I gotta keep hope alive! OM is gone. . . .

[Spirit_of_Hope]

I had to change my name and start a new thread because a few months ago my wife was reading my logs. I haven't journaled in a long time because my sitch was getting a bit better and my wife was reading my posts.

Here is my sitch. . . . http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB2&Number=1204409&fpart=&PHPSESSID=

I will try to catch you up.

Since my wife has been in Chicago I have confronted other man. I don't recommend this but felt it needed to be done. He didn't know what was going on. He actually thought my wife and I were not living together and he was thinking about moving to Chicago. My wife blew up at me for ruining their "friendship" but has since not mentioned it (it has been about 3 months since that happened).

My wife has also admitted to the PA with the OM. It broke my heart and I have had a really hard time getting over this situation. I don't think that my wife has really let this guy go. I know that she has had some correspondence with him. . . . .like once or twice over the last 2-3 months. I saw that she has him listed in her myspace account as a person who isn't listed as her friend but to where she can keep track of him and I noticed a few weeks ago that she had an email from him in her inbox when we were sitting next to each other on the couch.

Basically, my wife still has a lot of resentment and MAJOR anger toward me for leaving her during our marriage. She says this is why she was able to have the affair because she was going to get a divorce. But since I screwed up her plan by calling the OM she is still with me.

Things have hit a rough patch over the last several weeks. We were moving in the right direction even though she refuses to go to counseling. She says that her disdain for me may take years to subside.

It is hard for me to hear this as I have tried to be very patient and give her space. Sometimes I feel that if I give her too much space that she will slip away. Is that possible??

Also, we have sex hardly ever. Probably about 4 times in 4 months. I asked her about it today. She said that she can deal with the sex but doesn't want the intimacy.

Why doesn't she want to take steps toward fixing things like going to a counselor?? I feel like we are spinning our wheels sometimes. We never talk about anything and when we do it turns into a big fight. I feel like I am pushing her away.

I think I need to brush up on my DBing since it has been about 4 months since I read the book. I was going to a counselor by myself for a couple of months but I stopped going because I felt like I was wasting $$ since I think that we need to be there together to work on things.

Sometimes I wish she would just give me a sign that she isn't going to give up on our marriage.

I think that she still longs after the OM. But on the other hand she has pretty much cut off all contact with him so that is a good sign.

In hindsight, we are in a much better place than we were three months ago. Just lately I have been much more needy and I think that I am pushing her away.

I have been trying to keep a PMA and GAL. . . . .been working out some with a buddy at work. It does help keep my mind off of things.

She says though that she just can't change her feelings. . . .i.e. she can't stop hating me for being the WAS before. I tried to affirm her feelings as much as possible.

Why don't they ever affirm our feelings?

I think I just need to be slapped around by some wise DBer's.

Any help appreciated.

Thoughts??



Thanks,
SOH

[stillhangin]

I'm certainly not one of the better dbers here but I don't think you mentioned anything about 180s. What drove yuo to be a was? what are you doing differently to "win" her back. Talking about it isn't gonna do it. Pay attention and find out what you are missing...it's pretty obvious that she isn't interested in talking at this point.

[mepicurus]

The resentment and anger is hard to deal with - it will no doubt take time and probably some work with a therapist.

But I'll echo what was just said: figure out what you need to do to be the husband she wants. Don't talk about it. Set it into motion.

Hopefully some of that will start to melt the disdain. Then things can move forward.

[ford]

hiya spirit

I think if she really felt that bad about you, she'd be gone. I mean, what is stopping her?. I think alot of it is her own guilt and embarasment of getting "caught"

my wife did the same thing after I confronted OM, that ended it on the spot. but she was sooo pissed. now she tells me it was the total humiliation that she let herself slip into the gutter and become a liar and cheat. she would turn that into anger toward me and the kids.

I gave her alot of space because when she first came home, I didn't like her and really didn't want to be around her, so that worked out well. it took about 5-6 months before she got back to her old self.

I think your sitch is better than you think

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Ford, you are right about my sitch being better than I think. I want things to be fixed right away but I know that they will take time. I just need to take care of myself and my kids and let her do what she needs to do.

I do think that if she were able to be more financially solvent solo that she would not be with me. That is just my opinion. Who knows?

I have been doing some 180's some more significant than others. I have started to take more interest in her opinion of my dress. I used to care less about how I would dress around her. She used to tell me what I looked good in and if I didn't like it I wouldn't wear it. I told her that "I was married and I didn't need to impress anyone." Now I tell her that "I am married and I only have one person to impress." I keep my hair longer now when I used to keep it short. She likes it long.

I don't let her bait me with arguements and personal attacks. She does this sometimes when she is in a bad mood and tries to get me to react to her. 90% of the time I just agree with her and say nothing to contradict and let the arguement pass. Sometimes this is very hard to do especially when she calls me an f'ing moron, etc.

I think that this week I will come up with a new 180 to work on. I will also start reading my DR book again this week.

