it is a busy week this week. I will be working a lot more than usual, and as a result not see H very much. I amd trying hard to hang on to the positive feelings I have been nurturing, it comes and goes. When it is there I feel good and hopeful, when it is not I am scared.
the post about forgiving and letting go under the pick me up section was great. It is really true, letting go of past hurts is so difficult. I brace myself for it again, I have to remember that I made it through, I could be okay, and therefore there is nothing to fear. Does that make sense. I also need to feel okay about having hopes and dreams, it feels like so many of them died with the turmoil, I am reluctant to make plans, and it seems like H is a bit that way too, although he talks about it, he doesn't say yeah we should do that, he says yeah that might be nice.
One of our issues is me taking might as a yes and making plans, when he really was on the might page, so we need to communicate expectations better in that regard.
Last night I told him I was glad he found a place he felt comfortable, and that I was sorry I made him feel like he couldn't have privacy in that regard. I didn't make it a long drawn out conversation, just said that and went up to bed.
gotta go dig up some more pma
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
I never expected such a roller coaster, I have been very sensitive to H's moods and of course letting them decide my mood, bad idea, but I can't help it so some extent. I am trying to get better at that, it seems to be a stumbling block for me. H hasn't wanted to do much at all, to be fair he has been on and off sick for the last week or so, plus the whole depression thing, but still I would like some conversation and some thing besides work and sitting at home. Oh well, baby teeny tiny baby steps right? Hard to see any at this moment, other than he is here. Just feels really far away right now.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
feeling sad and down a bit today. I left last night at 10 for work overnight and didn't get anything except a goodbye, have a good night. no hug or kiss or even mention of new year's, same this morning, nothing. i just was hoping for a little something. oh well
he has been talking about what he is planning to do, runs and such, no mention of me or us,
i just need some reassurance, need a boost to be patient
we don't have a counseling session until the 11th
sigh, of course it doesn't help that I have this awful head cold, and am working a ton of shifts this weekend.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Some PMA boost here....you are doing great. You ARE doing the right things and that is why you feel weird or sad or depressed. Things are rolling along good with you and H. Thing is....you do need to get back to what was working....things that gave you the "I don't give a sh!t" attitude that made things easier....that made you NOT think about H.
The talking part and speaking the right words...this is an everyday thing and will only change when the situation is in the green again...the walking on eggshells and being patient......YOU decide when to end that crap.
Your line about communicating expectations.....forget it...the line said it all....DO NOT EXPECT.....you can have firm plans if that is what you meant but don't try to "communicate" to each other something that could be misconstrude as an expectation....only a let down for you...not him.
Keep giving him space...find YOURSELF again and things will start to fall back in place again....just looks like a little backsliding but is an easy fix with patience...just get that "I don't give a sh!t" attitude....you know what I mean.
I am sick as a dog, hate hate hate head colds, can't hear hardly anything, that and everything that goes with a nasty head cold. yuck. am getting sympathy and well wished from H, asked him to buy me puffs with lotion last night and he did and said he hoped they were right.
anyway my moment. my kids got up nicely this morning, got ready without too much prompting on my part, so we were ready before the bus. My son was standing there, getting hugs and being cute and it dawned on me how much I love them, and I will do anything for them, and so I do have the strength to put up with this stale mate we seem to be in and keep hoping and doing my part to work this out. They deserve it, I deserve it and so does my husband. Some day I hope to look back on this whole thing and think of it as the turning point in our marriage, the turn for the better.
Now I just gotta get healthy again so I can start on some much needed me stuff, but until I can I will not feel sorry for myself. Hows that.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
getting slowly more healthy. H is sick as well, it has dragged on and on with him, he is exhausted, I am sure the depression is part of that. some good stuff, very small slight talk of future plans, like we should go backpacking this summer, I brought it up but he agreed, h saying if we ever sell this house, I noted the we, some talk about summer vacation plans, his talking about things he wants to do, that sort of thing. at least he is sharing, even if it doesn't involve me, that is okay, I am not supposed to be everything, right!!
Now I need a few plans of my own, and sticking to them.
we may have a date tomorrow night, depends on the whole sickness thing, he suggested it again, but we shall see, he is really tired this week
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
So last night went well. We played a board game with the kids and I saw some of the old H that I hadn't seen for ages and ages, you know jokey little faces and gestures, we made eye contact like parents do when their kids say certain things, that sort of thing, it felt great. But instead of me feeling great over the baby step I feel sad that I miss the old h.
after the kids went to bed he decided to read a book and go to bed, I decided I wanted to watch a movie and didn't want to wait for him, I said I was going to, invited him, and did by myself.
this morning he was friendly when I got up and discussed his morning plans and asked if what he had planned was okay with me, he actually said "if that's okay with you" of course I said yes.
we are going to a movie and out to eat after this afternoon. our first real date I guess. i decided to wear casual but nice stuff and do my hair and makeup, again casual but nice.
need to get happy about baby steps and concentrate on some more pma
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
hey snap= Enjoy your date today. Every little step counts. Sounds like you had a really nice night, also. Chalk this up to a successful weekend. Crank some music, work out a little before the date and get your inner shine going. Have fun! Julie
