A bit of the stick is comming out today. Sorry in advance.
I wonder if you read what I wrote to you and what you thought of it. I tend to get long winded sometimes but I'd like to think most of it may be useful to you, or at the very least, gets you to think (even if it's 'that GH is full of $hit). Do you have any response to my last post?
Anyway, if you did read that, you either reject most of what I had to say, or you don't get it.
I'll try again. I am looking for a dialog with you to see if anything I am saying is making sense or if you think I am way off base...
She doesn't need to be forced to make a decision right now.
Why would a woman who isn't sure she wants to get back with you fight to keep you from walking away? Do you really want the reason she stays with you to be fear or love?
Quote: She said she was waiting for me to call.
That's because she KNOWS you will call. She knows because she thinks you can't help yourself, and you can't. If she said she'd call you, let her call you. DON'T CALL HER. You want to take the step to "walk away from her" but you can't take the much smaller step of being much less available to her so she understands what that will be like? Sounds like the cart before the horse to me.
Quote: Then she said she didn't know if she was ready to work on this. she said it shouldn't be this hard for us to get together and it must not be right. She thinks we went at it too much too fast.
She thinks WE want it too much too fast, or that YOU want it too much too fast? Is she saying she wants it but is confused about her feelings or did she really mean you are pushing too hard? In either case, it sounds like she is NOT ready to give up yet. People that are ready to give up just do, they don't talk about it, especially to the one they're giving up on.
Quote: She was sad, mad, hurt and tired of fighting.
Anger, sadness, pain and fighting are NOT the opposite of love, apathy is. Sounds to me like she still cares and is tired of caring because it hurts too much...yet she can't help it.
Quote: She said that she didn't think that I was trying either and that maybe we should not be together. She said she loved me and knew that but she just didn't know if she wanted to work on this right now.
That implies that SHE is trying? Oh, and newsflash that she isn't sure you should be together.
She doesn't know if she wants to work on this right now because it's hard. There is SO much anger and resentment that it makes it hard to want to be around you, let alone get back into a marriage with you. You HAVE to understand this. Until she sees you/the marriage as THE safe, best place to be, she won't WANT to be there and that's not good.
Calm down, take a breath and LISTEN to her. She is telling you what she wants both with what she IS saying and what she is NOT saying. She doesn't want to feel like she's trying. She wants to feel love. She wants to feel passion, but not the sort that feels more like need than want. She wants to BE safe and BE happy, not just feel like it's a distant possibility.
Quote: I said I didn't want to talk any more and I had to go.
And then....
Quote: I went to house late last night and woke her up to talk to me.
Um...guy, you need to understand that desperation, need, sadness, etc, are not a way to a woman's heart. I know it's REALLY hard to project anything else, but the least you can do is to avoid these kinds of overt displays of neediness. She could have waited until tomorrow to talk. YOU said you needed to stop talking. Leave it at that.
BTW, there is a part of the DB philosophy that directly says not to have R talks. That is a part of the book you need to re-read.
A wise woman once told me that there are many things in life, and in these sitches that only need to be said once. Many of the things you keep saying to her are sincere the first time, desperate, coercive words the next dozen times you say them to her. She KNOWS what you want and she KNOWS how badly she hurt you. To keep talking about all these issues is not helping and IMHO, only serves to keep her feeling bad about the situation, which is not what you want.
Quote: replied because our marriage is hanging by a string.
And it hasn't been? Why was this night's thread SO much more delicate that it needed immediate attention? Not only do you not have R talks, but you certainly don't go that far out of your way to do so.
Like I said, I know you wanted her to know you cared, but she already knows that. She just needs to SEE and FEEL what that caring/love is going to do for her. Is it going to breed necessary change in you or just keep you dependant/needy/hurt over her? Can you use this to pick yourself up, or will she feel she has to do that as well as mend all the wounds SHE has?
Quote: I asked why she was pushing me away and she said she didn't know.
Because after all this time of trying (in her mind) she doesn't trust the R you two had. Maybe she is pushing you away because she doesn't trust you/the marriage.
Quote: She said I screwed up the night she came and told me she wanted us to stay together, she said I should not have let her leave. (i tried to stop her, but she said we would get together later).
Grasping at straws here...it seems like, like my W and according to OT and other women on this board, your W is looking for decisive action born out of love and passion FOR HER. "Don't let me leave" she said. In your mind, you're thinking "But I want to respect your wishes and you wanted to leave so I let you." You were trying to do the right thing and it's REALLY hard to know when doing something like preventing her from leaving would be the right thing rather than doing as she asks, but she's telling you that it is. She's telling you that she needed to FEEL like you didn't want her to go, not just think it. She already THINKS it.
Quote: I asked if she wanted me to walk away from her and she said she didn't know. I hugged her before I left and told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and that I would love her forever, but I can't stay in this sitch any longer. I turned and walked out. I think I heard her sob a little as I was walking away. I have full intentions of walking away from her now and see if she trys to stop me.
Again, sorry for the 2x4 but it seems strange that the first action you take in standing up for what you want is to get up and leave. That's what SHE did and look where you are now. Be stronger than that.
Look, it comes down to this, and this alone. Either you want to be married or you want to be right. You either want to love her or you don't. You can't have it both ways. You ARE right. She DID hurt you, but if that's more important to you than keeping this marriage alive, then walk now.
If you want to make this work, you have to redirect some of that strength you THINK you are using to walk away and use it to get control over yourself.
Figure out what YOU want and if it's to be with this woman, then you can't walk away, at least not yet.
Quote: If she does not try to stop me I will know that she does really want the divorce
Um, no, you only know that she didn't try to stop you. Could be because she isn't sure that's what she wants, or that OM is out there waiting for her and LOOKS like a better option, or she simply couldn't swallow her pride enough to call out to you.
