, get your free spending money each week, and use the rest on necessities, getting out of debt, and savings. PLEASE quit avoiding this, it isn't doing anyone any good. And, you had better address one source of your resentment directly -- the money he spent on OW -- rather than continue to let it pollute you financial lives.
Quote: H spends $10-$20 a day on scratch off tickets (yes, you could say he is addicted). In the grand scheme of things it is not that bad considering what he was spending money on last year (going out with OW) but I still wish he wouldn't do it.
Do you realize this means he spends $3600 - $7200 dollars a YEAR on scratch-off tickets? Wouldn't that money go an awfully long way towards paying off your debts - or towards a vacation in Tahiti, for that matter?
May I recommend a wonderful book that will change your way of thinking about money? It's called Your Money or Your Life by Dominguez. All about how the UNCONSCIOUS spending choices we make keep us from getting the things we want.
Jersting, OT and KML, Thank you all for the advice. GH, sorry for the hijack
I realize that H spends about $300-600 per month and I really wish he could cut it down to about $3-$5 per day and I need to speak to him about that, again.
Also, thank you for the book reccommendation. I will definitely read it as we need all the help we can get.
Wow, I leave for awhile and you just continue on, lol.
Please, hijack all you want Mama & Co. At least my thread will have some life that way.
OT, yes, I know I need to get over myself and be more responsible. I should point out that my W shares my irresponsibility even though she has more intimate knowledge of our situation at any given moment than I do. That doesn't make my actions any better or more justified (actually, probably should make me MORE responsible...) but I would say it's a joint issue in our marriage that we both need to work on.
We know this and are working on it now. We are doing some things to curb spending and also create long-er term goals for reducing down our debt.
It's a work in progress.
As for my sitch overall, well, a little dark cloud passed over my nice little world (lately at least) last weekend. W get a little pissed (as her people say) and "just had to let some things out", one of which happened to be that she was still trying to get over her "in love" feelings for OM. She didn't say she currently loved him but that at one time she thought she did and it still hurt.
She SWORE that there had been no contact. Well, she didn't really SWEAR that there had been none, but was pretty convincing in not getting defensive when I asked her about it. She said he did call a few times lately and she was pissed because she was so happy now, happy with me, happy with her life, and then she's brought back to thinking about him again.
We covered the blocking the number thing and she admitted that she didn't know how to do that, nor had she looked into it. I told her I'd be glad to do it for her.
She assured me it was not necessary. She said she was just trying to let me know why she was upset, not hide it. I asked her what happened to "I never want to see/hear from him again" and "He's an abusive, stalking a$$hole"? She said all that was true but before all that, she had strong feelings for him that are taking time to go away. She said that she had no plans, or felt no need to take any action, just that it affected her sometimes and she knows she can't expect me to understand or help her.
After a couple shots like "maybe I should act like an a$$hole, it works for him" I got control of myself and did actually validate and listen pretty well. I think I shocked her by not getting angry or attacking her. I actually was compassionate and showed her the love I want her to show me.
She said that she did not regret her choice to "come back" to me/the family at all, and actually was happier now than she's been in a long time. I would have to agree.
OT, yea, yea, yea, I know. I just think that according to all I have read on these boards, and in books, this is pretty standard stuff and I THINK she's telling me most, if not all the truth.
I did tell her that one of the things that bothers me the most is that feeling I have that she's not telling me everything. She said she was but I suspect that she may have talked to him. I WILL not snoop so I will accept her word on that.
As for how it affects us going forward, well, things are still pretty good on all fronts. I do NOT suspect any resumption of the affair unless she's 100% different this time, in that she can now have a full set of feelings for me AND OM at the same time which she was incapable of before.
I can't say I don't know what to do because I really think there is nothing to do. This "feeling" thing is nothing I didn't expect (oops...expecting again) so I was ready for it. I am glad she felt she could tell me and afterward, after a LOT of "I appreciate you SO much" etc, etc, etc, from her, we snuggled to sleep.
I feel like I did the right thing. I suppose I could have let myself get worked up over it, and truth be told, I did get worked up a bit but I guess a year of practice helped me get control pretty quickly and make actual DECISIONS about how I wanted to participate...or not in this conversation.
Since that night, we have had a couple more little exchanges about OM and such. She's been much more open about it since then and surprise, surprise, has downplayed that night, her feelings, his presence in her life, etc.
She says he's a non-factor and I think that is 90% true, working towards 100%. So long as I feel that's the case, I see no need to DO anything else at this point.
