Got a major slap down from my W last night. Things were going along ok. We were cleaning the house for a X-mas party we're having this weekend. I had my iPod on and was in my "mode" to get things done. My W perceived this as a "mood" since I rarely put the "pod" on and jam out around the house. She thought I was upset over having to clean or something.
Anyway, she started a convo by laying into me about this supposed "mood". I calmly told her she was wrong about that and I was happy to be getting things done. I said it with a genuine smile and no defensiveness...but that was not all she had to say. I guess that was her doorway to getting some things off her chest.
Basically, in a nutshell, she said I had not changed at all. She said that I was still VERY angry with the kids, yelling all the time, and got into pissy, passive/aggressive moods when things didn't go my way, especially on the weekends.
I did get a bit defensive but that evaporated quickly...when I realize she was right. I told her I would work to change that, and it was going to change starting "right now". She even got upset at that, saying I do that all the time too, making promises or acting like I can just wave a magic wand and make everything better.
I didn't do a great job in this convo validating her. In the end, we talked a lot about S6 whose behaviour has taken a big turn for the worse. We think my constant yelling and lack of time spent with him may be contributing to this. I really think it's true.
I hate that I have gone back to this, and just how quickly it happened.
The worst part was that we talked a LOT about expectations. She said I have expectations about EVERYTHING and especially when it comes to things I want to do. She said it puts constant pressure on her to make sure that whatever I expect to happen, happens or else she gets a bad mood, ruined days and lots of anger towards the kids.
Dammit, she's 100% right. F--k me! I sit here and give all this advice to you all and I can't even live my own words. I am ashamed to say the least. I feel like I really let myself down, and my W. Especially my kids. I have been treating them with less than the love they deserve and the worst part about it is that things have never been better in terms of my marriage. WTH????
I am really going to work harder than I ever have to curb this behavior. I need to do as I tell people here all the time, and STOP BUILDING EXPECTATIONS!!!
Life over the past week or so has really felt like it used to feel, before all this, before all the "good" stuff that happened as a result of all this. In short, it felt like my "old marriage" and I guess that feeling was not limited to me.
I really hate this, as much because of what I allowed to happen as that the way it came out was the same as it used to be, late at night, in a tear-filled convo initiated by my W.
Yes, it's good she came out and said something, but I really wish she'd done it a week or two ago. I really thought I had this stuff under control. I feel like an alcoholic that thought one drink wouldn't hurt...I guess this fight against anger and expectation is going to be life-long.
