I'm so excited about your trip. Remember, "pina colada por favor" is probably about all you'll need to get by.
About your sudden thought about his possibly getting reM -- been there, still there, unfortunately I have a very good record of that kind of gut feeling about my H being right (and his rushing the D is pointing suspiciously in that direction), it may just be that you know him so well that you're picking up on something small but telling. Well forewarned is forearmed as they say, frankly I'd rather have thought of the possibility myself than be totally blindsided by it . . . plus that way you have time to think of clever quips to make about it. (Hmm, except I haven't thought of any yet. Maybe we can work on that.)
GET TO BED! Hahahaha! I know I should be there too. Emergency work meeting and have to get up at 4:00. Eeek!
Good point you make about being forewarned. The thought brought me down yesterday, but now I'm glad it became a stronger thought in the event that reality follows.
I'm still up because XH did call back tonight and I want to journal while it's still fresh in my mind. Knock me over with a feather.
P.S. What was that other one? Cer vesa, por favor? I might need that one too!
He called about 6:30 while I was getting ready for pool league. Note that XH was very down or very tired or both, and worn out sounding throughout the entire phone call. I thought for a moment he may be drunk as well, but he was very coherent and a little edgy about some things as you will see. Totally the opposite of Mr. Cheery this time.
Me: Hello
X: Hi, how you doing?
Me: Good...how are you?...what's up?
X: I'm good...just following up...I said I'd call you (very defensive re: calling me back)...sorry I didn't call last night...
Me: Oh, O.K., no problem. I only have a few mintues though, as I'm about to go to pool (lightly brush it off)...
X: Oh, I'll let you get ready...
Me: It's O.K., I have a few...So, what's new?
X: (long story about another stray cat that he is adopting that showed up at his door {still trying to get into heaven, I guess-real reference to last adopted cat and nice phone call}
Me: {trying to be affirming of kindness of adopting cat, etc.}
Me: So what else is going on?
X: Well, work is slow again but I had a good summer.
Me: Hmmm
X: What do you mean, Hmmm? (defensively, again)
Me: I just meant "that's interesting...and I remember you saying work was slow last winter, also."
X: Oh
Further discussion from both regarding the pets, parents well-being...I told him that my dad was doing well despite his cancer diagnosis and had chosen an alternative treatment and was doing well eight months later. No questions or comments from X, just acknowlegement.
Then I had an opening, so I enthusiastically said "Oh, guess what?! I'm so excited I JUST HAD to tell you!
X: What?
Me: I'm going to Cozumel!
X: What's there?
Me: You know...sunshine, sandy beaches, umbrella drinks!
X: What's the occasion?
Me: Nothing, just for FUN (this sounded like a foreign idea to him...FUN) It'll be nice to get out of here in the middle of winter.
X: {some sort of acknowledgement I don't recall}
X: So what's new around there?
Me: You mean in town?
X: Yeah
Me: Not much. Well, the road is done (construction) and there a couple of new businesses in town...there's a new "fitness center" I tried out. I'm still deciding if I want to join up...and {as if he didn't know after bringing Sweet Pea up here}
Then X's phone beeps and...
X: This is a work call, I HAVE to take it...
Me: O.K., I'll talk to you later...
X: I'll call you tomorrow
Me: O.K., see you later...
There was more detail but that was the gist of it. He sounded so bad I almost felt sorry for him. I thought about commenting how awful he sounded and was he O.K. but I felt I would get some sort of "yeah, why shouldn't I be?" comment.
What do you all think?
I think I will send the card and pics unless something takes a sudden turn for the worse.
It was Tuesday last week that he called. Tuesday must be a "Sweet Pea Free" day. I actually noticed that pattern in the past.
"cervesa, por favor", "cervesa, por favor", "cervesa, por favor"...Got it! I never tried ovaltine. Is it good? "cervesa, por favor" sounds better to me!
Well, what a turn up! Well dealt with on the phone ,by the way!!
Good, good! You know, he sounds no longer like Peter Pan, flying through a charmed life, but one of the lost boys sadly grounded. Yup! I think you are right. I think reality is hitting him hard, and he is running to get some contact with the secure and maybe comforting world of yesterday and you.
It is up to you how you deal.He is still out there and doing his skanky thing.
So you can decide if you want to give him the comfort in cheery, friendly sympathetic contact, or just stay detached ,and let him flounder awhile yet.. or even for good. My attitude as you know, to my H is to keep the friendly thing going, while getting on like mad with my own life. It has seemed to work so far, as he is making all the first moves ,and getting more relaxed, and gave me big tight hug and kiss last time we met. He sees me as OK ,and now safe with him,loves chatting with me, tho still slightly competitive,unfortunately.
So go that way if you want. No hopes.. just wry amusement at the mighty now bumping along the ground, not flying high.
