Well he came over today to spend some time with the boys. It's so hard to not want to share my thoughts and feelings with him. As soon as he left I broke down and cried my eyes out. I think it would be easier to work on our friendship and to relax if I knew that he wasn't going to her after he left (he's still staying with the OW). It just tears me up to know where and who's he going to be with tonight. He has agreed to go to counseling this week. I'm hoping that it will give him some insight, also for myself. I know that I have changed and learned alot from this experience and would never be who I was. But I know I have alot more changing to do and figuring out how I am or we are ever going to rebuild that trust. I really wonder if I'll ever see him in the same light again. Last time (5 years ago)it was alot more easier because of the way he came back, he made it seem like she meant nothing to him and that he was truly sorry. And was willing to do anything to win my heart and trust back. This time he's skeptical, I think it is because he's worried that I will not change my bad ways and revert back to who I was and I'm afraid that he actually loves this girl. Which hurts the most because for the last 8 years I have never given my heart to anyone else but my husband. I met someone else also after our last seperation, when I finally decided to let go and moved away. But still I never gave my heart to anyone but him. Is it possible that he may think he loves her but to realize it later that it wasn't true love but lust?
I'm trying my best to have patience with him. To give him time to realize things. He seemed to have changed a bit since the last 3 months, but I'm afraid to have my hopes up high and be crushed again like when he came home for 2 weeks. Currently, I am totally emotionally drained and getting to the point at times of giving up. I know I love him and will always love him. And really wish that we can do things right this time and keep our marriage strong. I know that we can if he really tried because I know what I am willing to do on my part to change and to rebuild our marriage. But with him not wanting to end the AF, his skeptism about us & for his feelings for me, and not giving a 100% worries me. I don't understand the cheating, how anyone would want to hurt someone that they know who cares so deeply for them, no matter what the situation is. I'm afraid after knowing what he is capable of doing and how he can have a change of heart, that I will always wonder if he will love me as I love him. I'm afraid that it will happen again or he will continue to lie to me if he does come back and continue seeing her. I'm afraid he is coming back for the wrong reasons, guilt, the children, or for financial security. I'm afraid that he won't realize what he almost lost, or what he did was wrong and so destructive to our family. And is something he will never ever do again. I know that this his last chance, I will not for a fact take him back no matter how bad it hurts if this happens again years from now. Then I'll know that it's a pattern and life is to short to be repeating the same pains over and over again. There's so much fears also on my part too and we have a long ways to go to from recovering from all this turmoil. But I hope that is a true attempt on his part in taking the 1st step of realization of how much love he has here at home with his family and the possibilites of making it through all this. And to find happiness and love within our marriage. I just hope that things will be piecing together for us and that we will never ever be at his point again and to really learn from all this pain. One last question, how do you work on your marriage but at the same time prepare yourself to let go if things go for the worst????
