Like Xue said in a post a bit ago, I think I am going to be taking a bit of a break from here for a bit...maybe.
My sitch is getting into the "rut" stage and I don't know if that means I should be here more or less but I know things are not really moving forward anymore. Sure, time is passing and things aren't getting worse as far as I know but comparing the last week or two with the previous month and a half, well, there is no comparison. We ML'ed every other night, she was loving, seemed to want to be around me, etc. Now, since the "talk" we had where she said she was still not very happy with us or me, she's been distant, at least in the intimacy department.
We had a good Christmas and other than the "feeling" I had about her being distant, WE were fine.
One thing I really have to work on is that whole idea that not everything has to do with me and this distance probably has much more to do with other things in her life (not OM) than me. She has her "crazy" friend who is a constant drain on her and she's trying to extricate her from her life. She WANTS to be rid of this woman but she also happens to be the person W went to when the whole OM thing was going down (I guess W didn't realize the extent of her insanity). She's now afraid that if she cuts this woman out, she'll start talking about my W's affair, etc. Sounds like high school to me but it's bothering my W. Also, the whole Christmas present/family (hers) thing was a huge stress/drain on her. Add to that her "issues" with me, real or otherwise, and I guess I shouldn't expect much different than what I saw.
I keep coming back to what OT told me long ago, right in the beginning of my "reconciliation". I'll paraphrase; "At some point, things will not feel right, or something will happen and you'll find yourself wondering if it's OM all over again."
She was dead on, but you know what? I refuse to live my life with that fear in the back of my mind. I think, subconsciously, I am still thinking that and it has to stop, which brings be to my "break" from here. I need to focus on the positives in my life, working on me, being a great dad, and that may mean less focus on the usual topics of affairs, pain, etc, on the boards. I also want to keep my detachment going so I can ride this out and be a comfort for her instead of adding to her problems.
I still get angry when my W is upset because I can't "fix" her. I still mirror her emotions. I still have expectations (BTW, I think that's one of the major reasons why the $ex has slowed down...I went from WANTING her to EXPECTING her to ML with me. Big difference, and I'm sure she's felt it) and I still get upset when those expectations aren't met.
I have a lot of work to do and while I may take longer stints away from the board, I will still be around. Hell, maybe more than before rather than less but I intend to hold off, at least for now. As the anniversary of the "bombs" approaches (December 30th) I'm sure I will post some more.
Take care for now and for those of you whom I have been keeping up with, I will continue to do so.
