I guess I shouldn't have to warn you about a LONG post from me. After a year you should know...
To say this weekend was bad is a terrible understatement. I have gone back and forth on posting that I am a fraud. I guess that's a bit harsh but the bottom line is that I come here an preach all this crap that I simply have not been living up...not even close.
Saturday night, for the 3rd time this week, we went to bed with her saying she wanted to ML. This time we didn't even get started before everything crashed. We were in the bathroom and as I walked out she said "So what happened to your workout?"
I was shocked. I immediately got VERY defensive (broken GH rule #1) and fired something like "Oh nice, great timing on that one. I guess you're saying I'm fat?"
Long story short, rather than ML we spent an hour or so with her laying into me about how since things have gotten better between us everything I did when she was "cheating" had gone out the window. She said she noticed that I was eating much better, working out all the time and looked great back then. Now I am back to eating junk food all the time, never working out and putting the weight back on. She also said all the "Sure, you're a great dad and provide but that's all..." Implying once again that I was slacking off in the good husband role...gee, never heard THAT one before.
1 outa 3 ain't bad I guess. I DON'T eat junk food all the time but when I am with her and the kids, mainly because the kids eat junk on the weekends, I do too. During the week, I eat much better but she doesn't see that. I also weigh about the same (give or take 3 pounds) as I did this entire time since the initial LBS Weight Plan kicked in.
Anyway, all that aside (and trust me, IT WAS NOT ASIDE last that night...VERY defensive I was) she went on to say how she felt like the only way I give a crap about myself or how I look is when she traumatizes me. I argued till I was red in the face (damn me). I told her I DID CARE but...but...(INSERT MANY EXCUSES).
It came out that when we went to a party on Friday night (first time with a babysitter in a LONG time) she noticed that I had a bit of a gut hanging over my belt (not true...but). Then we went to a kid's birthday party on Saturday and my hair was overgrown (been trying to find the time to get it cut for 2 weeks now) so I just wore a baseball cap. She said between that and the shorts and t-shirt (I am usually dressed better than that), her friends said they didn't even recognize me (they always commented on how good I looked in the past).
THEN she got to the part where she said when we ML she can feel the difference when I have more weight on. She said I looked and felt SO much better a few weeks ago even.
I tried to argue that nothing had changed in that time, to come look at the scale and see for herself but she just said that wasn't the point. The point was that I didn't care now that I got what I wanted. I just went back to being the guy who didn't really give two craps about how he looks and that hurt her deeply.
In the end, she said her OLD usual (even before the "bomb"s she used to say this sometimes) "I can't do this anymore..."
I asked what that meant and she said "I can't pretend I am happy in this marriage anymore. I know what I have to do..."
Of course I asked what that was and she just said "Well, something different than what I'm doing right now because this isn't working for me." I did manage to say "Why not learn to tell me this stuff when you first notice it, and not when I am at my most vulnerable (naked, going to bed to ML). Why not just mention to me that I seem to be eating too much junk. She said she's tried (I disagree but...) and I have gotten defensive. I said that was LONG ago (pre-affair) and she hasn't tried being direct with me since all this happened. She said she was afraid to do that because of my reaction (OT, can you say managing my emotions?). I told her that I was ALWAYS VERY AFRAID of mentioning ANYTHING about her alcohol consumption but I did it never-the-less because I cared and I wanted her to know how I felt...and BTW, it never seemed to make much of a difference.
So, of course, in addition to getting defensive, especially when she talked about my "addiction to fast food" and how I get this happy look on my face when I get a cheeseburger and fries in my hands that sickens her, I attacked her for her drinking. She REALLY liked that part. Even though I am right to a certain extent that she seems to drink to much at times (which she admitted), it was the wrong time and didn't help.
There was much more than that, especially in the details of what she said, but that's the gist. To say I didn't listen very well and I didn't validate is dead on. Sure, I slipped in the occasional "Wow, it sucks you feel that way" here and there but overall, the convo was a lot of her trying to tell me how she felt and me arguing almost every point she made. Hell, she even did a great job of using "I" statements (I feel like you don't care anymore...I feel like you gave up once things got better...) until I got so defensive that she just started dirctly attacking me.
I was VERY upset and it carried over into yesterday where our physical interaction was almost non-existent. We got along fine, and neither of us brought up the night before, but it was there, with us all day.
The worst part of all; she's right. She's 98% right, at least when she says that I let everything slip once things started to get better. As ashamed as I am to admit it (and I eventually did admit it to her) she's right. I didn't really realize it, or at least put it all together, but I have let thing go for sure. I FELT it happening and even mentioned in a few posts that I thought I was getting complacent but I had no idea how much until Saturday night.
So I have a catch 22. She said the only way she sees to get me to give a crap about myself is to traumatize me...which she did a GREAT job of that night. So now, if I respond, I prove her point. If I don't...
This is where I DID take my own advice (hey, better late than never I suppose) and decided that I wanted to be married, not right, which are mutually exclusive in this case. Since I realized that I did indeed revert back to pre-bomb behavior in a lot of aspects of my life, I decided right then and there to stop talking about it.
I decided I had to re-discover whatever it was inside ME that motivated me to do all this in the first place. The one thing I would not conceded to her is that she was the ONLY reason I did everything I did. I KNOW I did a lot of it for myself and I need to get back to that.
Sure, for now, she gets to think that it was what she said that made the difference and for me, that means that it's CRITICAL that I make it stick this time. I HAVE TO actually BE that guy I claim to be that is all self-motivated and doing all this for his own good.
Up to now, I did much better preaching than practicing. I am not really on the level of the priest that gets caught with an alter-boy but I am surely not living the life I thought I was.
I WILL do better. I HAVE to do better.
I went for my first jog in a couple months last night (at 10:30pm and despite the comment from my W that I should start these things sooner (to which I snapped "That's my problem, I have been waiting for the right time to workout and there will NEVER be a right time so..." She made a zipping gesture over her lips and that was that.
I REALLY enjoyed my run and think I will be able to keep it up...let's hope I can anyway!
