Well, its been quite some time since I’ve updated my thread and now I can’t even find it over in the infidelity forum. Technically, I believe I belong in the piecing forum these days anyhow, so might as well post updates here. Besides, and happily, most of my DBing peers seemed to have graduated to this forum anyhow…..
For those of you who are reading this and aren’t familiar with my sitch, I’ll give the Cliff Notes version (I’m not so good at linking, and besides, I’m having a heck of a time finding my old threads).
Basically, the bomb dropped last October when my wife told me that she was falling for OM at work, questioned whether she loved me, whether she wanted the M, whether she was happy, etc, etc. Pretty much the same story over and over. The first few months, I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, moped, etc. Found this site and started to at least try to turn things around. Much like GH’s sitch, my W continued her EA while living with me and, at times, ostensibly trying to work things out.
After the new year came about, things were nowhere near where they should have been. My W was all over the place, and to make matters worse, I began to suspect that she was suffering from an eating disorder (something she had suffered from in the past when she was younger). Over the course of several months, my suspicions were confirmed and my fight became even harder for reasons I’ll get into later.
So, by March or April, it would appear that OM was out of the picture, even though my W still worked with him, remained mostly distant from me, her family and, basically, our lives. Much of this I attributed to her eating disorder (anyone familiar with eating disorders will know, in a nutshell, that the sufferer builds an emotional wall around themselves…its much, much more complex than this, but I don’t want to bog this post down with all the details), but some of it I attributed to something else, whether it was because she was unsure about us, etc…..I don’t know. She wasn’t opening up to me.
So summer comes and things are really at a standstill. My W is still very distant and just doesn’t want any part of anything (life in general, etc.) As she described it to me on several occasions, she was just numb and hollow….and it showed. By this time, I learned that her eating disorder had progressed from a restricting anorexia, to a binge-purge type anorexia. Apparently, she was cycling several times a day for several months…she would eat huge amounts of food and then, well, you know the rest. Over time, she became comfortable enough with me to share this with me and I did my best to understand, and try to help her find help. Slowly, she acknowledged the problem and started to take action to try and get help. Went for a physical in July, and saw a therapist in August.
Yet, on the R front, things were still touch and go. Our vacation came and went, and not much happened…..she continued to binge/purge and maintain a lot of distance from me, her family, and friends.
So, when I last left everyone, September had come about. I came across a secret cell phone that my W had been using to maintain contact with OM during the day when I was at work, or at other times when I wasn’t around. Needless to say, this rocked my world and brought as close as I ever came to giving up. For weeks afterwards, I literally just didn’t know what to do. I consulted with a D attorney, started to set up a separate bank account, and look for a place to live. I was done, I had enough. I was galled that I had given so much time, patience and understanding to her, thinking that she was giving us a chance, when in fact, she wasn’t.
A few weeks pass by….I cool down to some degree and my W and I just talked. Basically, she told me that she had known months prior to me finding this phone that she didn’t want to be with OM and that she wanted her life with me and our family. That she knew she had to end everything with him before we could even begin to start healing and that she wanted to do just that. Also, she recognized that she needed some pretty major help to get out of her eating disorder cycle and asked me to help her figure out how she could do that.
And there I was, in September, trying to figure out whether I could give her anything else, whether I wanted to fight for it or whether I just needed to give up and move on. I came to the decision that I loved her too much to give up (there was a conversation with her that really kind of sent me reeling….basically, after everything, she acknowledged that everyone had given up on her, even me…and while she understood it, she was saddened by it). I realized that even if things weren’t going to work out for us, she still needed my support to help her face her demons. She is the mother of our children and I wanted her to get well. I figured that was the first step in anything…..get her help and then we could see if her and I could make it after everything.
