Thanks Sven and Piglet. Things are going well heading into Christmas day. Lots of normal stress about what to get whom and so forth, but on the R front, all's well that end's well, and well...last night it ended VERY well.
Like Xue said in a post a bit ago, I think I am going to be taking a bit of a break from here for a bit...maybe.
My sitch is getting into the "rut" stage and I don't know if that means I should be here more or less but I know things are not really moving forward anymore. Sure, time is passing and things aren't getting worse as far as I know but comparing the last week or two with the previous month and a half, well, there is no comparison. We ML'ed every other night, she was loving, seemed to want to be around me, etc. Now, since the "talk" we had where she said she was still not very happy with us or me, she's been distant, at least in the intimacy department.
We had a good Christmas and other than the "feeling" I had about her being distant, WE were fine.
One thing I really have to work on is that whole idea that not everything has to do with me and this distance probably has much more to do with other things in her life (not OM) than me. She has her "crazy" friend who is a constant drain on her and she's trying to extricate her from her life. She WANTS to be rid of this woman but she also happens to be the person W went to when the whole OM thing was going down (I guess W didn't realize the extent of her insanity). She's now afraid that if she cuts this woman out, she'll start talking about my W's affair, etc. Sounds like high school to me but it's bothering my W. Also, the whole Christmas present/family (hers) thing was a huge stress/drain on her. Add to that her "issues" with me, real or otherwise, and I guess I shouldn't expect much different than what I saw.
I keep coming back to what OT told me long ago, right in the beginning of my "reconciliation". I'll paraphrase; "At some point, things will not feel right, or something will happen and you'll find yourself wondering if it's OM all over again."
She was dead on, but you know what? I refuse to live my life with that fear in the back of my mind. I think, subconsciously, I am still thinking that and it has to stop, which brings be to my "break" from here. I need to focus on the positives in my life, working on me, being a great dad, and that may mean less focus on the usual topics of affairs, pain, etc, on the boards. I also want to keep my detachment going so I can ride this out and be a comfort for her instead of adding to her problems.
I still get angry when my W is upset because I can't "fix" her. I still mirror her emotions. I still have expectations (BTW, I think that's one of the major reasons why the $ex has slowed down...I went from WANTING her to EXPECTING her to ML with me. Big difference, and I'm sure she's felt it) and I still get upset when those expectations aren't met.
I have a lot of work to do and while I may take longer stints away from the board, I will still be around. Hell, maybe more than before rather than less but I intend to hold off, at least for now. As the anniversary of the "bombs" approaches (December 30th) I'm sure I will post some more.
Take care for now and for those of you whom I have been keeping up with, I will continue to do so.
Good for you. I think from time to time you need a break - you need to examine your intentions - modify behaviours that are not getting you intended results, etc.
Regarding the rut - I hear you bro! When we were on our family vacation this summer (about three months after I moved home) we had a great time - got really close and I thought we were on the right path. As fall rolled around, we bought our new house and the stress of the holidays approached - I sensed a rut.
So I too, took a break from the board, hunkered down my DR/DB efforts, re-established goals, and GAL'd. It took a couple of weeks, but slowly the W and I started really falling back in love. This culminated with an admission by HER of me being "her true love", at dinner with MY family. This was a huge breakthrough.
What I noticed in the rut was exactly what you are noticing - as we piece, we start to "expect" things which might lead to disappointment - which shows on our face and in our moods. I know I jettisoned that (though it took a 2x4 to the head back in say November) and instead reminded myself to give love unconditionally and lose the expectations. A tough feat, but I think worth the effort. I think our S's can sense the feeling of let down and can become bitter. In their mind, they are giving all they can but it never seems enough. I know this was a root issue with my W way back when.
Time and patience and focus on yourself - the W will notice. Move back to what you were doing pre-reconciliation and stay there. At the same time, take time to really listen and understand her - I know as busy as we are, I almost have to force myself to slow down, listen and understand - NOT FIX - but understand. If you haven't read "For Men Only" by Feldhahn, please do - some great stuff in there, and it can be read in about a night.
Good luck GH - take the time for yourself. You'll be fine.
Happy New Year.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
This will be short. Yesterday was the anniversary of the "bombs" falling in my house and I really just wanted to get through the day without any incident. Superstition I guess.
Well, it was not to be I guess. Long story short, we had another abreviated ML session and she let loose with the fact that I have FULLY returned to my "it's all about sex" mode and she hates that. She hasn't felt like I was "intimate" with her for any other reason but "getting some" for some time now.
I said I understood but thought she liked how I was "behaving". She said she did for awhile but then it started feeling like old times and she started feeling like not comming to bed at night because the expectations were so high (ouch). I didn't argue...much. I just tried to validate and get out of the convo.
Today is pretty ok. I just wish yesterday, of all days, could have been better.
Anyway, another pretty open, learning experience for me. I suppose as long as she's telling me this stuff, that's a good thing, eh?
Have a GREAT new year you all and I will see you in 2007!
Yes, I do believe your right. If she's telling you about it it's a good thing. Had a little taste of that myself the other day. Hang in there.
This expectations thing. Hmmm guess it's getting the best of me too. Things have been good and I guess I just expect more. W and I used to have a New years Eve tradition. Stayed in, I cooked Filet and Lobster, nice bottle of wine, and we ML at the stroke of midnight. Kinda tried to time things to the new year.
So today things are good but I think maybe those expectations are getting in the way. My own emotions are bubbling up and messing with me. They haven't done that in awhile. Guess it's those damn expectations.
Well I got the Filet, lobster and wine.
She's kinda skirting the fact that it's NYE.
Man this is hard.
Happy New Year to you and wishing us all the best in the coming year.
Maybe its not NYE she's "skirting" as opposed to the ML she might feel pressured about? Not saying that she does but its tough to carry on those traditions year after year without feeling some sort of duty - so to speak
Just a thought
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
And then... She is INSISTING that we ML tonight. Says she was just overtired last night, etc, etc, etc. Yea, and the time before that...and the time before that... It's been awhile since we've actually gone through with a ML attempt.
Anyway, Xue, sounds like we are both suffering form expecting rather than wanting. I know that's killed my W's sex drive (unless it's something else that's done that) and I am going to try REALLY hard to correct that.
My New Year's resolution is to make 2007 the year of achieved goals, unbridled passion and NO EXPECTATIONS WHAT- SO-EVER!!!
Happy New Years to you GH! I think expectations are what kill us. We need to just live in the moment. Be spontaneous. If nothing happens, so be it. Don't think for a minute that it is easy on your W either. She has expectations AND anxieties too!
Thanks Mama. Actually, you were a victim of a lost post. I had written to you a couple days ago but forgot to post before I closed my browser. I just wanted to encourage you to follow your heart and do what you need to do to make YOU happy.
I know we say that all the time, and I'm sure, knowing me, I had more than that to say but that's the gist.
Here's to you having a GREAT new year and if not, here's to you making the most of what you have.
