So I am feeling better, H is sick again, he has been battling colds for a month now, not helping his attitude very much. I had a session yesterday and we talked about what is going on, and after sitting and talking to the counselor, I feel like there has been some progress, she reminded me that this is going to take time, I know but hearing it over and over helps. We have a joint session tomorrow night, I get nervous before them, not really sure why, just do, I guess because it is hard. We seem to be jelling a bit better, I made a joke today and he initially started to get defensive, and then I reminded him I was joking and then he seemed to lighten up, hope he really did and wasn't just saying it.
I think things would be a bit better if he could get healthy, hopefully he will get some decent sleep and so forth.
I am trying hard to be supportive, he is talking a lot about stuff he wants to do, and it doesn't all include me, and I am trying to be encouraging and not hurt that I am not included. I think I have this overdeveloped need for togetherness, why should he not do stuff alone, in my mind I know it is good for him, I just have a weirdness about it. I need to get over that, for real, not just tolerate it.
I am continually amazed that it is almost more work to put it back together than it was to try and get over it.
There is a big part of me that is so impatient, I want the movie ending right now, I want hugs, kisses, ILYs, hand holding and more right now, I am tired of waiting. But I want the relationship too, in my mind I know it takes time, in my heart I ache for the affections that are missing.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Hey Snap....just got to keep looking at the positives of holding out on this guy while he gets his act together. Be strong and don't worry about the trivial stuff. It'll all work out in the end...you'll see....and I'll be here to read it!!!
big bad (in a good way) baby step today. H sent me an email saying he was thinking of joining a local outdoors/activities club and would I be interested in joining with him.
YESSSSSSSSS
actually aside from the marriage thing, it would be a cool group to join I think we woud have fun and depending on which group he was looking at, I am guessing the adventure group, it would help us get started backpacking which we have wanted to do for a long time, already have gear in fact, i got it for him for our 15 wedding anniversary.
it would be so cool if this happens, will totally expand our group of friends and such.
this is a good sign, that he wants me to join him, exact words "would you be interested in joining with me" that makes me happy, gotta keep on keeping on.
Now this communication was via email, if he doesn't email back after my response, should I ask him about it, or wait for him to bring it up again?
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
post counseling session I got an unsolicited hug and a kiss on the forehead. It made me tear up, he didn't see that part. so close, yet still so far, keeping my fingers crossed
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
nothing new since counseling. I guess I was getting my hopes up. Patience my friend. Sometimes I totally see the one step forward 2 steps back kind of thing happening.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Quote: Patience my friend. Sometimes I totally see the one step forward 2 steps back kind of thing happening.
Patience yes.....always....but the steps thing....leave it alone...it will start to be your focus and you don't want that right now.
Right now...take one step at a time and take stock with each step. Remember not to get down about the step backwards but more so...look at it as another step forward because you have learned from a mistake and it is something to be listed as a "don't do/say it again" type thing...that's all
Let me see, well the weekend was pretty much nothing, I worked the whole time. I guess we did have a good conversation. Since this whole thing started our phone conversations have been about 3 seconds long, just the facts mam type, because that has pretty much been what he wanted. Well I called on Sunday night, after the kids had gone to bed because they didn't answer when I called earlier, so H and I talked about the day and so forth, the weather was turning so he expressed concern about my drive home, nice to hear that, but it was the longest phone conversation we have had in ages, so kind of nice, a neutral talk with no expectations.
H is having a knee MRI this morning and I gave him a hug, whether he wanted it or not heh heh, before he left and wished him good luck.
Still very slow on the whole physical side, but in reading other posts I guess this is normal and just something we have to deal with. I don't think talking about it is right for us, I don't need to hear that he isn't ready yet, and I don't want to hear that he has no feelings yet or any of that thing. I need to just focus on myself and so forth. Heck if we were apart I wouldn't be getting much physical affection either, so at least as it is now I know there is hope.
Oh yeah one other interesting thing that happened, we were looking at the calendar and figured out my son has a hockey game the same weekend that H was planning on participating in a run, he sounded disappointed when he said oh I guess you won't be able to go with me. Yea! He wanted me there. So that was a good baby step.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Some days are just so frustrating. At times I feel like we are never going to break down this wall. Tonight I went grocery shopping and got H one of those little debbie/ hostess cherry pies, he likes them. Anyway I said I have a surprise for you but you have to earn it, teasing right, well he was defensive immediately and said I am not going to do that. We discussed it a bit and he said he doesn't want to feel like he is begging for something, and he hates the whole you have to earn it thing. I said all you would have to do is say something nice, I also said I am just teasing and didn't know it bugged him. But that sort of interaction makes me feel like I dont know, like the wall is so high yet.
I did give him a kiss on the cheek today and a hug before he left for work, and that felt okay and seemed to be recieved okay, but who knows
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
