Thanks ladies. WCW, actually I am very happy. I was as of yesterday. I know I screwed up but I don't think it's anything that will affect my sitch long-term other than making it better.
I know the weight thing seems absurd but it's not really, and even if it seems to be, it's not really about the weight, it's about what it represents.
You see, when my W met me (and I'm sure this story is replayed millions of times in millions of R's) I was in great shape, had a VERY active social life, was a "cool" fashion photographer, with long hair and a rebel attitude etc, etc, etc. She was a funky, cool, VERY smart, in shape girl.
Basically from the time we got engaged (and that's literally because I see it in pictures over time) I started to get out of shape. By the time the honeymoon rolled around, I was about 18 pounds heavier than when we met 1 1/2 years prior. She never really said anything about it.
As time went on, I cut my hair and never really styled it. I stopped shooting fashion and got a day job, became VERY anti-social and put on a little more weight.
Sure, that all sounds like necessary growing up, but it was more than that. I could have adjusted to married-with-kids-life and still maintained a lot of who I was. I allowed that to slip. I assure you what she perceived as me not really caring is true. I didn't. I thought I looked ok but I knew I wasn't doing a damn thing about it and was ok with that. I misunderstood what I was supposed to be doing all this time. I thought it was good enough to bring home a paycheck and help out with the kids. Um....
So I allowed my life to get stale and stopped having anything to offer other than a paycheck. That is not just revised history, it's the truth.
Through all that, she actually got in better shape, got a third degree, became a mom and then got back in shape as fast as you probably can, etc, etc, etc. She remained pretty much the woman I knew when I met her.
Bottom line is that she's always felt like a bit of a bait and switch happened between the time she met me and when we got married. Sure, it wasn't nearly all bad and we had a lot of great years but this idea that I just let myself go, in MANY ways, stuck with her.
Fast forward to this past weekend. She finally felt like I was back to the "old" me, the me that cared about myself, how I looked, how I felt, etc. Then, just like last time, when she made a commitment to me, the bottom dropped out.
I'm sure it felt like a sucker punch to her. I wish I fully understood all this before. Not that I should be doing this FOR her, but I think my motivation was always lurking under the surface and realizing how important this all was to the overall scheme of things would have been the thing to pull it up.
Now, I am SO freaking happy to feel like I am 100% into all this for me. She DID motivate me, that I can admit, but I know that if I want this to last, this marriage, my happiness, etc, it will be ME that keeps it going.
I also found out that after a lifetime of hating running, I really enjoy it, so much that I may start looking into doing short running events. My SIL suggested that when she found out I started running the last time. It sounds like a great way to not only keep in shape, but to GAL too!
So, I am still very happy. I'd like to think I could maintain that happiness in the face of just about anything but I know that's not quite true. I am getting better at it after a lifetime of relying on other people to spoon feed me my happiness.
I know this all sounds a bit superficial (when I read it I think that too) but it all points to deeper, more emotional things from our past that are just summarized by the more surface things. In a way, I think fixing THOSE surface issues can make inroads towards fixing the other, deeper wounds.
