P.S. The "what" of what is triggering these less than desirable patterns of behavior on your part is very important. My guess is that you are acting out anger toward your W somewhat passive/aggressively, anger that you don't even want to face. For instance, didn't you say she was in contact with OM again? Did you ever even acknowledge to yourself how angry that made you? Have you done anything to address it? Has anything happened in your M toward making progress that it won't happen again? If not, methinks it is time for you to be the invisible listener on a phone call she has to OM telling him in no uncertain terms that she will construe any further contact as harassment. It is time for her to step up make some changes that will improve the M as well, rather than to merely say what is not working for her -- patterns in which she is one of the two people both of whom must participate in the actions represented in that pattern for them to continue to occur.
For instance, if you are a crab with the kids, she can simply say: "Honey, you are being a crab with the kids, please take it out on something else someplace else. Maybe we can make progress on whatever it is that has crawled up your butt a bit later."
Again, it takes two to tango. As long as she keeps inviting you to dance, or you both kind of start swaying to the music without thinking, you are bound to slip up sometimes. Not an excuse, just a fact of imperfect human beings. Sure, it is something to work on, but being perfect would make life pretty empty, I think.
