Not sure how long of a post this will turn into. I have not posted in a while and I am really coming to the end of my rope and need some help and to vent.
I am not going to rehash my entire situation, mostly because it is really embarrasing for me that I acted in such a disrespectful and horrible fashion. I was the one that was unfaithful and not just once.
It has been a year since it all came out and we have been trying to peice things back together...sort of.
I have read many posts recently in this board and a lot of what has been said I have pretty much experienced. The hatred and anger from H because of my actions. The contant flip flop of "I want this to work" to " get the ^&%*out of my house you whore".
I have been listening to him, validating his feelings, not getting angry (sometimes this is very hard and I do loose my temper because I am human and can only take so much). I am working on that, one of my goals so to speak.
We are now at a point in our process that we seem to be stuck at and anyones experience could really help here.
1. My husband brings up the past almost every single day, how I have destroyed him, how I have made sure that intimacy and closeness has been destroyed for him in this marriage forever, he can never get them back
2. That he is doing his part to save this marriage by still being here, standing by me after all I have done, he has given up everything good in his life to be in this marriage with me. That he will never be happy again.
3. He wants the marriage to be fair, so he wants me to stay home while he goes out to date and have fun(yet he won't go anywhere in fear that he will meet someone and be unfaithful). I have told him that I actually could understand if he needed that and if it would make him happy to do so. He doesn't beleive me.
4. This is the toughest one for me, and where I need the most help. Last night we went to bed, he played his computer game for pretty much the entire evening. Then when he came to bed, he touched my back for a bit, kissed me with little enthusiasum, and expected me to be completely passionate and excited. I wasn't, so he went to sleep on the couch and this morning he was yelling about how passionate I would be with OM, but when I am with him, I show no passion.
He asked what OM did that made me so passionate. I have told him this on several occasions, but I said it again, he would spend time with me. Of course the response to that is "of couse he would, you were ^*%&ing him. If you stopped that, he would have no interest in you. Then he complains I never spend time with him. I have asked him what he would like to do seeing as I can not play his computer game with him. Unfortunately he considers spending time as sex.
Here is the problem I have...how do you show passion and excitement towards someone when they either constantly remind you of how you failed them and the marriage, is yelling at you, degrading you, or ignoring you until he wants something?
How can I show this, when I don't feel it. When I feel this low about myself, and if I show any sign of being happy, he makes sure to crush that.
I am really trying to see things from his shoes, I do really understand how hard it is for him, the damage I have done. How it is hard for him just to put his arms around me sometimes. What he fights within himself to stay in the marriage. I try to be there for him.
He is trying to find a way through this.
I am trying to help him, and survive myself.
Is there something wrong with me? He is standing by me after what I have done and I still feel no passion. Why?
We have discussed this to death. Reasons for why this happened, and I think we have a better understanding of what got us here, but no clearer understanding of how to move forward.
I know this will sound strange, but the one that seems to need to move forward is him. He has told me he can not forgive me. I have said, without forgiveness, there is no moving forward. His response, too bad, you caused this mess now you live with the consequences.
He is very depressed and his self-esteem is shot, which is not unexpected. I have asked him if he wants to see a councellor, whether it be together or on his own, but he flatly refuses.
He thinks he is unimportant to everyone and no one likes him. I try to tell him differently, but he just says "you have already proven that I don't matter to you". To be honest I can't argue that fact.
What do I do? I want to stay, I want to work on my marriage, I want to be with my H, but I do not know how much more I can take.
1. I can't go out with friends. 2. The only one I have to talk to about this is my H, but if I bring up something to discuss, he sees it as me complaining. 3. We don't really see my family any longer because when we do, he will make sure to drop insulting or crdue comments to make me feel bad. It is also too hard on him. 4. Can't see a councellor, I tried that once for two sessions. I was drilled for 3-4 hours afer each one as to what I specifically said and what the councellor said. If he did not like what I discussed or what the councellor said, I was yelled at and told how I was making him look bad.
I am loosing this battle within myself. I can feel myself giving up more and more each day. I have tried to be strong, but I can feel it slipping away.
Any experiences or comments, good or bad, are welcome at this point. I will take any advice people will give.
