New thread, better attitude, finally cleared the air. Just got done with some long OR talks. I was sensing some repeating behaviors from the pre-bomb days so being a confrontational S.O.B. I asked her what is going on. I want her to be able to be open with me. Her comments were right on with what the wisest of DBers suggest. She admits to getting off track and seriously questioning OR but claims to have seen the light and now realizes that our M is what she wants. She said that I need to put it behind me like she did with my behavior. Neither of us can go back to the way it was and agreed to work very hard to maintain our changes. By the way I have heard ILY several times in the past weeks. These OR talks put me over the top. I always am far too open and honest with her regarding my feelings but that is how I am built. She is polar opposite and that is why we don't communicate very well. Luckily we have an effect on each other and make each other better people simply by melding our behaviors. It feels good to get this off of my chest finally. I still have a lot of work to do on me but now I feel I can better focus on that. She seems to be working on herself as well so I see very good things in our future. We have the world by the tail but were our own worst enemies. We are now starting to truly pull together so the pull will be easier.
I will still linger here and jump in where I can provide help but my wounds are still fresh so I can't take too much of this BB at one time. I realize I went at this whole process far too head on but I was tired of dancing. It felt like I was "acting" my way through my M at a time when we can be more genuine to each other.
We are having a huge party on Saturday for about 150 people and have been burning the candle at both ends to get ready. That has been a little tough on the R but at least we work well together. We love to entertain and have a lot of fun friends. We are praying for good weather so we can do some outside activities. The basement is now finished and turned out far better than expected. Of course we spent more money than we expected too. Our friends and her MIL are still living with us until their house is finished (1 more month). They are phenomonal house guests and very helpful but it will be nice to have our home back to ourselves. You can now see what a crazy life I lead and why this BB has not been a priority. I may have to change my name to "the lurker". Good luck to everyone and I will be watching the action from a distance.
Tbone, I have been wondering how you were doing ... hoping that no news was good news!
Each time you post I am awed at the parallels between our two sitchs. Have you read thru Michelle's DR again recently? I found that I skipped alot there when I first read it because I was the only one working on M at the time, but when you achieve the level where both are working at it, there are more DBing techniques that can be used like ... "Asking for what you want..." that can quicken the mending. When my W first said she wants to work on M, I too, felt we weren't quite there as a team yet. Improving communications in general has been a key in bringing us closer together lately and W is opening up more and more.
I know this BB seems to get to ya from time to time, but I want to let ya know I am very grateful you were here and you have help me out tremendously at the very time I needed it the most. Thanks again and you will always be the man ...
Just a few thoughts to let you know that I haven't deserted the BB. I am like the big brother watching and wishing you all the best. I am short on time but I wanted to pass these thoughts along as I think they pertain to most of us. DON'T PUSH, DON'T ASK, DON'T PURSUE!!!!!
I started this a while ago in my R and it almost caused a backslide. I have always been very lucky in that my pushing followed my backing way off does very good things for our R. The key is the backing off. Many of you have been pushing to try and satisfy your needs for more progress. From where I am sitting it is not working. The advice I got is why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. This concept has helped my attitude greatly. I love my W but if she doesn't want me why would I want to be with her. It is a great place to be. Most times we are our own worst enemies (Rachel, read the following closely). Our short term goals tend to contradict our long term goals. Keep your vision long term. What can I do today to help my long term sitch? Z and Andy are prime examples of this in action. Don't let your "needs" today destroy your long term goals. I am as guilty of this as the next person but I am working very hard on this right now.
Our M is going very well recently but we both still have progress to make. We are building our friendship back and that is causing good things to happen. We talk more and respect is building too.
I have been watching from a distance and am seeing such similarities it is scary. We all need to work more on us and let our S find their own way. Most of us have made requests and tried to push the R forward so now sit back and see what happens. While doing that, don't "expect" anything other than the results will be better than trying to "make" them stay with you or come back to you. Good luck to all of you and don't give up the fight.
Good to hear from you! I have stopped pushing Tbone, but he is just not responding in any way other than negative-he's so angry and I have done nothing to deserve his anger. He says he feels trapped, but he can't say why. How do you improve on that which you don't know?? For awhile it seemed he was interested and was treating me good and I thought we were headed in the right direction and I did not start doing anything different but his attitude changed for some reason. He stopped calling me,stopped saying ILY except when I said it first. He is definately a moving target and I don't know what to do except nothing. Let him be. Leave him alone. I initiate sex and he does not seem to mind that and seems to enjoy it very much but he also says I "use" it as a weapon. The man used to do NOTHING but complain that he did not get eonough sex. Now that he is he turns the tables completely around and I don't know what he wants from me. I initiate it becasue I love him and want to be close to him. Its uncanny how he changes, and I'm at a loss and scared of what he'll do or say next.I have backed off-I don't call him during the day which he told me to do, I don;t ask what time he;ll be home. These are new things I am trying. Before he said he understood why I needed those things. Well, it seems he stopped understanding. Racahel
Tbone- what great wisdom. I have been feeling like I should maybe be pursuing a talk each day, anything to see instant responses. I now know that what I am doing (or not doing) may be what our m needs right now. No r talks, not forcing anything physical, just going about each day as usual.It does not seem to have set us back, and small signs have appeared the past few months. Good luck on your constant journey Sue
Anyone who wants proof of why we need to just let things happen just go visit Rachel's thread. I feel bad for her but I saw this coming two months ago. Make your M a great place to be. Make it so your S (or anybody else for that matter) wants to be with you. I think we forget how to "date" and be attractive. Any of you that are new to this board also need to follow Zebra's advice. He is accurate, honest, and understandable. Many C could only dream of being this.
I hope everyone is doing well but I am going quiet again to keep my perspective. Too much time on this BB can be counter productive. It makes me think very negatively about my R. Good luck to all, please take care of yourselves and enjoy life because it is so short.
t-bone, I never thought that maybe being here so much can make you wonder and work too hard. I sometmes obsess that I have to post everyday. I too, feel bad for Rachel, but I think she needs more help then we can offer. Hope to hear from you in the future. Sue
