Astime - you are NOT damaged goods, you just have a little more healing to do.
Be honest with her, let her know that you still have some healing to do and can't commit to a serious relationship at this time. If she doesn't respond well to that, then you know it wasn't meant to be. Personally, I would be thrilled to have a man say that to do, at least I would know he was being honest (something we have all lacked in our relationships right?)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Quote: I've forgiven, my anger and resentment are tempered, and I've accepted my circumstances. So what else do I have to do?
Hey guy, you do need to face your demon. And though I'm not facing dating again right now, I think that overcoming the fear of rejection would involve the same processes you've employed to get through this entire ordeal.
Keep working on you. Not so much externally as internally. Love yourself, feed your positive traits, honor and develop all the great things about you. That will bring self-confidence and a peace that no rejection can obliterate.
I talked to OW tonight and took all your guy's advice. I told her that her friendship and company were very important to me, but that I couldn't give her what I thought she was looking for right now, a committed relationship.
I told her I was still healing and repairing the affects from the breakup of my M and that I wanted to go extremely slow with any future relationship. I told her this process could probably take years. I told her I would understand if she wanted to move on and not see me anymore.
She told me she felt very comfortable around me and has a good time when she's with me. She told me she understood because She was in the same boat when her H left her. She told me she wasn't going to stop seeing me and that she didn't want me to feel pressured. She told me she's comfortable and satisfied with the way things are between us now.
I think she was relieved that I finally was honest about my feelings for her. She told me she was usually very good at "figuring" a Man out, but that I had presented her with a challenge. She thanked me for being honest and for not "playing games" with her.
This want better than I thought. I knew She would be understanding, but I didn't expect her to continue seeing me. I guess I had her pegged wrong (like that hasn't happened before).
Thanks for the good advice!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
W is giving me subtle suggestions that She is interested in a reconciliation with me. I have very strong reservations about this for several reasons.
I've been burned in the past from her giving me hope, than dashing it and going back into the "cold chill" mode. I'm just plain tired of this behavior from her and I'm not biting on it with as much enthusiasm as I did in the past. It always seems to happen around her period. She gets very clingy, calls me up crying how lonely she is and that she needs my company. I think she uses me as a emotional hanky when she's feeling down, then tosses me to the side again once she's gotten it off her chest. It's really a twisted situation because I can't distinguish between her being lonely for me and our marriage or for OM who is in prison.
Another reason I can't trust any of her intentions is because of her behavior over my OW. She told me a long time ago to move on and I stayed faithful to her for a long period of time afterwards hoping she would change her mind. After so long, I gave up waiting and hurting over her. I truly moved on. She's the first to admit that it was her wish for me to move on, that she didn't want to hurt me. Now that this OW is in my life, she's telling me we can't get back together as long as I'm in a relationship with another W (WTF?). When I ask her if she's asking to reconcile with me, She says she doesn't know, but that it couldn't happen if I was with OW. I'm very confused over what she is telling me. I think she was thinking I should wait and not date anyone until her OM was released from prison. This is just plain wrong and I think She's trying to manipulate and/or use me. She doesn't like the ideal of me with OW, but on the other hand, she won't commit to restoring our marriage.
W is starting to notice her financial limitations and I think she's missing her previous standard of living with me. She may be starting to panic over this and this may be another reason she's taking a second look at me. In no way will I ever go back to her just to be a bank roll for her. I've told her this and said the only way I would consider reconciliation is if she had genuine feelings for me. I told her it wouldn't be fair to her or me to come back to me for the wrong reasons. I don't want to go through this pain ever again. She seemed to understand and agree with this position which confuses her even more.
I don't know if I'm loosing faith or hope, but sometimes I think once a Woman looses her love or attraction to you, that it's probably gone for good and you should just move on. I know that may sound discouraging to some LB husbands out there, but I can't help but think that's the rule rather than the exception.
Is my fear of a repeated rejection from her a valid reason to rule out a reconciliation? Am I wrong for thinking She could never love me again? Will I ever be able to move on in peace without always second guessing myself?