Finally, my W checked herself into the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia in mid-October. This is a facility that is dedicated to treating eating disorders and we both felt fairly confident that this is what my W needed to break the cycle and start the healing process. Sadly, from day one, things did not look good. We got there and throughout the orientation, my W just wanted to leave without giving it a chance. She had many problems, mostly because their goal was to get her back to 90% of her ideal body weight (at present, she is at 67%) and mostly because she had to give up control. Being there for her was like being in prison. Eventually, I and the counselors were able to convince her to give it a least a week. She reluctantly agreed and I went home.
By the end of the week, she was determined NOT to stay there and decided to check herself out. Needless to say, I was devastated because I had hoped that she would begin to see the advantages and really stick with it. But, she didn’t and the only thing I could do was try to be as supportive as possible and hopefully steer her into some sort of treatment here at home.
As it turned out, her stay there wasn’t all negative and she DID make some progress which I was very happy about. She did break the binge/purge cycle, recognized that she needs serious psychological help and may need depression medication to help combat her depression. She also began to try to eat a three meal regimen, and was determined to continue outpatient treatment. She also knew that she was completely dedicated to our R and wanted us to build a better relationship.
Now, here we are, almost a month and half later. How are things? Well, on the R front, on the surface, things appear “warmer”. We’ve been getting along better, and she seems more upbeat than usual. I’m convinced that OM is no longer a factor and that she is serious about trying to work on “us”. We are scheduled to see a marriage counselor in two weeks (her suggestion) and I’ve been doubling my efforts to ensure that I’m communicating effectively, and coming off as wanting her, not needing her.
As for her ED, well, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t slipped back into her old B/P habits, but she is restricting her calorie intake. Not much progress on that front. She has seen her therapist only once since coming home and she hasn’t attended the group therapy sessions that are held in our area. She is scheduled to see her T in another week, but things are so VERY slow on this front. I fear that we haven’t scratched the surface yet with this disorder and it will take a lot of time to even begin.
So, all in all, things are not great, could be a lot better, but somehow are better than they have been. Again, she seems more upbeat, more involved, closer to me emotionally. I think what really keeps us from moving forward at this point is mostly attributable to her disorder. As I said earlier, on the surface, things seem good, but underneath, I sense the she is still emotionally withdrawn, but is going through the motions to try and break the spell.
In any event, sorry for the monster post. There’s so much more I guess I could say, but I’ll probably save it for future posts.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Hi Rob, Thanks for the update. I'm glad that you have also graduated to Piecing along with the few others that have been here since the beginning of the year. Whew, can you believe it's been this long?!
GH, I believe, has truly graduated, his divorce has been busted! He is my role model and if my memory serves me correctly isn't he your "brother from another mother"? He and his W are enjoying a life that they never had before and it is wonderful!
Sounds like things are heading in the right direction at the moment. Marriage and the usual problems are hard enough, broken marriages and affair recovery is even harder. Then when you have additional issues on top of that, man it seems like an ever-growing mountain sometimes.
We're not dealing with an eating disorder, but my W cheated, lied for three years, and contracted genital herpes and that's made piecing even more difficult. So I feel for you and understand how all that extra stuff can be tough.
Surprisingly, we're overcoming everything, albeit slowly. Sounds like you are too. I wish you well!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I'm so sorry she didn't stick with the program at Renfrew.
Did she have some specific objection to the way they ran THEIR program, or was it just the typical not wanting to really give up the ED (or being afraid to)? Not all inpatient programs are equivalent, you might find something better suited to her (mind you, I don't know anything about Renfrew itself - the little I've heard has been good).
It sure sounds like she needs a LOT more intervention than she's getting now, though. For comparison, with my anorexic/bulimic daughter, it took 6 months of 24/7 supervision at home (she didn't shower alone, she wasn't allowed to flush and I stood outside the door when she used the bathroom, etc.), weekly psychologist visits, monthly psychiatrist visits, and a whopping 70 mg of Prozac to break the behaviors and get her back to a normal weight.
Your sitch is additionally complicated by the likelihood that she is "punishing" herself for the affair, too.
