I'm sure a lot of you will agree that I am probably nuts after reading this! First let me say that I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to even think my H has been in touch with the XOW in anyway in over a year! Things have been wonderful and we are both happy and our R is strong. I am trying to keep my thoughts to myself and not say anything to my H because it would cause him to be hurt and I'm sure angry.
The last time I had these crazy thoughts was the first of July (it was "her" birthday..why I remembered that Lord only knows!). I wondered if my H remembered it was her birthday and if he had sent her a card like the year before (when he had promised not to have contact with her but had been since the A ended). I gave myself a stern talking to and told myself that if he hadn't been thinking of her or remembered her birthday,all I would do by asking him if he'd been in touch with her would be to make him think about her and I sure didn't want that!! So I kept my mouth shut and quietly "obcessed" for the day and then by the next day I was fine again!
Now as for what has put my brain into overdrive again.....
My H and I were reading the paper this morning and I was reading about the severe weather caused by the hurricane in certain areas. Well,one of the hard hit areas happens to be where "she" lives. He was checking out the forecast here and I was reading about other places. I honestly didn't think about "her" at first. I was thinking about this place on the coast where we go and have such a great time. I mentioned to him that I really hoped that "our place" would be ok. He told me not to worry..that he was sure that everything would be ok and by Feb. we'd still be able to go there for our anniversary. I started reading to him about what they were predicting and how they had imposed a curfew and stuff. I looked up at him and he was staring into space. Yep,you guessed it my nutty brain went crazy with weird thoughts!! I feel like an idiot now but couldn't seem to help myself!! I wondered if he was thinking about "her" and worrying about if she and her family was ok. I wondered if he'd email her when he got to work to check on her. I told you I was having crazy thoughts!! I bit my tongue and kept my thoughts to myself. When he left I rode my exercise bike like a fiend trying to get the thoughts out of my head. I have asked myself..."so what if he does..will it really be that big of a deal?" I suppose some of you are asking the same question. But here's the deal...He promised me over a year ago when I caught him still emailing her that it would end right then and there and he would never ever be in touch with her again and if he heard from her he'd tell me. Now if he does even send a simple email asking how she is it would be a promise broken and if he didn't tell me it would be like lying to me. I understand that it would be hard for him to come to me and say "I feel that I just need to ask if they are all ok" and it would probably tick me off but at least he'd be being honest with me. Also if he did get in touch,she might see it as an "opening to try and get back with him" or a sign that he "cares for her still".
My question is how do I stop myself from obcessing about this? I really don't have any reason to believe he has or will get in touch with her. I rarely ever think about "is he contacting her" anymore and have really been doing so good! Is it just my brain still not being able to completely and totally trust? My heart tells me I am just being an idiot and that I can trust him. I feel like an idiot afterwards and I am always so glad that I didn't say anything to my H!
Thanks for listening!! I guess I just needed to get it out of my system!! Needed to tell someone who understands where I am coming from and what I am going through. Also it helped so much to come here instead of saying something to my H. I feel better already!! PAT