It is actually my cousin with whom I am close. She confided in me last night and I am not sure if I said the right thing. She has met someone at work and now has decided that she is not in love anymore. I doubt she ever loved her H--they got married when she discovered she was pregnant.
In a nutshell, here's what I said to her: Every M is difficult and goes thru periods where one or both of the parties isn't sure they are still in love. Quit your job. Life would NOT be greener with OM; it would be a fudged up mess of swapping kids and downsizing from your 4000 sq ft house with acreage and a pool to an apartment. In the meantime, OM would be long gone (he is 35 and a swingin bachelor who has a history of failed engagements and she can't figure out WHY, cause he's so great--great big groan). Quit your job. Spend more time with H, alone. Find things that you both enjoy doing and do them. Quit your job. Have sex with him. (she admitted that this--more than anything else--softened her heart towards him) <however NOP I did not ask if she was having sex with OM and so maybe that advice was not that hot, eh> Make a decision to be happy with what you have. She said she's always looking for the next Thing that will make her happy and I said, You realize that's a choice, right? She replied, Yes I guess you are right. And, finally, quit your job.
Ai yi yi.
I love her but I don't know what to say. Obviously I can't be my usual self and lay it all out there or she will fling herself in this jackass's arms. I'm trying to walk the line and be careful to talk sense while not condemning.
I had been watching her children for her while she went to work since June. In late October I quit and told her to find someone else. I suspected she was carrying on with a co-worker and I will NOT play any part in that whatsoever. I did not tell her why I was quitting, only that I was doing it for the benefit of my own family life. Which means, of course, that it was making me sick to watch her doll herself up to go to "work" while I was doing the grunt work of raising her kids. Screw that.
Anyway, if you have any good things to say to her, let me know. She was shocked as could be to find that H and I had ever had problems. I told her *everybody* does. Marriage is freakin hard, whether you choose your spouse or not. This seemed to relieve her.
Now, for a mini-update: H and I are really doing well. I'm changing...letting him in more than I have for years. I even initiated sex for the first time in over a year--he was shocked and so was I. It's not perfect but it's better than it's been in a loooong time. I have a longing for him that transcends the physical and I can't remember the last time I felt that. It's a body and soul longing. I am still a little standoffish and he straight up asked me about that, which shocked me. So I'm working on my stuff. I would assume he is too. All in all, I feel so good about where we are at and the good things to come.
