Yea, this came up when I actually made a little passive/agressive comment the other day. She was questioning my not answering MY phone (ironic, isn't it?) and I said something to the effect "You know if I wanted to not talk to you, I could just block you from calling me." She responded with "Yes, I know you can...now." This was two days after the convo where she said he tried to contact her again and she said it with a "knowing" smile. She had already said he would not be a problem anymore so I guess I filled in the gap.
I believe she blocked him but I guess I don't know for sure. I could ask but I really don't find it to be an issue. I don't think he's what's causing my anger, but like I said OT, I'll scream my a$$ off in my car today on the way home, lol. Anyway, I just need to focus on my/our stuff right now. Until THAT particular issue becomes a problem again, I will deal with it then.
The bottom line is that whenever she's mentioned him for the past few months (and that has been all of about twice), it's been with either fear, disgust or apathy. It's not like she seems hung up on him or anything. It seems like he's tried to contact her a few times, maybe more than a few times and she's tired of it.
I don't really have any worries in that department. As I said before, if she is still doing something behind my back, she's learned a WHOLE lot more about how to do it on the "sly" than before because there is no evidence of it this time.
Onward and upward. Thanks for the help today OT, Ali, TL and Mama (did I leave anyone out?).
Well, uh, I'd be pretty pissed if I were you about that whole exchange. I guess it wasn't the kind of closure generating decisive step that I took you to mean. And, I'd caution you about filling in the blanks...
Why can't she tell you directly about blocking the calls? Why can't you ask her directly? "W, the other day, I guess I assumed that you meant you had blocked OMs calls, but for some reason I was afraid to ask."
Then, give her a chance to talk... If she did, you might want to let her know how strong that was of her and how much you appreciate her strength for doing it and how much it means to you that she's taken such a decisive step...
Just my 2 cents, your emotion on this whole thing seems a little flat -- perhaps it is acceptance, perhaps it really is avoidance of dealing with the feeling of having a knife thrown in your back again...
Guess maybe I'm backtracking on my backtracking... But, in a sense, it doesn't matter. You have figured out what matters -- getting to the source of the anger -- and I expect you'll tackle that problem well :-)
Thanks OT. I was NOT flat about this when I found out about it. I think I vented plenty. I didn't do it here, but I did it in the "real world". We talked about it, I got away and thought, got angry, etc.
Quote: Well, uh, I'd be pretty pissed if I were you about that whole exchange. I guess it wasn't the kind of closure generating decisive step that I took you to mean. And, I'd caution you about filling in the blanks...
I guess. I know I make excuses for my W, and so why stop now. She isn't the most direct person in the world, ESPECIALLY when it comes to this subject. The good news, from my perspective, is that she seems VERY transparant about it. I can pretty much tell what's going on with her, and her "telling me" she blocked him was her way. It's not as direct as I guess it could be...
Quote: Why can't she tell you directly about blocking the calls? Why can't you ask her directly? "W, the other day, I guess I assumed that you meant you had blocked OMs calls, but for some reason I was afraid to ask."
I guess this is just me being comfortable/believing enough in that little exchange not to pursue it any more. I thought I had my answer. Maybe now I realize I don't, but that's only because you brought it up and I thought about it.
Quote: Then, give her a chance to talk... If she did, you might want to let her know how strong that was of her and how much you appreciate her strength for doing it and how much it means to you that she's taken such a decisive step...
Maybe she needs this. I did tell her that I appreciated her doing what she needed to do to get him gone. She said he was and she was glad. Hell, I see now how much conjecture and projection went into that. I filled in the blanks, didn't even bother to ask her what she "did" and then thanked her for something that may not have even happened.
Whew...now that I got all THAT out, I STILL don't think it's an issue. Until today, until now, I had put that behind me/us. I am digging, trying to see if it's lurking under the surface, somehow causing this anger I have been feeling, but I just don't think so.
Well, the analogy of the "honeymoon" being over is about right. Things are not bad, actually just settling into "normal" again and that's not all bad. I am still not ever going to settle for complacency again, but since we are still both talking about moving onward and upward (planning some more traveling, etc) I am ok with how things are.
Since the semi-rough patch last week, it's been pretty ok. No MLing this week but that was to be expected (not that I didn't try mind you). We have been going non-stop getting ready for the Christmas party we had on Saturday night and both of us were tired. Actually on Saturday night, W initiated but ended up falling asleep from sheer fatigue (didn't take it personally). I don't think her heart was in it anyway, I just think she knew it had been awhile and was trying to "make it up to me" somehow. I think I understood this and didn't really buy into it that much. I was happy to help her get to sleep, offering to continue in the morning, which didn't happen, but really made her smile.
Now, it is, well, the natural no-ML time, so there will be none for awhile. That's probably a good thing.
Other than that, things have gone well. We've had our ups and downs, little spats here and there, but the thing that I like is that those spats don't linger anymore. It used to be that once one of us got in a mood, or when we had any kind of conflict, it would carry over for hours, sometimes a day or more. Now, we seem to get it out and move on.
