okay I will bitch about her here and you can do the same
It is a new type of "work" and I am slowly getting my bearings. I am learning to not take everything personal, I am also learning how my seemingly innocent ticks like me asking "what are you thinking?" he took as an invasion, of my trying control him and not even letting him have his own thoughts. I was just trying to make conversation. I am a talker and he is less so. Kind of shows the extreme his mind went to, to feel like everything I did was manipulative, I honestly don't feel like I was trying to change or control him, I often called him for advice on stuff and took his advice, but I guess that is different, and he probably saw that as clingy, although to be fair we haven't discussed it. Sometimes it makes me feel like he only saw/sees me as this horrible person. That makes me sad.
Had a moment of feeling like I do have some power today, have felt very powerless since he bombed me, but I do have choices too, and I realized that today again, made me feel better. I can be a participant and not a victim, because he doesn't hold all the card, I have some too.
well have to go pick up the kiddos and get busy with their activities.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Just wanted to say I feel exactly the same as you. My H moved back into our spare room a week and a half ago and said he wanted to try to take things slowly. It is killing me. I too thought if he ever came back it would be all hearts and flowers. He feels awkward about even hugging me and I, like you, want to hug and kiss him. I feel like I am holding my breath and walking on eggshells the whole time. He is at work right now and has called to say he's doing overtime and I'm in tears thinking he might not come home which I know is silly but thats what I'm scared of.
Me 34
H 33
S2
Together 10yrs
Married 6yrs
Bomb 12th Aug 06
Quote: I too thought if he ever came back it would be all hearts and flowers.
I know of only one S who came back and she acted all nice to her LBS. I think the "honeymoon" phase some go through (hearts/flowers) isnt' the best, it seems to fade and the intentions go down the drain.
My H came back broken, aloof and sad, not wanting nor giving affection. As months went by we got closer and closer (w me initiation most if not all affection) and now he likes to cuddle w/me, wants me around when he is doing something, kisses me good night.
It takes time gals, months, don't cling you your H's neck, remember the attractive, confident gals you were when your H's were courting you
inpain, don't let fear overcome you, as Michelle says in her book "you are stronger than that aren't you?" DO things that make you happy, if you depend on your H"s mood to be happy, something is very wrong.
You can make it, take charge of your own happiness, your H and you aren't on the same pg, let him find his way to you, slowly but surely.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
h is down, he is tired and flat, he even said this morning that he is down. at one point he "cornered" me in the hallway and hugged me, he initiated, it lasted for a while, and he said he was sorry he was down, I said I was sorry and could I do anything, I also said I was worried but left it at that. I just called to ask if he wanted me to shop for his Dad, and we spouted some ideas. I am trying hard to be up, but I am feeling really tired and discouraged. I feel like I am working my butt off and I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like he wishes I would just diappear, then he could have the kids and not have me. Funny thing is in our counseling sessions he has sounded better, like he is feeling better about the whole thing. I know that he is going to have ups and downs. I guess I just feel the weight of carrying all of us right now. I have to admit the hugged helped a lot. It was real, and warm and good. I wish he would go on meds, he seems to cycle a little bit, he was pretty down around Thanksgiving too, perhaps it is holiday stuff as well.
I suppose some of this could be guilt, for what he has put all of us through. He had a counseling session last night, so that was a good thing, I think sometimes he has a lot to think about after a session like that.
I wonder sometimes if I should tell him I forgive him? I don't know if he wants or needs to hear that, and I am not sure when would be a good time to say something like that. Like if I said it now would it seem like I was just saying it to cheer him up and not because I really mean it.
I think I need to get out my big girl panties and realize I am going to have to carry us for a while, and deal with it, I also need to keep up the PMA, which is slipping a bit as of late.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
that was my H back in April, just let him know you are there for him
Quote: I am trying hard to be up, but I am feeling really tired and discouraged. I feel like I am working my butt off and I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like he wishes I would just diappear
It is hard to give to your H and not receive anything, I felt the same way the first few months, hang in there it DOES get better!! I'm sure it crushes him to feel weak and he feels like a dissapointment to himself and you, it's not mostly that he can't show his love because he can't, is that he doesn't even have love for himself at this poing. My H told me "I got nothing to give you" a while before he came back. DON"T despair, your love, patience and kindness WILL pay off, your actions are planting seeds that in TIME will grow, you dont' see inmediate results but they will come IF you are patient. Don't let your emotions play tricks on you, remember, challenge every thought that comes to your head, just becaust a thought crosses your mind DOESN"T mean it is a true one.
You don't have to feel like you are carrying both of you either, as TL (or maybe GH said). It is great he is doing counceling, let him fight his own demons ok? men aren't great at discussing what bothers them, so dont' jump to conclusions if he isnt saying anything not.
