My husband asked me for a seperation in June. This is the second time he has asked me this, which was 5 years ago. It's almost like a replay of a nightmare from the past. Both times I was in school and again he has found a 19 year old girl to cheat with. But this time it seems like there are more emotions involved and he is currently staying with the girl. Currently I am in graduate school and am about to graduate in December. In June, he told me he was unhappy and wanted a seperation. Since then I have been going in a spiral of destruction. I spent the last 3 months trying to help him realize what he has by reasoning, begging, pleading, etc. We have been married for 8 years and were married as teenagers 18 and 19. We have 2 boys, 3 and 6. I know that I have matured much faster than he has in the past few years and had to be the responsible one for the family. Now he says he is leaving me because I am too controlling, he doesn't love me anymore and loves this new girl. Of course, everything is my fault. He is so mean and cruel to me. And I've tried everything for the last 3 months desperately trying to save our marriage and family. Right now I am alone with my 2 boys playing single mom. He's not very involved at all with us and I have no way to contact him. I'm going through all the emotions from abandonment, betrayal, anger, resentment, confusion, but mostly sadness and depression. I have this constant dull aching pain in my chest and I cry everyday. I am finally able to somewhat function, like making myself go to school and taking care of my boys. At first I could hardly get out of bed and was suicidal. Why does he not see how much pain he is causing all of us? And how much destruction. Our finances are a shamble, I don't know how I am going to survive for the next few months til I graduate from school, so that I can work. I can't eat and I can't sleep. He did come back temporarily for about 2 weeks, he said that "I" deserved a 2nd chance, but it was never really a second chance. For 2 weeks all he did was treat me badly, says he has no remorse for the cheating, rubbed the cheating in my face by telling me how much she meant to him, picked at our marriage and acted like he didn't want to be with us. For 2 weeks I tried to show him that I have changed and how much I loved him and needed him to try. And finally last Thursday he left one night and didn't come home til the next day. The next day he came back and told me he was with her and I was so angry after he promised me he would end it and he ended up moving back in with her. At this time I asked him to give me time alone with the boys if this is what he really wants so that I can heal. And if he really wants a divorce he needs to go get the papers because I never wanted one. I see all the mistakes we have both made and why we have came to this point in our marriage. And all I want to do is to start over again, forgive each other, make things right, keeping the postive changes , and to keep our family together. I have read both of Michelle's books, have looked at religion, and have been going to counseling. I don't know what else to do but to let go, but part of me still has hope. I look at my two boys and I cry for them, I feel so sad when they ask if daddy is going to ever come home to our family. I tell I'm so sorry that this is happening to them. I'm hoping that by showing him that I'm trying to let go (the LRT) and by not trying to contact him or his family or friends that he'll see his lost. And hopefully his anger will subside because everytime he sees me he says it makes him remember our fights and he can't remember anything good about our marriage. The last time when he came back (the last time we had a seperation) it was because I moved away and was starting my life over again. But this time it is much harder for me to do that because we have 5 more years of memories together, 2 kids now instead of 1, and my values about marriage and family has grew stronger since then. Please help me, I would like to speak to anyone who is going through a similar situation. I need some insight and support. And I would like to give the same in return. It's so hard to talk to my family and friends because they have grown tired of me talking about the same thing and don't understand the pain and why I am still trying. I'm so out of control right now and need somebody to help guide me. What am I doing wrong?
