Quote: I don't think EITHER gender finds a spouse attractive when that spouse is scrambling somewhat pathetically to meet unreasonable demands in a desperate attempt to get something other than venomous spew from the other spouse.
On the other hand, both genders really seem to find self-respect, directness, and healthy boundaries very attractive.
I think that the idea of being an attractive person is often one of the first things to go once people get into a committed relationship. You've made the catch, what do you need bait for? To me, looking at the analogy in the other post gives me an image of the immature adolescent that exists within us all to some degree or other. I think this is why this concept seems so foreign to me, and where the huge break in my connection with my W occurred. I think I dropped any sense that I needed to be attractive on any sort of highschool level and thought that her knowledge of who I am and the intimacy we shared was more than enough. So now she's started experiencing this other part of her character once again and I'm in a totally different place. While I don't think I'm pathetic in the sense that I'm desperate or scrambling to meet my W's needs, I'm certainly not approaching this situation from the level that she is. Nor should I. You can't romance someone that isn't interested. They need to be a willing participant on some level.
The attractive attributes listed here suggest a healthy person's lack of willingness to sacrifice themselves for the relationship. This sense of self respect has a lot of deeper meaning in an evolutionary sense. Someone with these attributes is likely to fight for their family in the face of adversity while someone else might just cave and pray for mercy.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: I guess what it comes down to is that if a person is feeling taken advantage of and abused for doing "loving" things for his/her S, then he/she should stop doing those things.
It is the emotional effect that is the line here rather than the effect on the sitch.
So I guess it comes down to making yourself happy, that is what is best for the sitch. If one feels disrespected he/she must either choose to ignore it, and live with it, or draw firm boundaries for the other party and live with those consequences/benefits. Does that make sense?
To me, this is entirely about taking responsibility for one's feelings, be they positive or negative. I think that boundaries are not so much for keeping others from taking advantage of you, rather they are for keeping this responsibility (for our internal states) within oneself. Not setting boundaries for the sake of dictating what we'll allow others to do, rather defining how we'll treat ourselves and what options for our internal state we'll avail ourselves of.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
