out of mlc into piecing together, Need advice!!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear LL,

I don't know what's in my heart, or what's there is in conflict. Hey, AZ is sunny at least. And I don't know what you mean by "great" job for your H. I do think a kid finishing HS in one place or at least the last 3 years, is very good for them for roots and self esteem. I've been a military member and wife and moved a lot. It wears on the ego to be the new kid too often. Our son got to have his 3 years in one place, for the first time in 9 years for him...so there is NO way I'd leave d17 now or make her leave. IF I go up there for a job, I'll defer it so as not to destabilize her anymore than she already has been. her grades dropped her junior year (oh btw, guess what year H left????? One month before her junior year....gotta let that go too) so even though she has good SATs and "decent" grades, she is out of the Ivy league running now, which her brother attends. Not too fair. But none of this was. And as I said, H is not a bad man. he is a flawed human who has made some poor choices the past 2 years and didn't have any, or enough close friends telling him right from wrong, One good friend tried, more than once, so I have to recall that with warmth. There are those guys out there. Anyhow, once H saw that I really didn't want to go there and was saying "no" firmly, to something he wanted, for the First time in our M, he obviously didn't take it well. Seething, resenting and then deceiving....you know, if he'd come out and told me of his fears about not handling the gruelling hours of the OR with transplant cases, etc. and his fear that he only has a few (less than 10) years left to earn our nest egg, b/c he can't keep up the long hours for another decade, I would have heard him....but he never could admit things like fear....so it all just looked so selfish. And the PROCESS of making the choices is for me, MORE important than the actual decisions made. No one cares about the color of the car as much as being asked what color they prefer....know what I mean?

So, you are assuming your H wants the job more than anything else b/c nothing else is as important as HIS job....incredible and crazy and selfish--it all seems to be....and yet I wonder how much of this is a guy thing. It's as if they fear aging and never having made "it" or never finding the "secret to life" and the secret is, there is NO secret. Live as well as you can now, since now is all you can have control over. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is promised to no one..... Men have burdens we lack, in some ways. Increased expectations from society about earnings/protecting us, being sensitve and loving one minute only to have to (theoretically at least) be ready to defend their family's the next minute, including maybe killing. It's a dichotomy that is unfair to men today. But then, some men are so afraid of really giving us a choice, so afraid the answer might be no, they stop asking and just start taking. If H had not dragged lies into this process, the job offer up there alone would have gotten me there, PROBABLY, for at least a try. But with his idiocy of the past, I am sort of paralyzed about signals and safety, etc.

I don't know of another Woman in our sitch, but assume you have one (OW) and that changes things emotionally, a lot, needless to say. What's up with that? Other kids? I have not read your post....I will.

And for now, other than trying to help other here, which DOES help us too, I have to figure out what my heart is telling me. My mc said today for me to KNOW one thing at least, that I CAN AND LIKELY WILL BE FINE and happy without H, living here with someone else who could/would love me....He reassured me that I shouldn't fear the statistics of women over 40, etc. and that helps me a lot some days. Other days I don't care about being single forever, as long as I have friends. Single may well not mean lonely. I am still considered quite attractive and am in good shape, just to be clear. I also know that won't last forever and I can already sense the curiosity about face lifts down the road, growing in me....hey, I live in southern california....Don't judge until you live near Cindi Crawfords all around you. Of course, that was an advantage of Alaska. Since I shave my legs AND brush my teeth, and have most of my teeth, when I visit up there I immediately leap two or three levels UP in looks so a 7 in looks becomes a 9...the opposite of LA.....

thanks for posting and let me know what you are doing. you sound as if the non-chalance of your H's view about leaving with or without you is so hurtful it puts quite a damper on the desire to uproot everyone, not to mention his OW issue. Maybe the move was a geographical proposal of his to escape the sitch with her and you? Anyhow, don't think moving there alone will be such a blast for him. God knows, my H is lonely. I know the advantages of watching chick flicks and leaving underwear around where he can't complain and I KNOW he has those advantages and less family responsiblitly and the unfairness of that, etc. But I know something more important too. I have our children and our friends and if I had to choose between his life, as it is today and as it will be down the road with our kids when they all grow up, I'd take my life anytime. H has lost so much more than I have and may never know that. But isn't the important part, that WE know it??? I do. And maybe one reason H is apparently coming around, is b/c he is starting to feel left out of th good stuff and he IS, since he is not here for it. ....so I call with some problems if they're important for him to know, but I make more of an effort to mention the fun things we do or are planning, small and big trips, getting the tree up and decorated, getting college letters in and applications out and visiting the campuses and maybe sending a text message out to him hinting at the blast we had....he gets it sometimes. He flew down early last week, so he could make our d17's show, which I directed, btw. She was a hit and performed so well, she is a gifted actress and as tears rolled down her face in her monologue (from "To Gillian on her 37th Birthday") the entire audience was crying or totally silent and she got a standing ovation.....she was also in some hilarious comedic pieces but it was clearly "her" night, if you know what I mean. H was there and quite proud, and happy he made it. I was glad too. For her mostly, but for him too....he has missed so much he'll never be able to make up for. BUt we are the luckier ones. You have a great job, and I have in the past, and will again but 'ain't no way" I regret the times with the kids over any of my jobs....

keep on keepin' on and let me know what and how you decide, and whether you get a bolt of lightning, etc.
j-