Well, its been quite some time since I’ve updated my thread and now I can’t even find it over in the infidelity forum. Technically, I believe I belong in the piecing forum these days anyhow, so might as well post updates here. Besides, and happily, most of my DBing peers seemed to have graduated to this forum anyhow…..
For those of you who are reading this and aren’t familiar with my sitch, I’ll give the Cliff Notes version (I’m not so good at linking, and besides, I’m having a heck of a time finding my old threads).
Basically, the bomb dropped last October when my wife told me that she was falling for OM at work, questioned whether she loved me, whether she wanted the M, whether she was happy, etc, etc. Pretty much the same story over and over. The first few months, I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, moped, etc. Found this site and started to at least try to turn things around. Much like GH’s sitch, my W continued her EA while living with me and, at times, ostensibly trying to work things out.
After the new year came about, things were nowhere near where they should have been. My W was all over the place, and to make matters worse, I began to suspect that she was suffering from an eating disorder (something she had suffered from in the past when she was younger). Over the course of several months, my suspicions were confirmed and my fight became even harder for reasons I’ll get into later.
So, by March or April, it would appear that OM was out of the picture, even though my W still worked with him, remained mostly distant from me, her family and, basically, our lives. Much of this I attributed to her eating disorder (anyone familiar with eating disorders will know, in a nutshell, that the sufferer builds an emotional wall around themselves…its much, much more complex than this, but I don’t want to bog this post down with all the details), but some of it I attributed to something else, whether it was because she was unsure about us, etc…..I don’t know. She wasn’t opening up to me.
So summer comes and things are really at a standstill. My W is still very distant and just doesn’t want any part of anything (life in general, etc.) As she described it to me on several occasions, she was just numb and hollow….and it showed. By this time, I learned that her eating disorder had progressed from a restricting anorexia, to a binge-purge type anorexia. Apparently, she was cycling several times a day for several months…she would eat huge amounts of food and then, well, you know the rest. Over time, she became comfortable enough with me to share this with me and I did my best to understand, and try to help her find help. Slowly, she acknowledged the problem and started to take action to try and get help. Went for a physical in July, and saw a therapist in August.
Yet, on the R front, things were still touch and go. Our vacation came and went, and not much happened…..she continued to binge/purge and maintain a lot of distance from me, her family, and friends.
So, when I last left everyone, September had come about. I came across a secret cell phone that my W had been using to maintain contact with OM during the day when I was at work, or at other times when I wasn’t around. Needless to say, this rocked my world and brought as close as I ever came to giving up. For weeks afterwards, I literally just didn’t know what to do. I consulted with a D attorney, started to set up a separate bank account, and look for a place to live. I was done, I had enough. I was galled that I had given so much time, patience and understanding to her, thinking that she was giving us a chance, when in fact, she wasn’t.
A few weeks pass by….I cool down to some degree and my W and I just talked. Basically, she told me that she had known months prior to me finding this phone that she didn’t want to be with OM and that she wanted her life with me and our family. That she knew she had to end everything with him before we could even begin to start healing and that she wanted to do just that. Also, she recognized that she needed some pretty major help to get out of her eating disorder cycle and asked me to help her figure out how she could do that.
And there I was, in September, trying to figure out whether I could give her anything else, whether I wanted to fight for it or whether I just needed to give up and move on. I came to the decision that I loved her too much to give up (there was a conversation with her that really kind of sent me reeling….basically, after everything, she acknowledged that everyone had given up on her, even me…and while she understood it, she was saddened by it). I realized that even if things weren’t going to work out for us, she still needed my support to help her face her demons. She is the mother of our children and I wanted her to get well. I figured that was the first step in anything…..get her help and then we could see if her and I could make it after everything.
Finally, my W checked herself into the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia in mid-October. This is a facility that is dedicated to treating eating disorders and we both felt fairly confident that this is what my W needed to break the cycle and start the healing process. Sadly, from day one, things did not look good. We got there and throughout the orientation, my W just wanted to leave without giving it a chance. She had many problems, mostly because their goal was to get her back to 90% of her ideal body weight (at present, she is at 67%) and mostly because she had to give up control. Being there for her was like being in prison. Eventually, I and the counselors were able to convince her to give it a least a week. She reluctantly agreed and I went home.
By the end of the week, she was determined NOT to stay there and decided to check herself out. Needless to say, I was devastated because I had hoped that she would begin to see the advantages and really stick with it. But, she didn’t and the only thing I could do was try to be as supportive as possible and hopefully steer her into some sort of treatment here at home.
As it turned out, her stay there wasn’t all negative and she DID make some progress which I was very happy about. She did break the binge/purge cycle, recognized that she needs serious psychological help and may need depression medication to help combat her depression. She also began to try to eat a three meal regimen, and was determined to continue outpatient treatment. She also knew that she was completely dedicated to our R and wanted us to build a better relationship.
Now, here we are, almost a month and half later. How are things? Well, on the R front, on the surface, things appear “warmer”. We’ve been getting along better, and she seems more upbeat than usual. I’m convinced that OM is no longer a factor and that she is serious about trying to work on “us”. We are scheduled to see a marriage counselor in two weeks (her suggestion) and I’ve been doubling my efforts to ensure that I’m communicating effectively, and coming off as wanting her, not needing her.
As for her ED, well, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t slipped back into her old B/P habits, but she is restricting her calorie intake. Not much progress on that front. She has seen her therapist only once since coming home and she hasn’t attended the group therapy sessions that are held in our area. She is scheduled to see her T in another week, but things are so VERY slow on this front. I fear that we haven’t scratched the surface yet with this disorder and it will take a lot of time to even begin.
So, all in all, things are not great, could be a lot better, but somehow are better than they have been. Again, she seems more upbeat, more involved, closer to me emotionally. I think what really keeps us from moving forward at this point is mostly attributable to her disorder. As I said earlier, on the surface, things seem good, but underneath, I sense the she is still emotionally withdrawn, but is going through the motions to try and break the spell.
In any event, sorry for the monster post. There’s so much more I guess I could say, but I’ll probably save it for future posts.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
