I do believe you guys are right. I have focused on him and what he has done in the past because it is a constant thing with him saying he doesn't want to be a part of their life and then a few days later he will call and say sorry. Just like he did yesterday and then took the kids for coffee and donuts to explain why he did it and that angers me more than anything else because I have to pick up after him still. For a while I had detached alot and then something will come up and i'll have to talk to him like the stuff with the house i wish he would do what he is supposed to do and then I would not have to talk to him anymore.It seems the more I detach the more he does to pull me back in I'm gonna start to really work on this part of it and not let him pull me in.. at soccer games things usually go well because I don't stand around waiting for him to talk I sit with other people and he does his own thing..I will really work had to detach and reserve my anger toward him and let him get himself out of his own messes with the kids. I will continue to be the best mom I can be and thats that..thanks I really needed some time to think and I did that yesterday while they where out with him he has to be responsable for his own actions. it hurts me that they don't tell him how he makes them feel and his apoligies are just accepted without repercusions..But i have realized that he has to fix it. I do know that he wants them to come to his house and I think that will be hard on me because I don't want her to have anything to do with my kids so hopefully he will stand up to his word for them but again I have to let them go and decide on their own if they will go back... thanks again for helping to open my eyes to his games Joa.
No you don't have to pick up after him. He threw a tantrum. You don't have to do anything to "pick up the pieces". Even if your kids complain to you, all you need to do is listen and emphasize. Let you H sleep in the bed he keeps making. You don't have to engage him.
Quote: it hurts me that they don't tell him how he makes them feel and his apoligies are just accepted without repercusions..
When you were divorced from your husband, your kids went through it too. It's going to be natural for them to seek his approval. As a child, they just want their dad in their lives and won't do anything to rock the boat.
However, since they are with you most of the time and you are the dependable parent, you will get to listen to the venting, the fears, the frustration,etc. I know it's not easy or fun. But you need to seperate the actions/behaviors from what's driving them.
Your children just want their daddy's love and will do a lot to get it, regardless of how he treats them. Any effort you put into solving this "problem" doesn't have a high likelyhood of working out the way you expect.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
shermann, I totally agree with not being responsable to pick up the pieces and I have to let them make up their own minds and reactions to his games. so from now on I will just continue to support, listen and validate their feelings and thats all I can do thanks for the great advice I think once I find someone to spend time with and not be at home thinking all the time it will get alot easier. Joa
Doug, you are right I don't need someone but it make it easier if there was someone to share things with. I have not spoke to ex since he took the kids out on Tuesday and thats just fine with me. i'm alittle confused about buying him a gift for christmas it would be for the kids to give him but he would know that I bought it...I did last year even though he didn't buy anything for me and that was fine..what do you think gift no gift..I would like to get together over the holidays with you guys again so if anyone is doing anything let me know I have a break from school fromDec. 22 thru Jan 8 thats a long time to have off...I will try and get alot of stuff around the house done while I have time..Joa.
Take the kids shopping and give them each a certain amount of money (even if it is only $5 or $10 each) and let them pick something out for their dad. This way it is really from them and not you. Let them pick whatever they want to give him. They just have to stay under the limit you give them.
No gift, it's time to let go. If he wanted a gift from the kids through you, he should have stayed in the M. If the day comes where things change and the two of you work things out, then the gifts can start again.
We will give you a call if we get together. I think Sherman is gone most of the holidays though.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
Quote: No gift, it's time to let go. If he wanted a gift from the kids through you, he should have stayed in the M. If the day comes where things change and the two of you work things out, then the gifts can start again.
I am sorry, I disagree. Easy way out of this is ask the kids what they want to do. If they don't want to get a gift then that is fine. If they do, give them the money to get it. Or let them "earn" the money by doing a couple things around the house. This way it will be their money and not yours. Leave the decision up to the kids. Don't punish them by not letting them get their dad something.
I know you said he doesn't buy you anything....that is fine. If you think it hurts the kids feelings by not having something for you under the tree or whatever, give them some money to buy you something. I do this. I don't care that I am paying for my own gift, it makes the kids feel good and whatever makes them happy, makes me happy.
It is really up to how you want to handle this. Just let the kids decide for you.
Ok I will let the kids decide if they want to spend their allowance on a gift for him or not. My SIL takes the kids shopping for a gift for me. so thats taken care of.I'm gonna go get our tree this weekend we went to a farm and didn't see anything we liked so then I was gonna buy one from a lot but my son would not have anything to do with that idea so we are going this weekend to Imlay city for one..It should be fun.. thanks for the ideas.
