Ok Mama, you locked up my last thread so I will respond here (since yours is locked too).
Running said some things that really hit home, but in reverse.
Quote: Have you ever expressed yourself sexually in a desperate or needy way? I'm trying to imagine what that would look like. I know this can be difficult because I do remember before the divorce wanting to be desired by my husband, but not having his interest and not knowing how to inspire it. I remember buying some sexy things, but feeling much too intimidated to wear them or feeling silly about the whole thing. That's probably what you mean by desperate. I can understand that.
I think this sums up my W's experience to a "T". She never felt comfortable BEING sexual/sexy even though she got plenty of attention and compliments from me and most other men she's met.
Quote: Unfortunately, the only way I got to this point was divorce. And sadly that's how I've noticed other women getting to this too. Sometimes it's these life changing experiences that allow us to grow in unexpected ways.
And for my W, it was her affair that was the life changing thing that made her realize not only was she "sexual" but she needed that from her marriage if she was going to stay married. From there, she was a LOT more expressive and dropped the whole "I can't wear THAT to bed", or "I can't DO that, or ask HIM to do that to me". It must feel extremely liberating for my W to finally be able to just "be" in a way that gets her what she wants...I'm just glad it's me giving it to her.
Quote: Sadly, it wasn't my husband that made me feel desired, but going out with girlfriends during my divorce, actually looking at other men (I'm oblivious to them during marriage!), and finally realizing that other men found me attractive and sexy that made me feel this way.
Again, as I have said, I would not take back this past year even if I could, it this is one of the reasons. In some twisted way, OM actually did me a favor by waking something up in my W that had little to do with him and everything to do with HER desire to be satisfied. Once that was awakened and we started to be able to communicate better...BAM, things were 1000% different.
Mama, she's right, you have to take what seems like a risk to be what you want. It's not foolish, silly or anything else be sexy/sexual. I think you suffer from the same lack of confidence that your H sees you as sexy/sexual but IMHO, that is really projection from you onto him. YOU don't see yourself that way and it's because you're waiting for him to tell you that you are. Stop waiting. You are what you make of yourself, or in this case, what you allow yourself to express.
I guess I am saying to you what OT said to me countless times. Pin him to the wall, kiss him harder than he's ever been kissed before then take him to the bedroom and f--k the crap out of him. If, anywhere along the way, he balks at that, just keep walking...um...do that to yourself and try again the next day.
The point is that you now understand what you want and it's time to go get it!
