I have a counseling session today, just me. I have lots to discuss. I have an interview for school tomorrow, so that makes me nervous, there is all this house stuff floating around. H and I haven't really had any good talks lately, I don't know if that is good or bad, no fighting, a couple of honest statements, but no real nitty gritty talks. I got a hug a couple times lately but nothing more, and those are few and far apart. I am really missing physical touch, I can't believe he isn't as well, maybe he is, but doesn't feel ready. Sometimes I feel as if I am being punished and that he will never come around just to spite me, that is my own feelings not anything that I am reading off of him, just a paranoid feeling kind of thing. I still remember him when he was dropping the bomb saying so confidently that we will never be intimate again, of course he said we wouldn't be together either, and we seem to be. I don't know, I feel like he is testing to see if I can live in a loveless marriage for the kids. He asked me that at one point, if I could do it, I said I wasn't sure it depended on how it felt. Maybe I am still expecting things to happen too fast, I don't know.
Still remembering that little kiss after our last session, seemed like such a good step, I guess it took a long time to get there. I suppose he is still waiting for me to go back to the old ways, still not trusting me, I know that takes time
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
