Just getting started piecing it back

[toughlover]

said on more than one occasion that I would NOT TAKE THE LAST YEAR BACK EVEN IF I COULD.

Same here!

Here are some things (in hopes of encouraging you that this stuff can work) that have made it great for me/us:

At the very least, the sheer agony of it all has made me damn sure I don't ever want to be in that kind of position again no matter what.

Also, and my W and I discussed this, we feel like we've gone through/are going through hell and are paying/have paid such a high price to make whatever progress we've made that it would be very difficult for either of us to do something too foolish to throw it all away. Now, I've done some foolish things in conversing with her, and I've taken some risks and called her on some things that may not be the best DB'ing in the world, but there you have it.

Probably what helped me the most in terms of pragmatic stuff was just getting my own act together. It made a difference for my W but by the time it did, it didn't matter so much.

My W's behavior repulsed me. And that got even worse for me as I got stronger as an individual. And what THAT did was make me realize that if she was going to continue with the nonsense, lying, cheating, etc., if she wanted someone like that instead of me, then I didn't want her anymore anyway. But that was because I knew the kind of person I'd become/was becoming. I knew I was worth it even if it wasn't what she wanted. And that was the turning point.

What it did was set me heading off in my own direction to become the best I could be regardless of what she did. That included doing things for her around the house, but not to get something in return. Rather, I decided what kind of husband and father I wanted to be, what my actions would be, and then just did them. The rest of the time, I GAL.

She ended up noticing in a big way, and it made a HUGE difference in how she responded to me, because at that point I was loving her out of my strength, and she saw I had something to offer, not out of my need or hurt or anything. So we could truly start sharing with each other and complementing each other's strengths and weaknesses rather than sucking the life out of each other.

Now, our faith in God had a huge role in this as well. But the principles are the same. Once I detached and did that, all of a sudden I was stronger than she was and she knew it. And she came to rely on my strength. Life became an adventure (for us, again, it had a lot to do with God) that we could embark on together, and that was important.

I'm not going to say it's been perfect since then. It hasn't. I've still made mistakes here and there. Things aren't as we want them. But they're better than we've ever had, and getting better every day. It's better than it would have been with her OM because our family is together and our children are doing great.

I think that if there's any hope at all, you simply need to do what GH said, do the DB stuff, and in doing so your light will shine and will help your wife find her way back to you and your new journey together, cause the old one is gone.