Doing It My Way

[Trying]

Well today I took the bait, I know stupid, but hey I do a lot of stupid things. Let me backtrack...I was talking yesterday to a fellow dber, I was told how strong i was and how i have detached etc...because of my xmas post. Well I am not. I fail and screw up too. I am I feel a little farther detached and moved on as others. I believe it is because my husband cheated on me with my sister and I dont have it in my heart to see him in the same light. I do still love him, soooo much. I just know I cant be with him now. He is not himself...i dont know if he will ever be again. I know he will never be what he was and thats ok. I just want him to feel. To feel the pain he has inflicted, to feel love for me and our daughter, to have some respect for me. When he starts doing this maybe we could learn and reconnect.

Well that brings me to tonight. It was his night to watch our d4, he calls me 45min prior to picking her up and ask for a status report??? Huh, i told him i would pick her up at 9, like always. He then ask if I still want to meet him at the gas station to "exchange" her. (this saves me from driving 10 off highway to his place) So I tell him,"no, i am around the area so i can grab her from your place". AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! He then tells me that he is not comfortable with this. I cant just pop over his place uninvited. WTF?? I told him, "i have picked up our d4 from your place before, I never come in, i just knock and you come out with her" Now it is a big deal??? I lost it, I started crying and i told him how hurtful that was. He said, "too bad, he is just trying to set up comfortable boundaries. It is not appropriate for me to just show up" FIRST OF ALL...i did not just show up or anyhing, he called me and asked me what i was doing then tells me I am just inviting myself over. Honestly I was set up to fail here. He tells me that i need to see where he is coming from...I SAID NO>>> it has been about you and how i need to see your point of view. NOW it is my turn...I told him i am hurt, hurt for all that has happened, hurt that i am told i cant even come to pick up my own d4 cause I am overstepping boundaries!
The floodgates opened I told him, "i am about 1 1/5 years behind you in this whole process, I am not perfect, I am still hurt, I miss what my life was. He said that we had a "wonderful" marriage and that he holds no ill will against me. I READ WHAT MRSHURTING wrote and said how mean there/her h is...but the flip side??? An H who is saying nice things to you about being married and such...!!! Ugh. Well I told him i was told by him how horrible i was, how he wasnt happy most of our marriage; how am i suppossed to feel. He had nothing to say.

He shut up. Thennnnnnnnnnn. GET THIS. He tells me he went by my house and dropped off our water bottles and cooler from poland springs (heavy) and some stuff. he left it on the front door step. He said he left it there cause the house was locked. OMG!!! Hello???? So i told him..."of course house is locked! You werent invited, it isnt polite to show up uninvited."

He is typical and he is such a jerk. he is trying to be above me and make me feel likke i am crazy. He told me that i ask him too many questions about his personal life and that i need to not worry about him and that is why he is setting up boundaries and why i shouldnt just "show up" at his place. I have never, ever, never just showed up. I have the past 3 times called him and said i am 10 min away i can pick our d4 up since i am up on your side of town, ill honk send her out. Is this wrong, i was just being helpful. Nothing whatsoever behind it...i dont even go inside, i just honk meet her at the sidewalk and get her in the car.

I am so frustrated and hurt...