She wants me to break it off with the OW, but I think it's for very selfish reasons. Since I've been with OW, she's showing very strong interest in me where before she wouldn't give me the time of day. I already told OW that I couldn't commit or offer promises, but I know she would be hurt if I broke it off totally from her. I have strong doubts that if I were to do that, it would make a difference in how WAW feels about me. I don't think it's fair to OW or me to do that based on W's emotional and mental confusion.
W said she's noticed a change in me since OW and she's right. She's loosing the ability to affect my emotions and actions and I think this is starting to concern her but I can't figure out what those concerns are. Is it a control issue? Could she honestly be having second thoughts about me? Is she just afraid she will loose her emotional hanky?
It's giving me a headache trying to figure this out!!!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
From my own personal experience, I think you are wrong in thinking your W can never love you again.
When I was in the midst of my EA, I thought I was not in love with my H anymore. But I was not willing to give him up for the OM when the OM asked. I was not sure why, but I couldn't. Now 2 years later, after understanding my own actions and the characteristics of an A, I understand I was just confused. I was not in love with the OM. I was just fulfilling a need that was lacking from my relationship with H. Your W will need to realize this.
Now whenever I see my H, I have an overwhelming sense of newfound love for him. A love I have not felt for many years.
Is she aware that if she does reconcile with you, things will be different? If not, that may be why she is hesitant to do so.
This EA she is in may be a little more complicated than yours was because she is seeing a OM in prison that she was once engaged to. It isn't just OM, it's somebody she loved at one time. He's been in prison for 15 years and she started seeing/writing/talking to him in 2005.
The issues she claims she had with me became amplified to the point of exaggeration. I believe in her mind, this was justification for her to see OM without feeling guilty for walking away from me. Still to this day she doesn't accept this as an A because there is no sex involved. I had my faults as does everyone else, but over all I was an attentive, loving, and faithful husband. I've know her well since H.S. so I really do go back further in her past than the OM, but I believe she has chosen him over me. She never lost her love for him, she just suppressed it.
I believe she does love me, but I don't believe it's a love that supports attraction to me. Maybe more like a brotherly love since we do go so far back. We were friends before we were lovers. This is not the kind of relationship I want if I am to be her husband. I can't be second best to any Man when it comes to the W I choose to marry. I know she is confused now between us both, but I have strong doubts she's confused about love. I really believe if she could have both of us, she would choose to, but neither he or I would tolerate it. I guess we both fulfill different needs of her's and she's told me as much, but I don't believe the "love" that brings attraction is what she wants from me,
I believe it was there for a brief time (10 yrs), but now the OM is in the picture, it won't return and our relationship will evolve back to the way it was (just friends).
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Well, maybe we are friends with fringe benefits after all. Would it be "French" benefits if the WAW slipped you the tongue like she did me today when I dropped off our S6? Just kidding, couldn't help it!
She just started hugging and kissing me a couple of weeks ago, but just a quick kiss and hug. Today, she kissed me a little longer and stuck the tongue in for the first time and a long time. I gently bit her upper lip and pull away in a teasing manner. I saw that predatory look in her eyes!
What's that all about? I know it's been a long time for her because she's waiting on some yahoo to get paroled who may be in there another 5 to 10 years. I know she's not dating any others and she's not the type for one night stands, she needs an emotional connection or at the very least a very familiar and close acquaintance. I think she's horny and doesn't know where to turn. I think in a strange sense, she wants to remain faithful to the convict, but his emotional manipulation isn't enough to keep her desires in line. Last week, she made a commit about me having sex with the OW and asked it I do the things to her that I use to do to her. Of course, I didn't say anything and tried to avoid the conversation, but I can tell she was heating up just thinking about it.
I have sensed for the past few weeks she wants to use me for sex. OW is really having an impact on her actions towards me. Almost like she wants to compete for my affections or attention. She's really warming up sexually to me, but keeping her distance emotionally. I think I may end up being used, but I think I'm up to the task without being hurt afterwards by her predictable withdrawal.
What would you guys do?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I do have my suspicions about her intent. Why all of the sudden after 15 months of not ML is she teasing me like this? I think there may be an element of control here.
Thanks Ford, I will tread carefully here. I'm not going to allow myself to be hurt by her all over again. Damn though, it's hard when you want to ravish them. She's still hot to me.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Would it be "French" benefits if the WAW slipped you the tongue like she did me today when I dropped off our S6? Just kidding, couldn't help it!