Quote: (1) Definitely keep up the self-improvements for YOU.
Check!
Quote: (2) Change what your kids eat on the weekends. If it isn't good for you, it certainly isn't good for them.
Actually a sticking point with my W and I. We BOTH say we WANT them to eat better but we rarely do anything about it. I'm sure somewhere in her mind she blames me for "making" them that way (picky, bad eaters). It's an issue we've had for a long time and yes, we do need to change their eating habits overall, not just on the weekends.
Quote: (3) Your W's hypocriticalness is NOT due to the gain of a pound or a month of no jogging or an extra slice of pizza. She is taking something out on you and/or projecting onto you. So, my guess is that some or all of these things are going on:
I suspect you're right...
Quote: -- She heard from OM or is thinking about him and feels like crap. She doesn't like feeling like crap so she becomes critical of you.
Well, we know this to be true. Whatever he said in the "message" she got from him weeks ago seems to have shaken her. I don't get that she has any positive feelings but rather that it just brought it all back up to her again and she's feeling like crap.
Quote: -- She feels like crap for letting herself go since reconciling.
In one of my better (er...worse) moments, I actually said this to her. I suggested that she may be saying these things to me because since her personal trainer boyfriend left the picture, she's basically stopped working out. She even went so far as to say that she needed "motivation" a few weeks ago, in an almost blatant attempt to say that without OM pushing her, she just doesn't do it. Of course when I try to motivate her, I come off critical, etc.
Anyway, she actually agreed that she's slacked off but said at least she's gone back to the gym recently and is getting things back going in the right direction.
As an aside, I also mentioned to her that what sucks about me is that I value her (substitute MY) happiness more than personal appearance...to a point. I would rather her have 10 pounds on her and be happy than miserable and skinny. Probably the wrong thing to say, but WTH, I was on a roll.
Quote: -- And this is a big one that she made pretty clear: She is sick of managing your feelings. (SHE needs to stop this one.)
Actually, I think it's more than that. She's sick of managing my life. I think she's sick of feeling like mommy to me as well as the boys and frankly, that's the role I've allowed her to slip back into lately. BAD BAD BAD!
Quote: -- Also, she does not feel heard. Whether this is because you aren't listening or she isn't speaking up doesn't much matter. The TWO OF YOU need to figure out a way to change this.
Yep. I've been working on it but don't really get much help from her. She's always (and I know that's a pretty long-reaching word) been the kind of person who would rather stifle their feelings/words in order to smooth over the situation, only to have things boil over into a MUCH bigger deal than they originally were.
I thought she'd changed a bit on that front, but I guess not as much as I'd thought. Really, she claimed to have felt this way for weeks now and this is the first thing I have heard about it. We need to improve communication for sure. I will work on listening and go from there.
Quote: -- The problems aren't going to go away on their own. But they aren't going to go away with just your efforts. To change things, you need to work together to create a new problem.
I don't want a new problem, lol, I just want the old ones gone. I know we both have to work on these things but she's just so closed up sometimes. It's getting better though, especially in regards to us having and then resolving conflicts.
Quote: -- Apologize directly for your reaction. Tell her you want her input and you want her to feel heard. Come up with 3 things to ask for her help on figuring out what the TWO of you can do to make things different. For instance, (1) stop managing each other's feelings, (2) make sure her voice gets heard clearly earlier, (3) finding guilt free time for you so that you can continue to be the new improved H.
I don't think I will apologize. I did that profusely on Saturday night. I don't want to talk about it any more. I know what I need to do and I also know that she pays MUCH more attention that I ever thought so she'll notice. I just think more talking is not what we need right now.
Bottom line is that I know what I need to do and I want to do it for me, FOR REAL this time.
I am not too worried about this. I know I said she traumatized me but in reality, she probably gave me the wakeup slap I needed to once and for all straighten up.
It's one thing to cruise through a marriage, get the bomb and then do a bunch of stuff to make things better. It's such a traumatic time that no matter how much you may think it's all about you and self-growth, in reality, it's as much about self-preservation as it is anything else. DB just gives us an alternative set of actions to take.
The tough part is that when the crisis is done, it's human nature to relax a bit and that's when the trouble starts. I am now seeing that there is almost a second phase to DB that involves learning how to REALLY integrate it's principles into your life when there is no driving force compelling you to other than your own will power.
