Hallo Coca-crikey what a name! Take three really deep breaths before you do anything else. OK? It is really good that you have read DB/DR - and now you need to take on board what is really at the heart of them. You cannot change him; you can only change yourself . & in so far as you change yourself, you can change the situation you find yourself in - but only in so far as what relates to you.
Quote: he'll see his lost.
Can you try to turn aside from seeing what is happening between you two as a conflict of winners and losers? If you hold that thought, even if you do not express it - at a deep and subtle level he will pick it up - & no one wants to be a loser. He would feel diminished, emasculated - & you might not like the H you got back. [My wise Mother once said to me, "never try to change your H, you might change him from someone you fell in love with, to someone you don't like!"]
Quote: everytime he sees me he says it makes him remember our fights and he can't remember anything good about our marriage.
Just now, that is his truth - he cannot remember anything good: if he could he wouldnt be where he is. But perceptions can change - & that is where your DB stuff comes in. If you can rediscover girl he fell in love with, & re-introduce her to him, his full memory will come back to him, gradually. The main thing is - do not try & be the one to remind him! That is a big danger area!! Steer clear! Remember when you were first together, falling in love with him - & how carefully you handled it then, not to 'frighten him off'? You are back in that land again, only you need to be 100 times as tactful and diplomatic, because there is history between you, (which you recognise too). Stay calm, Coca - focus on your lovely children: you are sad, they are so sad too, & need you to be strong for them in their scary world. Sing to them, hold them, enjoy them - if you can be strong for them, you will be amazed at how much strength you receive back! Older-but-not-a-lot-wiser Saph