I'm pretty certain he assumes you've forgiven him,why else would you have him back? but again, that's just my opinion. An awesome book you can read to understand him is "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn, I highly recommend it. Another must read is "healing the hurt in your marriage", it helped me so much!
Now, wake up everyday deciding to be happy
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
There's a good book on this that I'm re-reading right now; "Getting Back Together" is the title. I can't think of the author right now....
From all I've read and experienced, taking things slow, developing friendship and holding off on expectations seems to work well. Sometimes I think the longer the separation (or distance) the greater the growth (although that's my own personal experience).
Good luck to you and welcome to piecing!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
this saddness of his is getting me down. I know he is in a funk, I don't know why. He had been assigned to plan some time for us at our last counseling session, and he cancelled it because he needed some quiet at home time. All stuff I understand. I know he has been feeling sick, I know he has been feeling down, but not talking to me is making me crazy. It isn't like he is avoiding talking to me, he just has very little to say.
It is doubly frustrating because it is Christmas. I suppose he doesn't want to see my family. I guess I should let him off the hook and let him back out if he needs to.
Very frustrated today, I am sick of this, I need some reassurance and pats on the back too. This isn't a one way street, but gosh he is sure acting that way lately.
You know I can only do so much, I am hanging on by my fingernails, I am and have been on the run constantly the last 2 weeks, I am pulling all the weight and trying my hardest to make this a good holiday for the kids. But I can't pull all the happiness weight too. I jsut need a bone, you know what I mean. I also need to vent, so glad this place exists.
Well still have stuff to do, surprise, off I go.
Maybe gloomy gus will smile today
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
had a long discussion last night about jealously and privacy, he told me he joined an online community, not this one, for support. I was jealous and trying not to feel like I would lose him. then last night he was online answering an email, and it bugged me, I don't know why, I guess it hurts that he feels the need to talk to someone else. Yet I talk to other people, why do I feel it is okay for me and not for him. I guess it boils down to the same old thing, I don't think I am valuable enought to compete with anyone so any competition, even if it is platonic and totally innocent, I just assume I will come out on the losing end. He said it was a boundary for him, he needed to be able to have private conversations and so forth. How do I feel better about this stuff. In my mind I want to lost this jealousy, but my heart is really giving me trouble with it.
Today I feel sad as a result. I don't feel very close to him today and that hurts on a special day more than usual. I did get a hug, that I didn't have to ask for, so I guess that is good.
Baby steps, I need to refocus on baby steps and accept that this is really going to take a long time, it is just way harder than I thought it would be.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
hey there, I know it's hard to know he turns elsewhere for support, but it is a huge things he is actually looking for support to begin with. Because of what has happen, regardless who did what to whom, he just doesnt' feel safe yet with you, there is too much pain in his heart still.
He's been on his own and he feels like he will loose his privacy w/you, my H was the same, I'd get the same thing, it enerve me because I have no secrets for him. You need to let him have his time alone, in the long run when he feels safe w/you he'll open up and you won't feel affronted by his desire to have privacy. I know in the first months I just wanted to know all his business, would check his phone, wallet, pockets, etc, just to know what was going on w/him because he was always quiet w/me. My H is much closer to me now and dont' really care to check on him anymore, I dont' "need" to know all his details. We are a couple, but we have to maintain our individuality, this was hard for me to understand.
If this is the best he can do, find an alternate support group --even if it is one you dont know of--let him, support his choices. Remember the big A's:
Acceptance Aproval Affection
Smile to him, you being gloomy around him doesn't let him know you are sad about how the situation between you, it makes him think how you don't approve of him and how he isnt' doing things right. I know you crave for affection, it will come, my H is so much sweet to me know I can't believe it, give him time to hear his wounds ok?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I / we had a pretty good overnight at his parents, I honestly can say I enjoyed myself and I told him that. Didn't feel the need to debrief on the way home and held my tongue when I was going to comment about one of the ism's his mom has about driving.
This morning in the shower it came to me, I am trying to work the situtation, I am worried that I need to say the right thing, and do the right thing all the time, I need to give it up, like when he was "going" and gone. I need to focus on what I have control over, my feelings. I don't have control over who he talks to or who he needs to talk to so why worry about it. I can only be accepting and there when he needs me, and I still need to give space and be supportive, be loving and most of all accepting and not judgemental. Again this is easier to think than act, but the thinking is the first part. I just need to keep reminding myself.
Another thing I have gotton lax about is the PMA about myself. I am worth it, and I do deserve it, and I can do it. I have forgotton to remind myself of that lately.
I really appreciate the help and support of those who have been through this. I am learning so much from you all.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
