out of mlc into piecing together, Need advice!!

[25yearsmlc]

Hey B,

So you know, back in '97 I was very pregnant and agreed to the original move there, (from San Antonio-which we all loved) b/c i was quitting my job anyhow, to stay at home with our 3rd, and probably last child. I knew H had only one assignment in the Army left, to pay back for med school. It was the Most loving thing I ever did for anyone, and I knew at the time that it was, and I remember trusting God and looking at it as an adventure. Granted, Fairbanks is a 10th the size of where H is now, (Anchorage) and not nearly as scenic, and actually in one of the coldest (and warmest in the summer--more extreme on both ends in Fairbanks) places as opposed to Anchorage. All true. But when we got to Fairbanks and I gave birth, shortly after, and I mean SHORTLY after, H went "native" on me and started in on the long hunts and fishing trips and blah blah blah and telling me how much he LOVED it there. Every effort I made to adjust, like auditioning and getting roles, doing stand up comedy, working at shelters, working out and going to a tanning booth, just to feel ok, (including taking anti-depressants eventually) were seen as Proof that I could in fact adjust and to just shut up about it, especially since I was no longer earning money...although unspoken at first, there was a noticable shift in "power" once I no longer got a paycheck and soon enough H came out and just said it. He bought high priced toys with no discussion, repeatedly -- a boat, an All terrain vehicle, trailer for the boat, snow machine, etc...... So I've done the adventure route, for the record.....

I know, it's been nearly a decade and he'd do things differently now, and so would/will I....I know. But I do have an adventurous streak, (I'm skydiving for my birthday next month, fyi, it is on my list of things I want to do before I die,--note the irony?)... I guess I just wanted to say that. The rest of what you wrote, I'll keep re-reading... it is good and I get it. And yet, my alternative to going off with H is not bleak to me. Finally. I have a life I enjoy here, even without H. I am not heartbroken today. Being with H is NOT the surefire way to happiness by any means... but as far as my d9, I see the value of an intact family and she loves her dad. But my d17 IS hurting from her father's departure, look at her comments, I didn't make them up and I didn't pressure her to say or feel that way. She just reacted like a normal girl who has a dad that left her just before her junior year of high school and won't be here for her last one....although he was totally present for our son's...you tell me how she is supposed to feel....in my opinion, their R will likely Never be as close as it could have been and I am sure her trust of men has been affected....and that saddens me, a lot.

BND, I also heard you about the "other man" in my life, or potentially in my life. He is a good man who deserves to be with a woman who is available. But I wonder if God didn't just send him to me to remind me, that it should NOT be fear of being alone that re-unites me and our H, but love for him and our family, and committment to the M.... So, while I fear reuniting and being hurt again, I will NEVER be terrified of being left alone again in the same way. So maybe I am not risking as much....??? Yep I am. B/C if H flips again, I will feel like an idiot...but I guess not for very long, huh? B/c I would certainly EXIT stage left, before H could blink twice, if he goes nuts again... okay, no need to decide today by noon....
thanks, a lot.
j-