I believe it's a lot harder for spouses than for parents to deal with EDs, but if you can, here's what I would recommend:
- do what it takes to get her on meds now. Prozac has been studied in bulimia, and is the drug of choice for OCD (which I believe most EDs are a variant of OCD or a close relative). Additionally, it is a good antidepressant and your W has components of depression too (as did my D).
- try some bibliotherapy. Maybe read The secret Language of Eating Disorders with her? (Read it yourself to see if it fits - my D said it described her mental state pretty well). Share with her some of the research articles on the biological causes of EDs (it seemed to help my D when I could explain to her the biology of WHY she was having these persistent thoughts - helped her to better fight them when she could understand them as "brain hiccupos" in the basal ganglia. Two books on OCD - Brainlock by Schwartz and The Boy who wouldn't stop washing by Rappaport - do a good job of describing.)
- personalize the disease as "Ed", someone you will HELP her fight. (It gets too easy to slip into being mad at the person for what they're doing to themselves - easier for you to unite WITH them against "Ed", who is doing this TO them. My D was terrified and needed to know that I would help her fight Ed, and that I believed we could win).
- one thing that helped my D, I made her a shake every morning and she drank it like medicine, whether she wanted to or not. Because it was blended, she could think of it as medicine. She didn't watch me prepare it, so she didn't know everything that went into it - a can of Ensure Plus, a scoop of the highest-fat ice cream I could find, and a calorie supplement called Benecal (order from Walgreens online). With all that, I could manage to get almost 1,000 calories into a single glass. Of course, she was only 13 and less calorie-savvy than your W, but something like this might work for you.
- it might not hurt to get a light box, like they use for treating seasonal affective disorder, and have her use it in the morning. There are some interesting studies on using them in ordinary depression. I commend you for sticking in there - you know, at 67% of her normal weight, that her brain cells aren't firing properly, she's really sick and needs you to be her rock just as if she had schizophrenia or cancer.
Good luck to you. I know it's a terrible thing to fight against. The more you can educate yourself, the better your chance of saving her. The good news is, she came out of it once before, so hopefully she can do it again. Three years later, my D is doing well. Be strong.
In some ways, things are heading in the right direction, albeit very, very slowly. I still slip up now and again (just as recently as yesterday), but the important thing is that I've learned to identify those slips and take corrective action soon thereafter!
Piecing in this situation is hugely difficult because I recognize that I must shoulder a lot of the emotional burden....at this point, she just does not have the capacity to reciprocate to a healthy degree. It is what it is. She's constructed a shell that no amount of my love or support will break through....althoug it will help put cracks into it....but the real work is the therapy.
I frequent another board dedicated to EDs and some of the pearl of wisdoms I've gathered there can also be utilized in attempting to piece our broken marriages:
1. Learn how to provide intimacy she needs to trust you and to be truthful with you. She has to feel safe with you before she can give herself to you.
2. Learn to ask questions, advice you give, even though it probably is in her best interest, is ignored if she didn't ask for it. There's power in the words "how does that make you feel."
3. Understandt that when she ask for advice, she doesn't always want it. Instead, she wants validation. Ask questions that help her work through stuff on her own.
4. This one is more applicable to me, and I have to remind myself of it daily. Until she begins treatment, and perhpas for months after, her order of importance will be: her eating disorder, herself in a distant second place and I will be third, maybe, but by a long mile.
5.Keep yourself grounded and active. Get help when you need it. Be patient. Be available. Be loving. Try to do your best everyday.
6. Remember, perfection is impossible. You will not be the perfect husband. Her recovery will not be perfect.
Again, these are more for me (and I have these printed out and pasted on my wall at work to remind me), but there are some overarching principles that the LBS should adopt and utilize.
TL, I have been following your sitch to some degree. I still peruse the boards and I have to say that things seem to be looking up for you as well.
Mama, looks like your still plugging along too....overall, I think you're doing a fantastic job and it seems that your R is moving in the right direction....although not nearly as fast as you'd like it. Be patient, I think good things are coming your way.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks for stopping by....I was just thinking about you. I recently came across some of your old posts on another site with regard to your D and was amazed. My goodness.....
