Things are still pretty good

[grasshopper]

Thanks OT. Should have known you would be out there with big stick in hand. I needed that fur sure.

So what if you are in a bad mood sometimes? Just like you, your W needs to learn to detach from this and not reflect it or personalize it. Just like you, your W needs to make some changes and do some personal growth.

Yep. I agree. She has gotten better at this, but obviously doesn't have the "training" or terminology for it. I actually addressed this with her last night. (I didn't really get into detail about the things we said but I will now). When she said how she gets so stressed about my moods and trying to make sure things go "just right" for me, I told her that just like me having to learn that her being upset isn't always a result of me or something I did, she needs to learn that sometimes I need to just get my mood out of my system and not to fix me. I told her it was NOT about her over the past few weeks and NOT her fault things just didn't work out that I wanted to do. I may have taken it out on her and the kids and I was wrong for that but she could have just called me on that, directly, when it was happening...and I pointed out that the few times she did, I pretty much immediately snapped out of it. I asked her to just be direct with me instead of keeping it all bottled up.

She started to say how I used to get defensive when she did that...and I asked her if I got defensive recently when she called me on my "$hit". She tried to say yes but backed off. She agreed that it was much better than it used to be.

It is B.S. that you have not changed and you both know that. Call her on such extreme unhelpful B.S.: "W, I'm very sorry that you feel that way. I'm somewhat at a loss -- I know I have changed hugely, even though I am not always perfect and I still have a lot to work on. But, when you say that I have not changed at all, I feel unappreciated, blah blah blah..."

Actually OT, I did say somewhat this very thing to her. She listened but I don't think she agreed, and as I said, when it comes to the specific things she was mainly talking about (moodiness ALL the time and anger towards the kids) she was right. That said, for her to say I have not changed at all was wrong and I called her on that. She backed off on the blanket statement and instead focused on these two areas.

W needs to stop managing your feelings, and you need to stop managing hers.

You really helped me understand this and I think I began to weave it into my life until I stopped weaving. The tapestry is unfinished and that's on me. If anything, I have really stopped detaching, started trying to "manage" again and I think that may be why I am moody again. I am mirroring and if not that, I am reacting to every little sitch, every little emotion anyone in my family has. It's not good and I need to stop.

Also, and this is a big also, you need to quit assuming the role of sole-fix-it guy in the M. Why not say to W: "W, thanks so much for helping me see where I still have some work to do. It is so easy to fall back into old patterns. Can we work together to try to create new ways of doing things and living? What ideas do you have about how we can change the household dynamics?"

Again, I did say something like this to W but it was more about S6's behavior and a little about mine. In short, I told her I thought we really needed to work more together, talk MUCH more about these issues so that they don't boil over again. She agreed.

When the convo was over, we both felt ok. When she came to bed. She snuggled up to me and I raised up, leaned over her and gave her a kiss. She smiled. We fell asleep holding each other.

Things are still ok, I guess I am just a perfectionist.

I know I have work to do, WE have work to do and I will get done. I am committed to that, and I think my W is too, especially after last night.

Remember, you are *partners*. Acknowledge the problem -- get clear about what it really is, when it arises, what triggers it, etc... Brainstorm together about solutions.

Yep. We need to do MUCH better at the partner part when it comes to problem solving. Thank you for pointing this out. We act more like two individuals trying to solve the issues apart rather than together.

Now, as for taking things out on your kids, WTH are you to use them as your emotional punching bag when you need release? Maybe you can literally get a real punching bag and hang it up in the basement for such times (not being sarcastic). What are some other alternatives that are quick, easy, and readily available for when you feel your temper rising? This is definitely a good, identifiable project for C.

Actually, it was THE major project for my C when I was seeing her. Sure, the marriage stuff got me there, but it became clear to C that my anger and intimacy issues needed to be addressed, in that order. We spent a long time working on anger management, etc. Maybe it's time to make a return to C because I HATE when I take things out on the kids. Sure, it's only yelling and general anger but I know that takes it's toll on them. It's showing and I don't like it one bit.

"W, the words "always" and "never" seldom apply to the dynamics of our R, and especially with what we are going through now. It would really help me be less defensive and help our dialogue in general if we both try to avoid using them. This will really help our communication be more productive."

Love this and will try to incorporate it next time we talk.

Thanks again OT. I know you have your hands full with shortimer and all. I appreciate your wisdom, especially right now.

GH