Hopefully you won't take GH's tough love the wrong way - I cannot think of anything he has said below that is off the mark...
In fact, this has so many echo's of what it took for me to save my M, I don't know where to begin. I recall all too well the anger and frustration I was feeling post bomb and even as we started to piece - I REALLY wanted an explanation of what, why, blah, blah - BUT, I followed DR/DB incessantly and avoided R talks (at a minimum I NEVER initiated them). When W was ready to talk about it I came from a position of strenght and honor - listened, understood and moved on - as hard as that might be.
Then, a month or so back, she came clean on a fact I was fully aware of - that all the while, she was "keeping" me in the wings (going to MC even while seeing the OM, etc.) because deep down she wanted it to work between us - that I was CLEARLY the better choice - but that I needed to prove it to her. And I have and it continues to be a work in process.
GH hits on it precisely in his last sentence. You must become the clear choice and the rest will follow so what actions ENSURE that you are that choice? Do your present actions help solidify this?
Look, we do need to drop ultimatums of sorts - in order to keep things moving forward. I delivered a Paul and Anne 180 (from Michelles KLA program) back in Jan/Feb whereby I said I prefered to stay married but it would seem that we cannot and it was as if an H bomb went off - at first she cried (it was during an MC session) and I did NOT turn back - I did not initiate R talks afterwards, etc. Went semi-dark (we have three fantastic kids so no way for me to go completely dark). It was liberating for me for right then and there, I moved from need to want and it became the frame for everything I do.
I too think you need to decide what you really WANT and if it is to save your M - tailor ways that achieve that goal.
Anyway, take GH's 2X4 and use it for support - there is great advice there. I hope you see it that way too....
Good luck, we're here for you.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