Maybe just see how it pans out, and be the gently warm , upbeat,empathising person to him for a wee while. I suspect he may panic at some point.. retreat again for a while,.. but who knows! Just put no value on the contact, as it does not mean to him what it does to you at this point. He is likely using it to prop his saggy new life at present, I feel, so his plans are still away.
I think this of my H.He maybe feels if he can see me for a laugh, and a guilt easing meal then he will manage just fine, not miss me, not worry etc, but not be committed to me either.
Now Jaybee was saying that there is also the opposite stance.. as you know.. to cut the contact. as her xH reacted to that. But I think..at present, if they start to like and want contact.. then that is a good way to find out more.If it is progressing no matter how slow then that feels good. But if like Jay's it is stuck, them maybe it needs a change. Maybe then we can cut, if it seems helpful, and they will have more to miss and lose. Who knows, and who knows if we do want them back.. sad deceitful failures that they are.
Maybe life has better for us in store. I do not have much choice as we have sons, and that means contact at times. Also the money and the house, and lots still,of his stuff here. He has left it so he has lots of good reasons to come over. You have more freedom now.. but I would be curious to see where this goes for a wee while.. without committing any hopes or emotional investment in it if you can. Best way is to have your fun life keep rolling, and just make the most of it! Go out and enjoy.. your mission for now!! Take care,
His new life doesn't sound as if it is making him happy, and Calder is right, he seems to be hankering after the life he threw away. He seems very interested in all that is going on for you and in your neighbourhood.
The first step in reconnection, do you think? You handled it perfectly too.
Now let's see what his next move may be, although he my not make one for quite a while. Strange creatures, MLCers. I remember in April thinking there was a bit of a breakthrough when xh told me has had been depressed for a few weeks but he just shot right back up the tunnel, and stayed there!
But that's the worst that could happen.
What would you like to happen?
If you want it, it does sound like he is at least wanting something of a friendship with you. I always said that just because they choose not to keep in contact, it doesn't mean they have forgotten.
By the way, the alternative approach Calder mentioned was something I read in one of the threads here recently, but was really meant to be an alternative in the early stages of an affair. Cutting contact was for me, as you know, and it was exactly the right thing for me. Although it does seem to have taken away a prop for him, as Calder describes it.
We had done the friendship thing for so long, and it was just a cheeseless tunnel, but I certainly don't regret trying that route. And it seems you may well have that opportunity now, if you choose to take it.
Like Calder, I am curious to see what he does next, so long as it does not affect you adversely.
How great that you had the Mexico trip to tell him about!
Hugs
Jaybeexxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Very interesting to say the least. I really like how happy and busy you sounded. The call could not have come at a better time with you having plans. I am glad you told him about Mexico. He sees you just moving on with your life and leaving him in the dust. I would say yes to the Christmas card.
Oh something I read on 4060 that October to December are the worst for an mlcer. Covert and overt depression are on an increase. Some of course make more contact because of Christmas.
I am jealous of you going to Mexico. If you like to bake then buy some vanilla. You can't get vanilla anywhere else that is so good. Of course don't forget the kahula.
Thanks for your kudos regarding my handling of the phone call. I realized I no longer think and plan what I'm going to say in DB fashion. I could have been a little more affirming, I suppose.
I agree with your assessment of the situation and also your way of dealing with it in these circumstances.
I will just go with the flow, tweaking and adjusting as I go along. But I will keep in mind to have no expectations and continue on with GAL. I really do expect a retreat now. It's still very evident as you say that he is still doing his skanky thing and light years before any transparency from him.
Good point that the contact does not mean the same to him as it does to me.
Quote: The first step in reconnection, do you think? You handled it perfectly too.
How about a MLCer answer?..."I don't know." I'm trying not to read anything into it. I do admit it is certainly a change from the new normal of the past couple years. Could be a touch and go.
Quote: But that's the worst that could happen.
Yes. I was just talking to another DBer saying that I think the worst is over, from my perspective anyway.
Quote: What would you like to happen?
I don't know. This is one of those things that I don't have to think about right now. If something has to be decided, I will think about it then. This applies to all aspects of my life. Not that I don't plan properly or think of the future and consequences and such, but you know what I mean.
Quote: We had done the friendship thing for so long, and it was just a cheeseless tunnel
I guess this adds weight to the theory to change things up if they aren't working. Whatever "working" means is all relative to a particular situation.
I'll let you know what transpires next, if anything. Like I said to Calder, I think this will be it for a while.
Funny, about having something to tell him...I have more chit chat and could have gone on for hours but I suppose I'll have to wait another eight months...or forever...to say it.
Hahahaha! I know I should be there too. Emergency work meeting and have to get up at 4:00. Eeek!
) 