I think that we compete with each other a lot in our marriage. . . . who is right, who is wrong, who said what, etc. . . . .My next 180 will be to not compete with her but to try to complement her.

Also, maybe I am being too loving and accessible right now. Should I stop the affection, trying to sit next to her, saying ILY, etc? I think I should. . . .definitely a form of pursuit.

What are some of the "tricks" that you have used to get the OM out of your thoughts. He pops into my thoughts at the weirdest times and starts to ruin my day.

I need to keep journaling here. I haven't done it in a while and I forgot how it liberates me some and also helps me come up with good ideas.

Any thoughts?

SOH

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Well today I was telling my wife a story about how I believe some guy took my work parking pass from my car while I ran up to my friends apartment. I was gone about 45 seconds and the guy was walking down the alley. I just wanted to tell her the story to share with her what had happened to me.

She then starts to scold me for leaving my window open and unlocked, etc. I started to tell her that I didn't need her to be critical of it and just listen and empathize with me. I told her I knew I just shouldn't have told her. Then she hangs up on me. I call back and ask her why she hung up. . . . .I stopped myself after she told me it was because of what I said. I said to her "okay, it's no big deal and not worth argueing over. I changed the subject and kept a PMA." I stopped the conflict before it started.

Why does she always want to point out what I am doing wrong?

SOH

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Well, my W was playing around on the computer last night and I hear some "chat" alerts. I casually ask her with whom she is chatting and she names a girl friend of hers. About 15 mins later I get up, go to the bedroom and comeback. I goto the couch where she is sitting and notice that she quickly minimizes her chat window. I talk to her for a second and look at her screen and notice that the OM is the person whom she is chatting with. I said, "Your chatting with OM?" She says yes but she really was chatting with her girlfriend before.

I didn't make a big deal out of it and kept my composure. I walked away, smoked a cigarette and went to bed.

Today I called her at home to check on her and she sounded distant once again. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was tired.

She sends me an email minutes later that says. . ..

"i think i am going to have to plan some way to get a weekend away....by myself. If I can get the $, I want to think about visiting one of my girlfriends soon...like this month.

i'm not feeling good at all and i feel like i'm about to hit a breaking point. and unfortunately, i think it's fostering anger and resentment towards you.

i'm not asking you, i'm letting you know what i think i need to do. i will see if i can get the money."

I replied that just to let me know the dates and I will help her get away.

I wanted so bad to bring up OM because I know that is why all of this is happening again. She hadn't had contact with him in about 2 months.

Is there a point where enough is enough when it comes to contacting OM?? I told her before that I couldn't tolerate her having contact with him and now I am letting her cross that boundary.

What do I do now?

SOH

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Well, the title of my post is now outdated.

OM is back. My wife in the last week has told me that she wants a divorce. I told her that she would have to go and do it that I would not help. I told her that I want to be married to her and see my kids every day. She said that we could remained married and just be friends. I said fine. She said maybe in a couple of years that she could have feelings for me again.

Before that she had reestablished contact with OM. She bought a plane ticket to go see him. She said that she is going to see a friend in Little Rock or go to Denver where she has only one friend . . . .OM. I know that she bought the ticket already for Denver.

She has done nothing but try to make our time together hell. She nitpicks everything that I do. I continue to keep a PMA but occasionally I can't take it and we get into arguements about our R.

I am now going to do my best to detatch. I am not going to make a big deal about her going to Denver. I can't stop her or try to keep her from going I know that will only make her resist more.

At this point I just want to be with my kids.

Any thoughts or suggestions on how I should handle the trip to see OM?? Should I just say, "Have fun." Do I voice my displeasure about it?? Do I tell the OM to stay away?? I contacted him months ago which eventually ended their relationship. She lied to him about the status of our R which really pissed OM off. I know that she is being less than truthful to OM about us.

My thinking is so clouded right now I don't know what to do!!!!!!!

[Spirit_of_Hope]

One more thing that I forgot to add. . . .

My wife told me that when she gets back from her trip that she is going to see a counselor. I didn't press the issue and told her that that was a good idea.

I am not holding my breath though as she has said that now three times and has not followed through.

What could be her motiviation going to see OM and then wanting to see a counselor??

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Well, yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy. Today I am feeling not so bad. I talked to a counselor yesterday on the phone. . . . .she is more of a Christian counselor. She always makes me feel better about what is going on. She helps me realize that my wife is very confused and has problems that do not root with me.

I am just continuing to be a good husband and father. I didn't call her today Which wasn't easy but I don't want to make myself too accessible. I have to stop pursuing her. She is the only one that will be able to realize that she is making a mistake and that her marriage vows should come first no matter what.

My counselor told me that "Every good marriage take two good FORGIVERS." I have forgiven my wife of what she has done and I will forgive my wife for what she is doing.

She just doesn't want to forgive me

I will continue to remain committed to our marriage no matter what. I know that God will eventually soften her heart and allow me back in.

Three more days until she visits other man. I have been praying that the trip will not happen. If it does happen I hope that she sees that she has a wonderful family at home.

Keep us in your prayers.

SOH