I've given into temptation. It's been over a year separation and 17 months of estrangement that brought me to this point. I see glimpses of emotion from time to time from my stbx, but it's like taking care of a brain dead relative. I check in on her once in a while, but she's still in that vegetative state. Nothing I say or do makes any difference. There's just nothing there in her heart, mind, or soul.
I've been dating several woman for the last 4/5 months and have really been captured by one. I've been dating her exclusively for the last month and about 5 months all together. We have ML and strangely, I don't feel guilty about it like I thought I would. I actually feel human again if that makes any sense to anyone. She knew my situation all along and never pushed me into anything. She doesn't make any demands on me and knows I still have feelings for W even with her rejection of me. She has really been an understanding friend and lover. I've never said that I love her or make promises to her and she accepts this. Our relationship is very fluid, interesting, fun, and honest. Not sure this will last long, but we're both comfortable where it's at now. No expectations from either of us. Her H left her for OW 6 years ago and moved to another State.
Anyway, I can tell the W senses her presence and influence, but hasn't said anything to me. I'm not even sure she really cares. It's just sad to me because it feels like I'm at the point of no return and She's oblivious to it. She is stuck in neutral waiting on a man who may not get out of prison for another 5 to 10 years. When/if she wakes up, it will be to late and she will have wasted so much time on something that probably wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway. Even after all the pain, anxiety, hurt she has caused, I still feel sorry for her.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
OW has been calling me late every night while I'm working. We talk for hours. I'm afraid this will get to serious and it's still really to soon for me. Not soon in the sense of time, because I've been estranged from waw for about 17 months now. Soon in the sense that I'm still having issues with the concept of long term relationships. Commitment scares me now where it never did in the past.
Do you ever get over this? I don't think a divorce decree alone would make a difference and I know the passage of time hasn't done anything to change that feeling. I think I'm destine to be single the rest of my life and won't be able to make the commitment to OW that would keep her around for a considerable amount of time. I think I'm damaged goods!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Wow, A... I've wondered about this same thing myself. I have no good advice for you, only thoughts and hugs and wishes for your well-being. Take care of yourself. Talk to OW, let her know where you are. Regardless of where you end up, she needs to know why.
I'm trying to make sense of my waw's obsession with OM who is in prison. I've been researching (books and internet) about Woman being attracted to killers behind bars. It's really weird and interesting at the same time. It's a phenomena many might not be aware of.
It makes sense to me. I think my waw likes the ideal of control over what she perceives as a powerful and dangerous entity. She has total control over the situation and can orchestrate her fantasy as she pleases from a safe distance. She gets his undivided attention whenever she wants and this fuels her ego. This dope won't have any masculinity left to him after she's done with him. Kind of like a vampire that sucks a Man's identity and power from him. In a sense, he's a doll for her to play with.
There may be some other issues involved as well with my W's past and her upbringing. Low self-esteem comes into play but there also may be mental or physical abuse in her past that I'm not aware of. I know her Father was abusive to her Mother and they divorced when she was young, but she never really ever talked about her relationship to her Father.
I'm not really sure how to approach her past, but all this research has me really curious. She has some mental/emotional issues she's not facing and I'm not sure how to help her without her getting upset of mad at me. No matter what happens between us, I want to see her mentally healthy for our kids sake.
Any suggestions, advice, or observations would be appreciated.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Yes, you are right, she is living in a fantasy world. Women that "love" men in prison are in control to a certain point but when that man gets released it is a whole other story. They can imagine whatever they want, whenever they want but that's not reality when that person is right in front of you. It's one thing to stand by your man if he becomes incarcerated and another to develop a whole new relationship with someone you have never met outside the prison walls
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The OW called me at work tonight. She's been out of town on business the last few days. She asked me again what "I think about us". We had one hell of a frolicking encounter before She left. All the details occasionally cross my mind and smoke starts rolling out my ears. Wow, she's really something! I think She's trying to get some kind of commitment out of me, it's the third time she's asked me. I've talked around the question and she doesn't push back on my answer. At least not yet, but I think she's looking for more.
I don't want to lead her on or anything, and I am really honest about everything with her, but we really have not been together for that long. I really didn't expect her to get so close to me so soon. I was just enjoying her company. Why does it have to get so complicated?
I skirted around the question again over the phone and told her I would see her when she's back in town. I really didn't expect dating to be like this. I thought I could just date and have some fun, but She wants a commitment that I'm not prepared to give.
I think I'm now scared of commitment in ANY form. Ugh, this OW is beautiful in so many ways and I'm damaged goods. I don't feel that way about her, but I like her company. I know I will have to say good-bye to her soon cause I think she's looking for a husband or at the very least a long term relationship.
Is this bad on my part to be this way? I don't want to hurt this OW the way my W hurt me. I still want to see her and spend time with her, but I don't want to commit. What should I say to this question?
Waiting on my house to sell before finalizing my D, but I know those filed papers are not going to make a difference on my outlook.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
you simply got to get it out of your head that you're damaged goods. you've got some dings, some fears, but we all got them to different extents.
there is nothing wrong with being honest with her, she has to know what you've been through, you can tell her you're not ready for the big dip in the pond, but you'll be more than happy to stick your toe in from time to time to check the waters.
try not to miss out on good things because you got burned in the past, it gives the past too much power.
Thanks Ford, you always have good advice and usually have your finger on the cause. I do think that fear of rejection is still there lingering in my subconscious. I really need to face that demon and do battle with it or I'm never going to let anyone get to close to me again. Only question is how do you do that?
I've forgiven, my anger and resentment are tempered, and I've accepted my circumstances. So what else do I have to do?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
crikey - I wish I knew the answer to that one. I haven't even started down that route yet. I do know I get a little pang of pain when I imagine dating. It's like I'm expecting to get dumped before it even starts. Just be honest with her and let her make up her own mind. Yuo can't do any else.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