I like to think that's mainly due to me being able to let it go. I never used to do that. I used to beat everything to death, rehashing it until there was literally nothing more to discuss. Now I have learned to recognize that pattern and when I do, I try to stop myself from doing it. I have been pretty successful so far.
Quote: Now, it is, well, the natural no-ML time, so there will be none for awhile. That's probably a good thing.
Um, to put it bluntly, I doubt OM felt that there was such a "natural" time to practice celibacy. If you or W are uncomfortable with vaginal-penile intercourse during menstruation, there are plenty of other sexual activities that can be undertaken. Indeed, it is a good excuse to practice them, and there is nothing better for cramps than a good O and many women actually have stronger Os during periods. If your fingers don't work, time to invest in a decent toy for outside use.
Wow. Nothing like being direct. Well, if you need to be graphic, it's not me that has the problem, it's her. I have no real issues in that department (all mine are in other departments, I can provide a map if you'd like, lol). She usually doesn't feel in the mood. We have talked about it, and we have even done it a few times in our marriage but with all the added stress of the holidays and such, I don't see this as the time we explore it. We even talked about it last night and she told me directly that's how she feels. She is feeling particularly miserable right now, between her period and a cold that set in yesterday.
As for all the stuff, I assure you I/my W am in possession of, and have good working knowledge of those items, lol.
Wow.
Did I mention wow?
I don't really think you need to worry about our conversation in this regard anymore. We are pretty open about it. My hesitation to be direct and blunt are pretty much reserved for the board, trying to spare everyone.
And, criminy, almost every woman on the planet between 15 and 45 has a period once a month. Lucky for you or you wouldn't EXIST. So, I guess it is a bit of a sore spot with me that it is UNMENTIONABLE, and that women are subtly still treated as unclean and disgusting because they, gasp, shed the lining of the uterus monthly. Even worse is that this is just another societal issue that cramps a woman's sex life. (Pun, accidental, but recognized )
Anyway, back to you and your SL, lol. It sounds like you are NOT part of the problem, which is most excellent. However, I have to wonder just a bit how true what she says is versus how much it is what she feels she must say. For instance, just like maybe W used to think she had to be a good girl during sex, she may feel strongly that she has to be grossed out by sexual activity during her period. The first doesn't have to be true, nor does the second. Indeed, like I said, a good O could really make her feel better during her period. (Yes, women talk about these things sometimes and agree...)
Still, if she finds such things icky, not much you can do about it. Still, no reason your R can't continue to benefit from physical intimacy. She can always, ahem, lend you a hand or ... and may be happy to do so if you ask her for a little help because she is driving you crazy with lust... You seem to have the passion w/o neediness thing down pretty well, so it might be something that actually is good for you both. The intimacy is still loving and good for you, W, and your R even if it is a bit one-sided. Things can always be a bit one-sided the other direction some other time, lol.
Enough, like I said, this is just something that bothers me in general because it is part of the bad messages and mindsets going around that really undermine the healthy sexuality of women. But, in your particular case, it seems as though you have addressed it positively and openly, which is great.
I'm with OT. I say it's high time you two invested in some body-sized red towels. You are missing out my friend, REALLY missing out. Maybe she's not in the mood on the first day or two of her cycle, but that probably is not the case for her entire cycle. Oh, and not only is ML good for cramps, it's also good for fighting a cold--it really does boost the immune system.
Quote: We've had our ups and downs, little spats here and there, but the thing that I like is that those spats don't linger anymore. It used to be that once one of us got in a mood, or when we had any kind of conflict, it would carry over for hours, sometimes a day or more. Now, we seem to get it out and move on.
I like to think that's mainly due to me being able to let it go.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Yesterday my H and I got into a stupid argument that in the past could easily have carried over to the next day. Instead he apologized for yelling and I apologized for pushing him to do something he didn't want to do. So with us both learning to let go and not be right or wrong we ended up having a nice evening together.
I think this goes hand in hand with letting go of certain expectations and being OK when things don't go exactly according to plan.
Nice. I never knew it was such a...er...sore subject.
OT/SS, this idea of sex during that time is, I think as OT suggested, only "off the table" because it's "supposed to be" according to conventional wisdom. I think we both assume a lot. In truth, I only know what my W has SAID. I also know that a lot of times she isn't feeling up to doing much that time of month, but there has been times when we did indulge and I think she liked it.
I think we can safely put this to rest...lol.
I will probably talk to her about it. Hell, in this new era of being more open, I may be surprised to hear what she has to say.
Don't talk. Please, don't talk. By talking, you are assuming it is something "dirty" that must be discussed. How would you like it if she said, "Honey, I just want to let you know that I don't mind having sex if you are really smelly and sweaty in the crotch area. It really isn't too gross. So, is that something that you are into that I just didn't know about?"
Ask for her assistance with your own O and then make your move. And while I agree with the towel comment, you may want to put penetration to the side until things are going really well (which could be right away, who knows).
comment the other day. She was questioning my not answering MY phone (ironic, isn't it?) and I said something to the effect "You know if I wanted to not talk to you, I could just block you from calling me." She responded with "Yes, I know you can...now." This was two days after the convo where she said he tried to contact her again and she said it with a "knowing" smile. 
)