Yes, this is a worthy topic for discussion Muddle. I think we all grapple with what often feels like a no-win situation. I believe it comes down to the dynamic going on in each individual R. My line may be different than your line and vise versa. I think what it comes down to is if certain actions on your part are creating discomfort for either party than they must be re-examined. If something works, do more of it and if it doesn't work stop doing it and do something else. The trick is to recognize whether something is working or driving you further apart. That is hard to do considering we all make deductions based on our own emotional filters. Finding which action(s)is the negative one is often the real work here. If I think showing love is cooking dinner every night then it is going to be difficult for me to see that I am maybe pushing my W away by not "allowing" her a role in this activity. I may be isolating her by doing something that I see as loving. I tend to think in your case though, and what do I really know,your W is fully invested in blaming you no matter what you do, so you need to do what you feel most comfortable doing. Lets face it, if you take on getting groceries for her she considers you uncaring for not getting the right stuff and if you don't buy her groceries you are uncaring for not getting her groceries. So, I say, just do what you feel is best for you and the sitch. If you notice a certain action or purchase gets a positive then jump on it if not let it roll off your back. I think the "line" we walk moves frequently and it is never a permanent one. We should never make the mistake of expecting that line to be in the same place tomorrow as it is today. That's my 2 cents anyway.
