Let me start off by saying I went over to the "I'm thinking about leaving" board read a couple of posts over there and I could completely relate to some of the posts over there. Thier spouses don't respect or appreciate them at all, that is a big problem with me. Before H had is affair there were occations that I thought about packing up a leaving everything behind and not turning back, but the only place that really works is the movies, reality set in a I stayed. So why I stayed with him after the affair, I had an out no question. I have always felt like a failure, never able to accomplish anything (thanks to H) so I thought if I can make this work I will have accomplished somthing huge, I got him back. Part of me was scared to responsible for me and no one else, scared of what the family will think, cousin screwed around on his wife and they crucified him behind his back. I have told H that I thought that he would have put more effort into our relationship, I told him what I want, knowing that he is not a mind reader, but he just blows things off because they are not important. Before last X-mas we as a family did not have a vaction, our D was 10. H races most of the summer so to find a weekend then is impossible, if he is not racing he is fixing the car for the next race or is working on getting one ready so when the other is trashed it is ready to drop the motor and trany in and off again. Don't get me wrong I actually like helping him on the car and going to the races but it just consumes so much time. Then when winter comes along he bowls so there are tournaments alot on the weekends too. I have started bowling not the best at it but that too has become a very frustrating thing for me. He is a very good bowler but me with my 128 average, I want to get better and I am willing to practice but H will not come to the bowling alley with me so I know what I am doing right or wrong. The only time that there is any coaching going on is in the league that we bowl in, OH and he is a very competitive person, hates to loose. He gets so nasty with me when I start to do something wrong, like my approach is too fast or I don't keep my arm straight. He has told me that he made the OW the bowler that she is today, about a 165 average, which pi$$es me off, I think why don't you help me the way that you helped her, she was worth it why am I not. Everyone on the team sees what he does to me and tries to help by telling me when I do do something right so I feel better about my self but why can't H do that for me.
OK sorry about that I just needed to get some of that off my chest.
Now on to what happened when I went over to my friends house to talk about the sitch that happened last weekend. We talked about it and I feel that he will be able to keep his distance but that is something that I will have to control too. He said that he would not stop asking me to do things but would understand if I had plans with H. I can control what I do with him and stop all private contact with him. We talked the WHAT IF'S that I was starting to have, and he told me that if I didn't want it to happen it would not have, damn free will we have. But I did come away from our converstion with a better understanding where he is at with all of this. He was disappointed that I was going to stay with H but I told him that is what I need to do for now, I am not ready to make that decision yet. I talked about how I thought we were above reality right now and what will happen when the two worlds collide, I know it won't be pretty. My H does not deserve any of the pain that I went through when H was having his affair.
I hope that this post has opened some eyes to my world, I did say that things were good with H and I but H just does not get it some times.