The problem wasn't so much the Renfrew Center specifically, just the "fear" of giving up the ED in general, I believe. As far as inpatient programs go, I've heard such good things about it, but her problem was that she would have had to give up control....they monitored her 24/7, and focused on getting her to a healthy weight, while putting her through pretty intensive therapy. The problem was, she felt that they focused too much on the weight gain (uhm, no kidding) and not on the "underling problems". No amount of disucssion could get her to see that the two go hand in hand.
So, unfortunately, progess was stinted, but not completely stopped. It was a huge step in the right direction and fortunately, she is making baby steps. As I told her when she came home, after my initial disappointment, any progress is still progress. She is still seeing a T.
funny, that week really put me through the wringer. I remember how angry I was that she wasn't giving it a chance, how disappointed I was, etc. We argued quite extensively and then it dawned on me that I was being my old self and trying to control the siutation. Pre-DB, I would have been stubborn and Passively/Aggressively punished her for her decision. But a some point during the week, I came to terms with it and while I expressed my disappointment, told her that I also would support her continuing to seek treatment on her own terms. This was pretty powerful for her and also for me.
I guess the lesson to be learned is that we really have to step outside of old selves at times and really look at things from this new perspective. I find myself doing it more and more. Sure, I still fly off the handle at times, but the most powerful thing I have is the ability to recognzie the mistake and modify the behavior.
Yes, it is going to take a lot of intervention for her to ever get better. I'm frustated with her T becasue she is basically too busy to see my W on a very regular basis. In reality, my W should be seeing her T on at least a weekly basis, if not more. So, we have to work through that. Finding another one in our area is difficut.
I've tried to get my W to get into an intensive outpatient program in our area that would allow her to get more aggressive treatment, but allow her to be at home with us. She is not comfortable with that step just yet.
Thank you for your suggestions.....they are well taken. I will say that I've educated myself pretty well and she looks to me for a lot of answers on her ED. We discuss it openly and she knows that I have a good understanding of it. This is very important. She trusts me enough to be open about it.
As for referring to it as "ed", we have been doing that as well. Just the other day, as we were packing to go on a trip, she said "I wish I didn't have to live with Ed, I can't make any decisions (about what to wear)". So we have been referring to it in the third person, which, as you pointed out, can be helpful in identifying it as a "common" enemy.
And, mostly, thank you for the references. I will read through them quite extensively.
Thanks again for checking in, it means a lot to me.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
My brother from another mother who I owe a Disney Music box to... didn't forget, just haven't been back recently.
Rob, I think of you often and probably should have emailed you on occasion. I am SO glad to hear things are going better for you. As you know, my W has "issues" too (don't we all) but I think the key is for us to be able to get back to a point where they see us as partners there to help them rather than jail-keepers or part of the problem. I think your W is turning that corner now and her agreeing to the ED help is a HUGE step towards that.
I know it's been really hard for you and I really want to say how great an example you are for sticking things out. You have fought the good fight and I know you will win sooner or later.
I'm trying to remember, I think someone mentioned one of your posts to someone else and advised them to read up on your sitch. Of course, the name was familar, although I wasn't sure whether it was you, so I did a search and found it.
I've found that board to be very helpful and the information is top notch. It recently did go through some changes as the original founders handed over administration of the site to someone else, but it appears to be a seamless transition.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
My good man GH! Trust me, I've been following your sitch and I am so happy for you. As for me, if it weren't for you, OT, Betsy and countless others, I would have likely gone off the deep end!
As for the disney jewelry box....you're off the hook! My sister-in-laws, in-laws (did you follow that??) was down that way recently and picked one up. As it turns out, my middle D, who wanted it, has recently decided to become more of a tom-boy like her older sister, so now we're not even sure she wants it anymore, lol However, I do thank you for thinking of me, and for offering to help out!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
