Not giving up even though H having an A

[not_giving_up]

Just wanted to journalize for a second about my weekend.

It was actually ok for once. On Saturday, I took the kids to breakfast and a little shopping. While I was out, H called 3 times to let me know about his civil servants test. He told me that both parts went well but he had some bad news for me. He got a speeding ticket on his way to the test. So he was afraid our insurance was going to increase. We kept things light and no R talk. Later that afternoon I had my company Christmas party. It was tough at first to be there without him but it went ok. He wouldn't have been able to go anyways because he had to work. I did invite him a few times. I told him that I would love for him to go but I know that he has to work. I ended up staying until after midnight just chatting away with one of the ladies that I use to work with. She has stood in my shoes. Her XH did the same thing to her. She finally got to the point of just saying, enough is enough.

While I was at the party, H had called twice. I called him on my way home at 12:30am. It felt kind of nice to be calling him that late and telling him that I was on my way home from the party. We just talked about our son's birthday and kept it light again.

Sunday was another story. H was suppose to come to church to see our S5 in his christmas program. Did that happen? Nope. Blamed it on working the night before and falling asleep. He didn't hear his alarm nor me calling at 9:30 to have him stop at the house to bring something to the church with him. After church, I didn't call him. I headed over to my brothers for some Christmas gift exchanges for the kids and then headed to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. During this time, I was out of range with my cell. When I got back to a place where I could get service, I noticed a VM. He had called me twice, within a 5 minute time span, and was apologizing about missing S program. I just blew it off. I ended up calling him about 1 hour after he left the message. I told him that I was on my way home. He asked me what was wrong and I just said "I will talk to you when you get to the house."

Well, he has to be at work by 6:30...didn't show up until 6:00 and spent about 10 minutes with the kids. It really erked me.......it almost seemed like our S birthday didn't mean too much to him. I walked him out and he was waiting on a tongue lashing from me. I told him that I wasn't going to get into it with him. And he told me that if I had something to say, then say it. I said no. He wanted me to call him when he left to talk for a minute. So I did.

We only talked for a few minutes. He wanted to know what was wrong and wanted me to say what I had to say. I just told him that I felt like he was trying to compete with me with S5 birthday. (He walked in with 5 huge balloons for him) I told him that I had included him on the card for the gifts that I had given S5. He said that he didn't know that. I told him that he was still apart of this family and until he tells me that he doesn't want to be, I am going to continue including him. I told him that he knew what I felt I was suppose to do in all of this. He said, "what's that" and I said "fight. It is a strong feeling that I am suppose to fight for this marriage as hard as I can." He knew. He says "I don't know." to the question of whether or not he wants me to fight but I don't care at this point. I am fighting for us, even if it is just through prayer and good deeds towards him.

I wake up every morning and ask myself, "Are you still in love with him?" Until the day that I answer "NO", I am going to continue the fight. We have another MC session set up for tomorrow at 4pm. I have decided that I am going to attend. I have asked him and he said that he doesn't know. I pray that he does. If he doesn't, then I will work on some me issues until I can get him back to the MC.

So other than that, the weekend was ok. H stopped this morning to take S5 out to breakfast. He had him for a whole hour and then left to go back to OW house to sleep.