" Once a cheater, always a cheater " I have heard this line for as long as I can remember, and now that I am faced with my wife having cheated, and the possibility of reconcilliation, I seem to hear it from everybody who knows that my wife cheated on me. It's as if they are telling me that I am a fool for working on saving our marriage. I cheated on my first wife. When I did, and I didn't feel the guilt that I always thought I would, I knew that I had to get out. It's the one big skeleton in my closet, and I swore to myself that I wouldn't do it again. It's also something that my wife used to throw in my face when she got suspicious of me. But I didn't cheat on her, even in times where she was withdrawn from me and not sleeping with me for months. So, now that we are somewhat closer to working things out, I have to take this into consideration. What do you think about that statement ???
I'm sure there are many multiple cheaters out there; however, there are many more of us one timers too.
People make mistakes. We lie. We cheat. We steal. The key to life is learning from your F-ups and making yourself a better person so you do not make the same mistake twice.
If you can put your wife in that category and want to work on your marriage and she does to, you will be OK.
My wife just learned of my affair. She may very well leave. I don't know. The one thing I am certain of is that I will NEVER cheat again. I already burned my hand on the stove. I a'int that bright, but I know it hurts.
thank you both for your post. Amy, I think, by your firey response (man up and think for your own damned self ! ) that you took my attitude the wrong way. I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself or doubting that she can be faithful. I know that I and everyone else on this board believes that The statement is not always true. If we didn't then we wouldn't be here. Instead we'd all have given up and moved on to the next person. jokerman, I think that your answer is a very good one and mirrors my own beliefs. However your line about remorse does bring up one doubt that I have about my own situation. My wife SAYS that she is remorseful, yet she still is involved , in one way or another, with the OM. Now you can tell me your sorry, and you'd take it back if you could all you want, however, if you continue to do it, then you have lost all credibility when you say that. Amy, I like you, becouse you shoot strait ! I had been thinking about that statement, becouse of so many poeple saying it to me lately. It would take me a long time to explain to them why I'd disagree. I wanted to start a dialog on the board about it, and it looks like It's getting off to a pretty good start. Would anybody on this board agree with the statement ?
I might say Once a liar, always a Liar.... Not sure about the cheating part. Although my H did cheat in my opinion, he has never and will never admit any wrong doing. But he has always continued to lie to me about everything. I feel that once a lie is told, so many more must come after to protect the first lie, so it is just a never ending web of lies...
On remorse, I have been aware that my H has never felt remorse or regret for what he did, and it is so sad, because he truly hurt me and I have told him how much he was hurting me, but he kept doing it anyway - this is why I have come to realize that this man is not right for me...
I believe if there is true remorse then the marriage may be salvagable, but if no remorse, it is not worth saving... These are just my opinions, but I like the discussion...
Mommyhurting, I think I would have to agree with you on all of that.I need to see some remorse for how she hurt me. I need to know that she would never want to make that same mistake again. I told her several times that the only thing I felt she regreted was the fact that she got caught.
Think of it like an addiction. A drunk may hate what he has become. He may say, "one last drink then I am done." But that does not always happen.
I do think she has to show you some progress. She has to.
Ending affairs are tough. Very tough.
It's up to you my man. Either say F it and walk or fight. You cannot choose what she does or does not do. You can only choose what you are going to do.
I will tell you that if my wife would have said F it in the summer, I would be a single man now. That being said, there is a theshold of what you can put up with. Only you can answer that.
Doesn't it also matter how often she cheats? My wife cheated once just before we got married, then not for nearly 20 (mostly good) years. The time she spent with me and the support she showed during them more than made up for her long ago one nighter - If your wife cheats again and again, that is another kettle of fish - It seems to me that the amount of regret, if any, willingness to work on your marriage, again if any, and commitment to you (time, energy, emotion) as compared to the third party is a good gauge of where you are going. I do think that everyone has the potential for cheating in them, but that it is controllable, a choice, and so that once a cheater always a cheater does not apply. People can change - and peoples' libidos are not always the supreme motivator -
It might also be worth asking why she cheated? Is there something lacking in your marriage that you can fix? Novelty and humor are supposed to be two potent forces for keeping marriages working.
My two cents - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
There are some very good comments being made here. As far as the understanding why she cheated, I do, and I have written about all of that in my 1st thread ( newcomer needs advice) and I have also accepted 50% responsibility for the situation being as it was when she began her affair.
quote: "It seems to me that the amount of regret, if any, willingness to work on your marriage, again if any, and commitment to you (time, energy, emotion) as compared to the third party is a good gauge of where you are going"
AMEN BROTHER ! My wife says that she is no longer sleeping with OM, however they do at least talk on the phone still. This is unacceptable to me, and dilutes any regret she may claim.
