out of mlc into piecing together, Need advice!!

[25yearsmlc]

B,

I wish you were a year down the road so you could tell me how many times, each day, a memory flares up and catches your breath and you bite your tongue, b/c you don't want to ""ruin the moment" with your H, even though the memory is from HIS abandonment of you AND your c hildren and the separate life he led you know so little about, the "friends" he made and the ones you made who don't get how you could possibly take your H back "after putting [you] thru the ringer", etc. They are right, in their way. There were literally hundreds and hundreds of days and nights, and memories of them, that each contain a painful moment/hour/nightmare...

I want to know when your H tires of how long it takes for you to forgive AND forget, and how fast he goes back to his selfish or critical ways....and I pray he never does....

There are NO guarantees and there Never were...true. I gotta just relax and since I was put on this fence, actually, truth be told H is lucky I'm on the fence. Gotta say, if there were an OW i knew about, and it had lasted any real amount of time, no way could I do this at all....and yet so many on these bb do so....

The OM is kind and not pushy at all. Just saw my life, how H went nuts and kind of wondered if I was secretly a nutty psycho but got to know me thru our children, and figured out my H was in MLC and very far away. His WAW married her old boyfriend, so he knows what it's llike to have kids and be heartbroken and in that way he is a kindred spirit. But not pushing anything fast.... like I said, sometimes I think God boosts our ego just when we need it the most, or as a reminder of why we should make some decisions. Not fear based....And I AM doing my forgiveness exercises, they do help me a lot.

How has your H acknowledged some or any of the things you and I discussed about the nights/days/events/money problems/sad kids, etc.??? Did he do it at all? What are you telling the kids and what IS going on time wise with H? Is he moving back to a new job? Does he get how unhelpful things were financially, etc. Any chance YOU would uproot the kids and move to where your H was living (which is near me, as you know)? Think about that honestly and tell me what you'd do. I know you are not me, but I want to know what framework of reference to use, which lens to use, if you know what I mean. And just saying that it's a matter of the heart, isn't totally clarifying to me. I am in conflict, simply put. Thanks so much BND--
j-