You are on to something. My seperation really opened my eyes to some issues with myself. I went to work on them and became very happy with who I am now. I was grateful for that even before my Wife told me she wantd to work on reconciliation.
Candidly, when my wife moved out I don't think she thought I would change or address the things I needed to. When I did it she would not acknowledge the changes for a long time because it was not what she expected and it went against her decision to move out. It takes a lot of courage for them to leave, so I think the classic WAW behavoir is to not acknowledge anything that does not support or validate their decision to leave. Just keep it up, you gotta wear them down and it takes time.
You are on to something. My seperation really opened my eyes to some issues with myself. I went to work on them and became very happy with who I am now. I was grateful for that even before my Wife told me she wantd to work on reconciliation.
Candidly, when my wife moved out I don't think she thought I would change or address the things I needed to. When I did it she would not acknowledge the changes for a long time because it was not what she expected and it went against her decision to move out. It takes a lot of courage for them to leave, so I think the classic WAW behavoir is to not acknowledge anything that does not support or validate their decision to leave. Just keep it up, you gotta wear them down and it takes time.
kidsaver
KS,
I'm having so much fun with myself and being the real me. W has taken notice, but I have my back slide moments. What about you, did you have a lot of back slide moments? If so how did you handle them and how did your W handle them?
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
Oh yeah, I had plenty of backslide moments. You have to just get back up, dust yourself off and get back with the program. It is a marathon not a sprint!
When, I would backslide my wife would always say you have not changed but she was just validating her decision to move out. Eventually she ackowledged and appreciated the changes. Pay more attention to her actions than her words.
When, I would backslide my wife would always say you have not changed but she was just validating her decision to move out. Eventually she ackowledged and appreciated the changes. Pay more attention to her actions than her words.
kidsaver
Her actions are the key, her words have been all over the place, just like my emotions and my actions! W called me two times today on my cell and once at the office, I never answered the calls and she never left a message. It must not have been important enough for her to leave a message.
I just got back from getting a pedicure, W always told me to get one for the last 10 years, but I never did until today. I was thinking how was I going to let her know without calling or Telling her. So I used the credit card that she pays for and she will see the charge from Hollywood Nail and Spa. So when she ask me what did I get there I will tell her that I got a pedicure, sweet!!! This might get her thinking (Why in the hell is he getting a pedicure?)
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
Did W ever tell you that she wanted a D? My WAW said today that she wanted a D and that she had talked to a L. I told her if that's what she needed to do, that's fine. I told her I'm going to let her know how I feel and I told her that I wanted to date her and have a good time going out like we did for breakfast in NY. I also told her that I wanted to reconcile, she said that she didn't want to come home to the same old M. I told her that I wanted our old M to die and wanted to resurrect a new M. She's still telling me that the changes are just to get her back and that she was tired of feeling alone and unloved. I told her that washing her car before mine and cleaning hers better than mine is love. Putting a towel in the dryer while you are in the shower and giving you a warm towel when you step out is love. Bringing you candy or getting you an outfit on the way home from work is love. I also told her that I had to learn how to express love and that I had no examples growing up as a child. The interactions between men and women are learned and we need some sort of guide, love and romance is not intuitive, it's learned!
So, it looks like I’m going to have to go cold and distant for a while. So called me twice after we went our separate ways, I didn’t answer either call. But I did send her a TM to see if she was ok, she never answered me.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
Quote: So called me twice after we went our separate ways, I didn’t answer either call. But I did send her a TM to see if she was ok, she never answered me.
Personally I think being too dark like that can come across in a very negative way, like you could care less. Especially given the two of you had just been together. She knew you'd have your phone so missing the first one was an annoyance, ignoring the second was dismissive at the least. Then to TM? TMs are rather impersonal so I think the better strategy would be to wait a short bit and call back. Again just my 2 cents worth here.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
You gave W some great examples of you showing your love. You also explained why this love thing is a struggle for you. We do learn through watching relationships while growing up and if all we have to go by are crappy ones then we are kind of SOL until we can trial and error our way to the right place. Even so, nobody is perfect as is no R and her having expectations otherwise is not practical.
I am sorry about your day, I know it was hard on you. The calls from the W may have been positive or she may have just wanted to talk more since you were sharing such deep and sensible explanations to her complaints.
Quote: So called me twice after we went our separate ways, I didn’t answer either call. But I did send her a TM to see if she was ok, she never answered me.
Personally I think being too dark like that can come across in a very negative way, like you could care less. Especially given the two of you had just been together. She knew you'd have your phone so missing the first one was an annoyance, ignoring the second was dismissive at the least. Then to TM? TMs are rather impersonal so I think the better strategy would be to wait a short bit and call back. Again just my 2 cents worth here.
CF, thanks for the reply and your $0.02, anything helps.
Today I was away from my phone and I didn't mean to miss her calls. Yesterday was a different story. I forgot to mention that I tried to call her back at work and they said that she had a Dr. appt. and that's why I asked if she was ok.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
I think that her expectations are unrealistic and very impractical, she never had a chance to experience what another guys is like because we got together so young. We saw each other today and then she call after I left from visiting with her. She knows my back ground and where I came from and I never felt unconditional love from my family and I've learned all of this because I wanted to be a better husband and a better man. I had to work my @$$ off to get to where I am, I don't want to share my hard work with another woman!
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
Yes my wife did mention D at a couple different points. Each time I said I didn't want one, but I couldn't stop her from filing if she wanted to. I also told her I would never file so if she wanted a D she would have to do it. Each time she agree to give it more time but gave me it's hopeless attitude. She made excuses a couple of times about how she didn't have the money for a lawyer which was BS because I gave her enough money each month to hire 3 lawyers but she chose to spend it on something else. I always took that as a good sign (paying attention to their actions more than their words). In retrospect at times I think she thought she wanted a D but when it came down to it, she could not pull the trigger or deep down she wanted the marriage to work but she just did not see it happening.
That being said she was hinting at a D just a couple of weeks before she initiated the reconciliation. So at the end of the day I think she was confused and scared and the guilt of breaking up our family was too much for her.
