Hopefully you won't take GH's tough love the wrong way - I cannot think of anything he has said below that is off the mark...
In fact, this has so many echo's of what it took for me to save my M, I don't know where to begin. I recall all too well the anger and frustration I was feeling post bomb and even as we started to piece - I REALLY wanted an explanation of what, why, blah, blah - BUT, I followed DR/DB incessantly and avoided R talks (at a minimum I NEVER initiated them). When W was ready to talk about it I came from a position of strenght and honor - listened, understood and moved on - as hard as that might be.
Then, a month or so back, she came clean on a fact I was fully aware of - that all the while, she was "keeping" me in the wings (going to MC even while seeing the OM, etc.) because deep down she wanted it to work between us - that I was CLEARLY the better choice - but that I needed to prove it to her. And I have and it continues to be a work in process.
GH hits on it precisely in his last sentence. You must become the clear choice and the rest will follow so what actions ENSURE that you are that choice? Do your present actions help solidify this?
Look, we do need to drop ultimatums of sorts - in order to keep things moving forward. I delivered a Paul and Anne 180 (from Michelles KLA program) back in Jan/Feb whereby I said I prefered to stay married but it would seem that we cannot and it was as if an H bomb went off - at first she cried (it was during an MC session) and I did NOT turn back - I did not initiate R talks afterwards, etc. Went semi-dark (we have three fantastic kids so no way for me to go completely dark). It was liberating for me for right then and there, I moved from need to want and it became the frame for everything I do.
I too think you need to decide what you really WANT and if it is to save your M - tailor ways that achieve that goal.
Anyway, take GH's 2X4 and use it for support - there is great advice there. I hope you see it that way too....
Good luck, we're here for you.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
I second that. I too hope you understand that I am trying to help, even if it's just to stir the pot so-to-speak.
I know you're trying and that this is VERY hard stuff to do but I also know that you HAVE to want to make this work in order for it to. Don't give up. You CAN do this.
Hi jersting. I certainly can't give you any better advice than what GH and Sven have given, but I wanted to chime in w/ a few things:
1) Not to be an a$$ about it, but I would really, really like to have the sitch you have, as opposed to say, the one I currently have. I can certainly understand your frustration at your sitch, and wanting the uncertainty to end, but I can tell you that being in a state where it looks like the uncertainty is over doesn't feel too good either. I think you have a good chance at reconciliation, especially if you can follow the advice of GH/Sven.
2) I know you can do this too. You've been strong before, stay the course.
3) Your thread is showing up on my screen funny. It must be ~3-400 characters before the text wraps. Don't know why this is, but it's a little hard to read....
Take care, jersting.
Listen, absorb and act upon the advice GH gives.
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
ok fellas I needed the 2x4s to get me back on track. I have to admit, that I sometimes wonder if I want to save this with the way she is toward me, but on the flip of the coin, I know that our marriage was great at one time and it can be again. I know that divorce will be alot tougher than this so I know I want the marriage, but I do have some mixed emotions right now that I need to get through. I hear what you guys are saying to me and I appreciate you jumping on board to help me. I think everything will be fine, just don't give up on me and please help keep me on track. thank you
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
Does she deserve it? maybe not, but that's not the point, we, the LBS, are in the position of deciding to love the "unlovable", it took me a few weeks to realize what I had to do, to decide to be happy for me and that I could wait for my H.
It is a hard pill to swallow, we all know where you are coming from, sometimes it takes us a while to understand what we must do. Decide each day to fight for your M to the bitter end, face the dragon of fear and slay it each times it comes to you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: Your thread is showing up on my screen funny. It must be ~3-400 characters before the text wraps. Don't know why this is, but it's a little hard to read....
I don't know what I may have done to cause that.
Quote: but I would really, really like to have the sitch you have, as opposed to say, the one I currently have. I can certainly understand your frustration at your sitch, and wanting the uncertainty to end, but I can tell you that being in a state where it looks like the uncertainty is over doesn't feel too good either.
I have been following your sitch and I am sorry it is the way it is for you. I wish I could help, but I do pray for you when I am praying.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if I done the right thing tonight... W usually picks son up at my work after school, but today I had some running to do so I tried to call and tell her I would have him at home when she got there. She was on the phone talking to who I think to be OM. She would not answer phone. I seen her on way to house and flaged her told her I had son and I would take him to house.
this is part if I wonder if I did right.
She pulled in drive behind us, I waited for her to get out of car. I gave her peck on lips and she let me. I went into house with her to pick up my mail. I hugged her, she hugged back and gave me a kiss on cheek. I then said see you later and left.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
Quote: sometimes it takes us a while to understand what we must do. Decide each day to fight for your M to the bitter end,
Last night I called to talk to kids and when I finished talking to them we just hung up. My wife called me back a little while later and we just talked, no R talk just talk. I got to where I was going and I said that if she wanted to talk more, she could call me later. I wanted to call her so bad around 9 because she usually goes to bed around this time. I held back, my phone rang twice after 9 and I hoped it was her but neither call was. I had given up on her. Sometime after 10 my phone rang and I didn't think it would be her but it was. We talked for a while and I think she enjoyed the conversation. At the end of the conversation I told her that some of the books I was reading said not to say ILY to her because it could make her uncomfortable. I asked if this was the case and she said sometimes it does and some times it doesn't. So now I think that I should not say it, but I'm not sure if she wants me to or not. Any advice?
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
First off...the advice GH and Sven and the other gave is right on.
And I want to highlight this point: Yes, it IS hard as she recognizes...if you can do your best to be the person you need to be regardless of what she gives or doesn't give, and in doing so make the process easier (i.e., less pressure or negativity from your end), you will see results if she's got any interest at all in rebuilding things. It may take a while but it'll pay off.
As far as the ILY go, I'd make it a rule of thumb to lay low with that for a while. Don't tell her; show her by being polite, light, respectful, helpful, and fun. If she's at all receptive you could drop one in once in a blue moon, but I wouldn't make a habit of it for now.
Be the kind of person she wants to hear it from first. I suspect once enough time passes, that part will take care of itself.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Just read this thread and I hope you've read it several times. GH and others have given you a great deal of wisdom that I'm going to venture a guess that you only absorbed a part of it.
Obviously when we are in such a tough emotional state we have a really hard time thinking straight. It kicks in some biological responses that quite simply deprive our brain of blood flow. I've found that my own intelligence level feels like it's been at about half capacity for the last two years. It was literally a constant thing as if being in a fight or flight circumstance every minute of every day.
I don't know how consistent this is with everyone in this sitch but I would venture to guess that everyone, including the WAS, experiences this.
When we are in this state we very often look right past the solutions because we are clutching at what we feel should be solutions.
The solutions are in GH's post. Read them over and over.
If I can add only one more thing. Consider DB your secret weapon. There is no reason to discuss DB tactics with your wife. There is reason not to. Just do it, don't talk about it. They are for you.
