Just getting started piecing it back

[jersting]

Forgive me if I am somehow wrong, but when you're married, there should be a WHOLE lot more "us" and a whole lot less her/me when it comes to finances. You understand that while married, you basically are one person in terms of debt, etc. This whole idea of you bailing her out makes no sense to me and if you approached it this way with her, I can understand how she may have felt disconnected and looked down on. Sure, she may have overspent but your financial situation, whether it's her spending or yours is BOTH your problems and anything that gets done to bail you BOTH out...well, you get my point.

It seems like at least in this one area, you treated your W like a child. Her possibly acting like one is another story but it sounds to me like you never accepted her as an equal when it came to making financial decisions and that may have caused a lot of resentment in her. I know it did in my W and it took years for me to figure this out (long before the A and all this crap).

Yep, I cannot deny I have been an idiot in this part of our M. One of the things I am having the hardest time making myself right with.

I know you went on to say you listened, etc. That's good. Did you also validate her?

still trying to get better at this.

Don't ask what her "problem" is. Be more compassionate and also more intelligent about this. You KNOW she's looking for a fight, and right about now so are you. You also know that she's feeling down. SO, instead of confronting her on her "issues", why not say "You sound upset right now and seem to be taking it out on me. I want to be there for you but I don't really like how you're talking to me. If you want to talk without being rude, I am here for you, but for now, I need to go."

OK got it

Bull$hit x1000. You wanted to talk to her. Period. Whatever you wanted to ask her could have waited till the morning. You know it, I know it and she knows it. You either wanted to talk to her OR, as I suspect is the case, you wanted to see if she was really going to sleep. Geezus.

I get it, I just can't get this right for some reason.

Because either you are a masochist or you are serious about getting help. You HAVE to post the bad with the good in order to get any real help at all...and then learn to stand tall and take those 2x4s when they come your way.

Thank you, I was actually laughing at myself as I read through all of this. I don't mean that I was not taking this seriously, I was just laughing at what an idiot I can be. I have to have someone point out to me what I think I already know.
Not sure where I am with W, but with your help, I will get better for me.